How do you approach a film like Bitch Slap? Some movies try
to hide the fact they are all about sex and violence, but when you are
talking about a film called Bitch Slap, where can you go but there? If the
title isn’t enough of a give away, check out the publicity campaign and trailers. It
doesn’t take a genius to work out what the ‘B’ stands for, and even a five-year-old can work out what we mean by the term ‘weapons of mass destruction’. There
are at least six of them, and that’s not including the samurai swords and
machine guns. The cameraman must have thought he had died and gone to silicon
heaven.
The exploitation genre gets a makeover then, dressed up as a
stripper, an assassin and a businesswoman to be exact. Well, I say
businesswoman, we’re living in a world where businesswomen dress like strippers
too, so perhaps it would be best if we go with that instead. There are double
crosses and double D’s aplenty in Rick Jacobson raucous tribute to grindhouse
cinema. It’s in safe hands too, Rick’s previous work included directorial
duties on Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and Xena: Warrior Princess, which is
probably why you will recognise the likes of Lucy Lawless, Kevin Sorbo and Renee
O'Connor in guest appearances.
Hands up who remembers Cleopatra 2525? A cheap and cheerful
sci-fi series that had me hooked. We’ll keep that between ourselves. Rick
Jacobson was responsible for several episodes on that short-lived show, so
colour me quietly impressed. You’re no doubt aware that we’re not talking
Citizen Cane here; it’s time to lower your expectations and leave your tongues
at the door. Rick Jacobson is about to build a better B-movie. Or at least,
that was probably the plan anyway.
I’m not convinced the plot is entirely relevant but here
goes anyway. Three gorgeous girls with
large B-movies attempt to retrieve a cache of stolen diamonds from a corrupt
cop. Things take a turn for the perverse when they find out it belongs to a
criminal mastermind known as, wait for it, Pinky. Strikes fear into the heart,
doesn’t it? Hel (Erin Cummings) is a con artist/ thief/part time lesbian who
turns out to be a secret agent called Foxy 69. Seriously, who writes this
stuff? In fairness, Erin Cummings plays the part rather well, and there’s a
good chance she could shake and stir Mr Bond with a single glance.
Her partners in
crime are Camerro (America Olivio), an out-of-control bad ass who overacts
alarmingly, and cute as a kitten Trixie (Julia Voth). From what I can gather
her character traits are naïve, innocent, incredibly dumb and most importantly,
part time lesbian. Anyone expecting to use the term woody might want to go with
the word ‘wooden’ instead, especially when it comes to Julia Voth’s one note
performance. Still, she does manage to pull off the body-to-die-for look with
ease, but if I had to choose a favourite – which we all will I’m sure – I would
probably go for America Olivio. Her performance tends to grate, especially when
she’s ‘reaching’ for ‘angry’, but everything else about her is just fine.
The script serves up
plenty of twists and the dialogue is occasionally diverting, especially for
those of us blessed with the minds of a twelve-year-old. Performances are
serviceable and the obligatory explosions, gunfights and fisticuffs should keep
you entertained while the B-movies take a well-earned break. I have to admit, I
was genuinely surprised by the production values. Sure it’s cheap and cheerful,
but it works really well. The CGI is camp, colourful and creative, reminding me
of slick Japanese fare like Cutie Honey and Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl.
Rick Jacobson knows what he’s doing behind the camera though; perhaps somebody
should let him loose on a tighter script and a bigger budget. This review is
starting to sound a little too positive for me so maybe I should wrap things
up.
Bitch Slap is not a
good movie in the traditional sense of the word; if you’re hoping for the kind
of (s)exploitation the ad campaign suggests, you’re in for a dry night. There’s
precious little nudity to be found here, there’s a sprinkling of bloody carnage
and lots of B-movie footage, but there’s precious little flesh for your pound.
It’s crude, it’s vulgar, it’s your twelve-year-old nephews favourite movie, but
Bitch Slap fails to deliver on its promise of sex and violence.
A candy-covered
coating adds weight to the mix, but there’s precious little substance to be
found. Rick Jacobson may have planned to build a better B-movie but he doesn’t
quite pull it off. I really should refrain from using the phrase ‘pull it off’.
Bitch Slap rips from the pages of Sin City, Planet Terror and even Crank, but
fails to deliver a satisfying read. Taken for what it is though, Bitch Slap
could have and probably should have been a lot worse. God bless the boobies. Amen
to that. AW
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