Tuesday, 24 September 2013


Not to be confused with the shambolic James Corden offering, Lesbian Vampire Killers, Lesbian Vampire Warriors actually started life as the less enticing – but somewhat more accurate – Vampire Warriors. Only a fool (or genius depending on your standpoint) would assume that by adding the word ‘lesbian’ you are likely to shift more copies. I mean, really, would I have fallen for that kind of cheap, dirty trick? No. I got a free copy.

Lesbians are all the rage it would seem, and the vampire bubble hasn’t yet burst, so why not call your movie Lesbian Vampire Warriors? It’s not like you need actual lesbians for the movie to sell (the word lesbian is probably used once), for the most part they don’t even have real vampires. Just vegetarian ones. They drink the blood of small animals. I’m resisting the urge to use beaver here.

If you’re in it for the girl on girl action though, you’d better put your fangs away. Lesbian Vampire Warriors has been rated ‘15’, which means it’s about as erotic as a bad case of morning breath. Still, the cover art would certainly suggest scantily clad demon hunters, and for the most part this film delivers. Demon hunters, that is. An attractive female cast is on standby, but Dennis Law’s kung fu epic is more than one saxophonist shy of late night erotica. It’s a shame they couldn’t get one of the two Shannon’s to put in an appearance. Lesbian Vampire Warriors is colourful, camp and inoffensive, but it shares more in common with The Twins Effect than Mirror Images II (one for Shannon Whirry completists there).

Vampire hunter Ar (Luxia Jiang) leads a simple life, slaying the un-dead and spending quality time with a family of non-lethal ‘vegetarian’ vampires. Bored ‘vegetarian’ vampires who spend most of their time wishing they were dead. Hobbies include throwing themselves off buildings and betting on the length of time a human has left to live. They can’t feel (all they do is exist), so it’s safe to say they don’t really want to be vampires anymore. A mysterious and ruthless vampire called Mung (Wah Yuen) could be the answer to their problems. Feasting on fellow vampires, he causes carnage by stealing their powers. With the bodies piling up, it’s down to Ar to save the day, but as Mung becomes more and more powerful, Ar realises that she might have to make the ultimate sacrifice if she’s to save her bloodsucking friends.

With little plot, one laugh (the teenager who imitates the leap of death) and tiresome dialogue, Lesbian Vampire Warriors fails to register on the entertainment scale. The acting is poor, so it’s a good job the girls have their looks to fall back on. The vampires are also saddled with strange echo effects on their voices, which I thought I’d better warn you about, before you spend ten minutes adjusting the sound settings on your TV. It’s an unnecessary gimmick that fails to enhance the viewing experience, but considering the quality of the product, it’s hardly surprising that such a decision was made.

The storyline lacks substance, and the characters spend most of their time whining about their ‘lives’, or complaining about being bored. Note to characters, if you think you've got it bad, maybe you should spend some time on the other side of the TV screen. The only saving grace is the action choreography, which fails to break new ground, but still manages to impress from time to time. Luxia Jiang acquits herself well enough, beating down vampires with quick feet, style and grace. It’s fast paced, frantic and fun, and it almost compensates for the film's unrelenting frailties. If you need further proof, check out the scene where Max (Chrissie Chau) chows down on a toy rabbit. The filmmakers don't even try to disguise the fact that Chau is sucking the ‘blood’ from a soft toy, and that pretty much sums up the quality of this uneventful movie.

If you’re looking for a satisfying night in, you’re better off watching Gillian and Charlene duke it out over a giant teddy bear, because Lesbian Vampire Warriors makes The Twins Effect look like a work of art. This isn’t the first time Law has failed as a filmmaker, and with little to recommend beyond a false advertising campaign, there’s a good chance it won't be his last. File under 'lacks bite'. AW

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