Monday, 30 September 2013


If you haven’t heard of this movie, really, where have you been? Frozen at the bottom of the ocean for millions of years no doubt. Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus took the Internet by storm. The trailer was a global sensation and it even made an appearance on prime-time Saturday night TV. Straight to video kingpin Lorenzo Lamas and 80s pop sensation (not to mention my first crush) Deborah Gibson - she wants to be taken more seriously so she drops the Debbie and stars in a movie called Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus - take on the might of two prehistoric beasties on a mission to destroy the world, and each other.

Debbie (sorry, Deborah) Gibson is marine biologist Emma MacNeil, who witnesses a catastrophic collision with a rapidly melting glacier, which in turn unleashes two enormous behemoths trapped in the ice for millions of years. What follows is priceless. Not only do the two monsters bring down aeroplanes, they also take out the golden gate bridge and threaten to take over the world in badly rendered CGI fashion. The human cast are in hot pursuit, providing hilarious support with cringe worthy dialogue worthy of a movie so dumb. Quality filmmaking step aside, welcome to the wonderful world of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.

I’d been looking forward to this for quite a while, which might sound like a strange thing to say, but anyone approaching this film without a four pack or a bottle of wine is asking for trouble. Here’s a film that demands to be seen in the company of drunken friends; only then will you see the movie for the cinematic wonder that it truly is. The effects are laughable, the concept is ridiculous, and the dialogue is beyond hilarity. The cast, however, are clearly having as much fun as we are, but then, when you’re delivering lines like, ‘He’s an equal opportunity eating machine’, and, ‘Christ, he’s coming faster than a jet’, it’s hardly surprising is it.

My personal favourites are ‘It rises!’, delivered with even less intensity than Darth Vader’s lacklustre screams in Episode III, and, ‘We’re dealing with a menace’. Sorry. A what you say? A menace? Let’s make one thing clear, Dennis was a menace. Two mythical beasts, defying the laws of nature and threatening all of humanity in a vicious battle to certain death - don't you think we should be taking them a little more seriously?

The actual confrontation between the two beasties is something of a disappointment because the budget doesn’t allow for anything approaching monster mayhem. Which is a shame, because the clips you’ve seen in the trailer are pretty much all you’re going to see in the rest of the movie. The real magic lies in the human casualties that offer startling support. The four leads are clearly enjoying themselves, and make for extremely enjoyable company. The love story that blossoms is so unbelievable it hurts, but we’re talking about a movie in which Debbie (Deborah) Gibson plays a marine biologist. Anything is possible.

I’ll leave you with my favourite line from the movie, when our four heroes are discussing the possible effects of a monster face off: ‘Miles of ocean would be poisoned with fallout, the risk of damage and human casualties are extremely high. Not to mention massive tidal waves...’ To which the general response is, ‘I suggest we all get some rest’.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus doesn’t disappoint, unless of course, you’re actually hoping for a quality night in, but I guess that’s where the beer comes in. AW

No comments:

Post a Comment