REINVENTING HOLLYWOOD: SEVEN

Forgive me if you've heard this before, but over the last decade, far too many world cinema titles have been remade or rebooted by Hollywood. Most are inferior, and exhibit nothing but a lack of ideas. That's not to say Hollywood doesn't have any. More likely, it hasn't the balls to take the financial risk. But it's not just world cinema; books and video games have been pilfered time and time again. This is why we've decided to start a new series, in which we turn the tables and envisage some of Hollywood's classic scenes remade by the best foreign filmmakers out there. And some by the worst.

We continue with Se7en (1995), originally directed by David Fincher, starring Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman, with Gwyneth Paltrow, R. Lee Ermey and Kevin Spacey in supporting roles. This time, however, Alexandre Aja, official member of the splat pack thanks to his second feature Switchblade Romance (2003), has decided to put Mirrors (2008) behind him and reinvent yet another movie (The Hills Have Eyes and Piranha clearly weren't enough) for an audience that probably thinks '90s movies were made in black and white.

We reach the final moments of the film. Thus far, Aja has altered very little, other than a title card that reads: Between 1945 and 1962 the United States conducted 331 atmospheric nuclear tests. Today, the government still denies the genetic effects caused by the radioactive fallout. He’s also decided to show every gory last detail of Doe's master plan…

In an unidentified city of near-constant rain and urban decay, the soon to be retiring Detective William R. Somerset (Freeman) is partnered with short-tempered Detective David Mills (Pitt) who recently transferred to the department. They become deeply involved in the case of a sadistic serial killer whose meticulously-planned murders correspond to the seven deadly sins: gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, pride, lust, and envy.

After discovering the victim of ‘pride’ Somerset and Mills return to the police station to be confronted by Doe offering himself for arrest, with the blood of a model and an unidentified victim on his hands. Doe claims he will lead the two detectives to the last two bodies and confess to the crimes.

He directs the two detectives to a remote desert area far from the city; along the way, he claims that his family was a bunch of inbred mutants that never allowed him to socialize with normal children. After arriving at the location, a delivery van approaches; Somerset intercepts the driver, leaving Mills and Doe alone. The driver hands over a package he was instructed to deliver at precisely this time and location. The driver departs. Somerset opens the box…

EXT.  MARSHLANDS, INDUSTRIAL ROAD -- EARLY EVENING

Somerset takes a deep breath, looks to see Mills dragging Doe. He tries to pull himself together, drawing his gun.

SOMERSET

(Into hidden mic)

Whatever you do… don't come in here. Stay away. No matter what you hear, stay away.

(Starts towards Mills)

John Doe has the upper hand.

Somerset enters the marsh.

EXT.  MARSHLANDS -- EARLY EVENING

Mills sees Somerset coming and pulls Doe so that Doe stands.

                                 

JOHN DOE

(Quietly, watching)

Here he comes.

MILLS

What the f**k you talking about?

JOHN DOE

(To Mills)

I want you to know, I wish I could have lived like you do.

Somerset starts running towards Mills, mud splattering. Mills leaves Doe behind, walks towards Somerset, gun down.

                                                           

SOMERSET

Throw your gun down now!

JOHN DOE

Are you listening to me, Detective Mills? I'm trying to tell you how much I admire you... and your pretty wife… Tracy.

Mills freezes, turns to Doe. Doe smiles. Somerset is close.

                                  

MILLS

(To John Doe)   

What you f**kin’ say?

JOHN DOE

It's disturbing how easily a member of the press can purchase information from the men in your precinct. I visited your home this morning, after you left.

EXT. MILLS HOME, GARDEN - UNNECESSARY FLASHBACK

CAMERA ZOOMS DOWN from a railway bridge into the back garden, where Tracy Mills’ big-breasted girlfriends - greased up, wearing bikinis, drinking martinis - catch some rays and mess about in the pool.

JOHN DOE

(Voiceover)

I tried to play husband. I tried to taste the life of a simple man, but it didn't work out. So, I took a souvenir.

From behind the fence, in a split second, comes a masked figure. The blonde closest barely turns as a long steely blade rises high in the air. It strikes down with force. Blood sprays the air.

Panic. Girls scramble out of the pool, off inflatables, as the blonde’s body is dumped into the once blue waters, now a deep shade of crimson. The masked figure goes to work; slicing, dicing, stomachs ripped open, heads rolling.

Tracy Mills, oblivious to the carnage, enters the kitchen to pour a glass of juice. Someone out of shot approaches from behind. She spins and the situation suddenly dawns on her. Eyes wide, terrified, she screams, dropping the juice.

EXT.  MARSHLANDS - PRESENT

Mills is filled with an aching terror. He turns to look at Somerset with pleading eyes.

JOHN DOE

Because I envy your normal life it seems envy is my sin.

MILLS

(To Somerset)

I saw you with the box, what was in the box?

Somerset can't hold back tears. Fury rises in Mills and he turns to level his gun at John Doe. Somerset aims his gun at Mills.

SOMERSET

No!

MILLS

What’s in the f**kin’ box?

JOHN DOE

He just told you.

Mills steps forward, enraged.

MILLS

You lie. You’re a f**kin’ liar. Shut up!

                                  

SOMERSET

Don't do this... please...

A pause. Somerset's gun hand is trembling. The wind whips across them. The HELICOPTER can be HEARD distantly.  Somerset throws his gun down.

SOMERSET

David, listen to me... this is what the mutant freak wants. He wants you to shoot him.

Mills goes to grab John Doe by the throat and puts the gun to Doe's forehead, blind with rage. Doe is staring into Mills' eyes with wild expectation.

JOHN DOE

Become vengeance, David. Become wrath.

Doe lowers his head, waiting for execution. Mills holds the gun at Doe's head, undecided, furious. Somerset edges towards them.

JOHN DOE

She begged for her life, detective, and for the life of your baby inside her.

Mills' face fills with confusion -- then a wave of horror. Doe's eyes register shock.

JOHN DOE

Oh, he didn't know.

SOMERSET

Give me the gun, David. If you kill him, he will win.

Mills can’t take it anymore. The situation is all too much for any man to deal with. He blinks, decision made.

MILLS

Chew on this, motherfucker!

Mills takes the gun and pummels John Doe repeatedly over the head, completely obliterating the skull in gruesome close-up.

Stepping back, he fires the gun at John Doe, time and time again, until he’s out of ammo and John Doe’s head looks like Swiss cheese.

Catching his breath, Mills turns to see Somerset walking away to retrieve the box, eventually bringing it back. They stand over the lifeless and massacred John Doe. Mills conjures up enough courage to peer inside the box. He turns back at John Doe.

MILLS

There’s a fish in the box.

Somerset nods.

SOMERSET

I know.

MILLS glances back inside the box, then back at John Doe.

                                               

MILLS

That’s one ugly fish. Why is there a fish in the box?

SOMERSET

The guy was mental.

MILLS nods.

MILLS

I thought it was Tracy’s head, or something.

SOMERSET

I know. I should’ve said.

Mills turns to Somerset.

MILLS

You think? Is Tracy okay?

                                                      

CUT TO:

INT. MILLS HOME, KITCHEN - UNNECESSARY FLASHBACK

The glass of juice shatters as it hits the kitchen floor. John Doe stands feet away. Tracy’s eyes are on him, unmoving.

Tracy bolts into the living room.

INT. MILLS HOME, LIVING ROOM

John Doe follows, but she has disappeared. He stands there, trying to keep a calm resolve, when…

The sound of an engine fires and Tracy appears, a sparkling glint in her eye, clutching the chainsaw. She releases the chain brake, raises the chainsaw in the air and heads straight for a surprised John Doe.    

EXT.  MARSHLANDS - PRESENT

Mills and Somerset are still looking at the butchered remains of John Doe.

                                                        

SOMERSET

She’s fine.

MILLS

Phew. For a moment I thought this would have an implausible conclusion.

Just then, THE PIRANHA LEAPS FROM THE BOX!

PIRANHA

IT'S BREAKFAST TIME!!!

                                                                  CUT TO END CREDITS

TOP 30 UNFORGERRIFYING MOMENTS IN WORLD CINEMA – PART 3

So, we've reached the third and final part of our top thirty unforgerrifying moments in world cinema (make sure you've read parts one and two); celebrating those scenes with the best shock-scares, cracks of creeping tension, or long, lingering shots of something so wrong that it mentally scars us forever. There will be spoilers, but if you like your horror the way I do, you'll also be spoilt.

If there are some that I've foolishly excluded let us know; I'm more than happy to while away a few more hours with scenes of torture, dismemberment, cannibalism, violence, body horror, or all of them at once. For now, though, enjoy the top ten and remember, in space no one can eat ice-cream.

10. Martyrs (2008), Pascal Laugier

Associated with the New French Extremity movement, Martyrs follows Anna’s (Morjana Alaoui) quest for revenge against the people who kidnapped her as a child, leading her and a friend called Lucie (Mylène Jampanoï), both victims of child abuse, on a terrifying journey with no happy ending in sight. 

Becoming the latest test subject of a secret society’s desire to discover the unknowns of the afterlife, she is imprisoned in a chamber, during which she is repeatedly beaten and degraded. After hallucinating, in which a conversation with Lucie encourages her to "let go" so she won't be afraid any more, Anna is told she has progressed further than any other test subject. She has reached the "final stage" and will suffer no more. Her prize for such a feat? She’s taken to a surgeon and flayed alive.

9. Audition (1999), Takashi Miike

Disguised as a romantic drama, this psychological horror film is a personal favourite and the only one to contain two moments of unforgettable dread in this list. Ryo Ishibashi plays a middle-aged widower persuaded by his friend, a film producer, to devise a mock casting audition in which young women audition for the part of his new wife. Instantly attracted to the mysterious Asami (Eihi Shiina), despite struggling to locate the references on her resume, he calls her, not realising that she has been sitting in her empty apartment, containing just a sack and a phone, for four days since the try-out.

Later, after more dead-ends, the nerve-shredding truth is finally revealed via a flashback and one of the greatest orchestrated shock-scares, revealing more than anyone ever bargained for. But it’s the moments after, involving a dog dish, that add depth to this horrific scene, even if they still don’t quite prepare us for what will eventually transpire.

8. [Rec] (2007), Jaume Balagueró & Paco Plaza

It may be short, but [Rec] manages to maintain the suspense throughout its brief running time, keeping you sat firmly on the edge of your seat, with cushion conveniently place on your lap (you will need it). A team of local TV reporters are following a team of Firemen on night duty. The footage is shot completely live and their task is to make a show about the life of those who risk their lives in order to save ours.

Obviously, a routine rescue takes a sinister turn. With something evil spreading throughout the building it isn’t long before our TV crew - a superb Manuela Velasco plays the anchor - are forced into the penthouse, discovering that its former owner was isolating a suspected virus believed to be the biological cause of demonic possession, existing in a young girl who was possessed. An attic, a small boy and night vision is only the beginning… 

7. City Of God (2002), Fernando Meirelles & Kátia Lund

Adapted by Bráulio Mantovani from the 1997 novel written by Paulo Lins, the plot depicts the growth of organized crime in the Cidade de Deus suburb of Rio de Janeiro, between the end of the '60s and the beginning of the '80s. Two boys growing up in a violent neighbourhood take different paths: one becomes a photographer, the other a drug dealer. An astonishing film, breath-taking and terrifying, the most devastating moment arrives when Lil’ Dice (Douglas Silva) demands that a gang wannabe shoot one of two street kids from a burgeoning posse. The other youngsters look on in horror as the assassin debates which target to fire at before doing just that.

6. Irreversible (2002), Gaspar Noé

American film critic Roger Ebert called it "a movie so violent and cruel that most people will find it unwatchable”, but the winner of the Stockholm International Film Festival's award for best film, with a plot presented in reverse chronological order, is a masterful thriller that shouldn’t be ignored. Events over the course of one traumatic night in Paris unfold as the beautiful Alex (Monica Bellucci) is brutally raped and beaten by a stranger, resulting in two men trying to avenge the crime.  A horrific scene with a fire extinguisher will have you peeking between the cracks of your fingers, but Irreversible will always be remembered for the brutal, agonising scene in the underpass.

5. A Serbian Film (2010), Srdjan Spasojevic

Banned in Spain. Rejected in Norway. Outlawed in Australia. Off-limits in New Zealand, with Malaysia and Singapore following suit on the same day, this tale of rape, necrophilia, and child abuse is arguably not as sickening as you would imagine. It follows an aging porn star as he agrees to participate in an "art film" in order to make a clean break, only to discover that he has been drafted into making a snuff film with child rape and necrophilia themes.

At times absurd, the list of atrocities crafted by director Srdjan Spasojevic include conversations about wheels spinning better at night, a man masturbating over his brother’s wife at their home, urinating blood, death by sex (and a rather big knife), anal rape, death by dong, and some predictable un-pleasantries during which the wheels definitely stop spinning. But one of the few moments to justify its reputation is the scene when Milos (Srdjan Todorovic) is forced to watch a film of a woman giving birth. The child is immediately raped by a man and "new-born porn" is conceived, for want of a better word.

4. Pan’s Labyrinth (2006), Guillermo del Toro

A companion piece to the Devil’s Backbone, Pan’s Labyrinth follows Ofelia, a young girl uprooted to a remote military outpost commanded by her new stepfather, a sadistic general in Franco’s army during the harsh realities of the Civil War. Powerless and lonely, Ofelia discovers a neglected labyrinth behind the family home. Here she meets Pan; a fantastical creature who challenges her with three tasks which he claims will reveal her true identity, a Princess.

A fairy-tale for grown-ups, there are more than just devilish sprites, cheeky fauns and twisted witches on offer here. In fact, the real terror comes from the real world rather than that of Ofelia’s imagination – a place so violent and bleak it’s little wonder she accepts the challenge. The scene stealer, however, is pure fantasy. Ofelia is confronted by the Pale Man, a hideous monster awakened when she steals his food. Timing is everything. You know it’s coming, but even then, as the creature finally jerks into life, reaching for his eyes and inserting them into the palms of his hands, you still won’t be prepared for the nerve-shredding chase through the corridors.

3. Inside (2007), Alexandre Bustillo & Julien Maury

Okay, I’ll stick my neck out and say that this is one of the most gruesome and disturbing films you’ll ever see, merely because directors Bustillo and Maury have concocted a believable horror story that doesn’t try to be sick for the sake of it, especially when compared to others on this list. That’s not to say that it doesn’t have its stomach-turning moments, it is a horror after all. And boy, it has plenty. In fact, no amounts of Gaviscon will help sooth Sarah’s pain.

Four months after she loses her husband in a car accident, Sarah (Alysson Paradis) is visited on Christmas Eve by a mysterious loony (Beatrice Dalle). Sarah is alone and desperate to save her unborn child, fighting to stay alive as others around her fall at the madwoman’s sadistic hands. Trapped and barely alive, all Sarah can do is watch and scream as the stranger unwraps her present with nothing but a pair of scissors. She doesn’t even read the tag.

    

2. Ringu (1998), Hideo Nakata

Adapted from the novel Ring by Koji Suzuki, starring Nanako Matsushima, Hiroyuki Sanada and Rikiya Otaka, this impressive scare-fest is about a cursed videotape that kills the viewer seven days after watching it. Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? I mean, what the hell is a videotape? A reporter, Reiko (Matsushima), investigating the popularity of the video curse among teenagers (the original novel was written for that age bracket) discovers the tape inside a cabin, foolishly watches it, receives a phone call and then assumes that she has a week to live.

The terrifying scene in question involves her ex-husband, Ryuji (Sanada). Along with Reiko he discovers that a girl by the name of Sadako, mysteriously murdered, must have used her mind to induce paranormal phenomena, creating the tape. Thinking that they have solved the riddle, Ryuji is chilling at home when his television switches on by itself, showing the image of a well. He watches as Sadako crawls out of it, toward the camera… Ignore the CGI bum trip in the American remake because this is how horror should always be done. 

1. Audition (1999), Takashi Miike

And so we reach the most unforgerrifying moment in World Cinema. We know the story: Ryo Ishibashi plays a middle-aged widower persuaded by his friend, a film producer, to devise a mock casting audition in which young women audition for the part of his new wife. Instantly attracted to the mysterious Asami (Eihi Shiina), despite struggling to locate the references on her resume, he calls her and they start a relationship.

Thanks to a sack and a phone we’ve already worked out that Asami is a bit of a fruitcake, but she’s a jealous one at that, and when she finds a photo of his late wife at his house, she drugs him, injects him with a paralysis agent that leaves his nerves alert before torturing the poor sod. For ages. His downfall, failing to love only her, results in extreme violence with look-away brutality involving a wire saw, hundreds of needles, and a giggling Asami muttering "Deeper, deeper" repeatedly. Next time it might be safer to create a profile on mysinglefriend.com instead.

ONE TO WATCH: SINISTER (DVD)

For better or worse the producers of Insidious are back with another supernatural offering that pitches Ethan Hawke against snakes, malevolent forces and his own sanity. Very much a film of two halves, Insidious started strongly with a steady stream of tension that tingled the spine. The dreamlike finale was inexplicably daft and the loss of genuine chills was unforgivable, but it tasted just fine providing you like your suspense washed down with a side order of silly.

Sinister sets out to rectify that problem and largely succeeds, replacing camp pantomime villainy with genuine creepiness while largely ignoring the much favoured jump tactics of recent Hollywood fare. Ethan Hawke brings meaty realism to the role of Ellison, a true-crime writer who finds a cache of 8mm snuff films which suggest the murder he’s researching is the work of a serial killer whose career dates back to the 1960s. He moves his unsuspecting family into the home of the murdered family and – unsurprisingly – it’s not long before the screaming starts.

The home movies at the heart of the story are genuinely unnerving, as is the shadowy figure looking on from the darkness, and Derrickson (The Exorcism of Emily Rose) doesn’t cheapen the mood by overindulging in booming bass lines and frantic jump cuts. There are a few good scares along the way and the mystery elements keep the film from straying off course. Strong performances from the cast don’t hurt, of course, and a welcome dose of dark humour keeps the film from becoming too bleak.

Absurdity does perhaps rear its ugly head in the final act but that very much depends upon your take on the supernatural, and whether or not you’re willing to go along for the ride. Sinister is too polished and too familiar to make a lasting impression but there’s enough here to provide a nerve tingling – if not entirely memorable – night in. AW

TOP 30 UNFORGERRIFYING MOMENTS IN WORLD CINEMA – PART 2

We've already had flashes of ferocity, moments of murderousness and spells of savagery in part one, but we've still got twenty more mind-blowing moments in world cinema to get through.

Celebrating those scenes with the best shock-scares, cracks of creeping tension, or long, lingering shots of something so wrong that it mentally scars us forever, I quickly realised that I couldn't possibly categorise this top thirty with one word. Instead, I merged unforgettable, terrifying and shocking to form unforgerrifying. Actually, the girlfriend did. Catchy, isn't it? Here's part two, from twenty to eleven (there will be spoilers)...

20. Les Diaboliques (1955)

Considered by some as the greatest film that Alfred Hitchcock never made, Les Diaboliques is set in a provincial boarding school run by headmaster Michael Delasalle (Paul Meurisse). Being a cruel and ruthless lothario creates enemies, so it comes as little surprise when Michael’s long-suffering wife Christina (Vera Clouzot) and his mistress Nicole (Simone Signoret) conspire to kill him. Trouble is, after the murder his body mysteriously disappears and strange events begin to plague the two women. A film that oozes suspense, the simple murder plot soon goes out of whack and includes a brilliantly composed finale with a shock-ending imitated ever since.

19. Ichi The Killer (2001)

Directed by Takashi Miike, written by Sakichi Sato, and based on Hideo Yamamoto's manga series of the same name, Ichi The Killer is notorious due to its extremely graphic violence and lengthy scenes of torture – what’s not to like? Well, it’s probably best to ask Norway or Malaysia, seeing as the film is still banned in both countries. The plot sees sadomasochistic yakuza enforcer Kakihara (Tadanobu Asano) searching for his missing boss until he comes across Ichi (Nao Ohmori), a repressed killer able to inflict levels of pain that Kakihara has only dreamed of. Let battle commence!

Okay, so there are many scenes we could pick here, including a barbarous moment when Kakihara captures Suziko (Susumu Terajima), a man he thinks has kidnapped his boss, and tortures him with large hooks and boiling water. But the pick of the bunch arrives moments later, when he realises that he was wrong, so to appease Suziko’s boss, Kakihara  slices off the end of his own tongue and offers it as penance, in glorious close-up.

18. Suicide Club (2001), Sion Sono

Sion Sono’s first major commercial hit (and winner of the Jury Prize for "Most Ground-Breaking Film" at the Fantasia Film Festival) grips with a drip-feed of gory shocks and intrigue. Its audacious finale is just as fascinating, with mass suicide, baby chickens and annoying Japanese pop stars keeping you firmly in your seat rather than anywhere else far more sinister. The plot deals with a wave of seemingly unconnected suicides that strikes Japan and the efforts of the police to determine the reasons behind the strange behaviour.

The most shocking moment in this hellish tale actually arrives at the beginning of the film. Over 50 teenage schoolgirls make their way to the train station, giggle and chat in a carefree manner, line up on the edge of the platform, hold hands, count to three and commit mass suicide by throwing themselves in front of an oncoming train. Well, it sure beats homework.

17. Come And See (1985), Elem Klimov

With a script that had to wait eight years for approval, Come And See is a war drama and psychological thriller about the Nazi German occupation of the Byelorussian SSR. Aleksei Kravchenko and Olga Mironova star in this astonishing film, about a young boy called Florya (Kravchenko) who, after finding an old rifle, joins the Soviet Army and experiences the horrors of World War II. There are many harrowing moments in this eighties epic; a bog, a minefield… even a cow will tug at the heartstrings.

Winning hands down, however, is the moment an entire village is herded and locked inside a wooden church. Instructed that anyone can climb out through a side window as long as they leave their children behind, Florya takes up their offer and climbs out. Sadly, a woman who follows with her child isn’t so lucky; gang-raped by a group of soldiers while the toddler is thrown back through the window. If that wasn’t bad enough, grenades are thrown into the church, which is also set on fire and shot at. All Florya can do is watch the inferno while the Nazis stand and applaud, taking photographs and laughing. All we can do is watch Florya watch…  

16. The Silent House (2010), Gustavo Hernandez

La Casa Muda (its Spanish title) is supposedly inspired by real events that took place in the 1940’s and was purported to be filmed in one continuous shot. Neither of these claims can be authenticated, but the film still went on to achieve success at the Cannes Film Festival and the Sundance Film Festival, rewarded with an inferior English-language remake starring Elizabeth Olsen.

The plot is a simple one: Laura (Florencia Colucci) and her father Wilson (Gustavo Alonso) are repairing a cottage in a secluded area so that its owner can put the house on sale. He tells them that the second floor is unstable and that it’s unsafe to go upstairs. Spending the night there to start repairs in the morning, a noise emanating from that vicinity sends Wilson to investigate. The film focuses on Laura’s plight as she slowly unravels the dark secrets the house hides, and leads us to an unquestionably chilling moment involving her and a Polaroid camera. Click, flash, click, flash…

15. Wolf Creek (2005), Greg Mclean

Marketed as being "based on true events", Wolf Creek was nominated for seven Australian Film Institute awards, including Best Director. Three backpackers head into the isolated Australian outback and after several days of driving they finally arrive at Wolf Creek National Park, made famous when a meteorite landed in the area. But when their watches stop and the car won’t start, the three twenty-something’s are forced into spending a night there, and they’re joined by one of the craziest madmen in the history of film.

The moment: Liz (Cassandra Magrath) enters a garage and discovers a large stock of cars and an organised array of travellers’ possessions. She watches a video camera and is horrified to see their pursuer ‘rescuing’ other travellers in almost identical circumstances. Deciding now would be a good time to leave, Liz attempts to start one of the cars but she isn’t alone. What follows is comically brutal, and the phrase ‘head on a stick’ will be etched in your mind forever… 

14. Them (2006), David Moreau & Xavier Palud

Directors David Moreau and Xavier Palud would go on to direct the terrible Hollywood remake of The Eye (2008), but forget that for now, because Them is a short but sweet French horror that truly delivers. Clementine (Olivia Bonamy), a young teacher, lives with her lover Lucas (Michaël Cohen) in a large house in the middle of rural paradise. There idyllic existence is about to be tested by “them”, shadowy figures that hide in the shadows, stopping at nothing in the name of fun. Uncompromising and nerve-shredding from the get-go, the most terrifying moment arrives after an hour of suspense, when Clementine refuses to play anymore, scrambling through tunnels for a way out of the madness, finding only the highway to hell instead…  

13. The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009), Tom Six

According to director Tom Six, the concept of The Human Centipede arose from a joke he made with friends about punishing a child molester by stitching his mouth to the anus of a "fat truck driver". Why he didn’t stick to such a beautiful premise is certainly beyond me, but nevertheless, despite several cuts and a film that isn’t as outrageous as they would have you believe, there is still one scene that will unsettle (note: The Human Centipede 2 is easily more sickening and would be on this list if it wasn’t for Six succumbing to America).

Drugged and detained by crazed surgeon Dr. Josef Heiter (Dieter Laser), Americans Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams), Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie) and Japanese tourist Katsuro (Akihiro Kitamura) form the arthropod, joined mouth to anus, trained as a pet. Sadly, when a human centipede has to go it has to go, and with no doggy bags in sight a reluctant Katsuro is forced to defecate. Lindsay, second in line, is obliged to swallow.

12. Antichrist (2009), Lars von Trier

Horror at its most disturbing and unwatchable, which can’t be a bad thing, Antichrist is a film written and directed by Lars von Trier, starring Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg. With a narrative divided into a prologue, four chapters and an epilogue, the movie follows horror film conventions and tells the story of a couple who retreat to a cabin in the woods after the death of their child.

Strange visions and increasingly violent sexual behaviour hinders their grieving, and you’ll have the pleasure of embracing the madness as you witness a wealth of gratuitous voyeurism and violence.  Its standout scene occurs after a flashback to an alternate view of the prologue in which Gainsbourg’s character (known only as She) takes a pair of scissors and severs her clitoris while masturbating, letting out a tortured scream along with the rest of us.

11. Cannibal Holocaust (1980), Ruggero Deodato

Unique in its day for its "found footage" structure, influencing a ridiculous amount of horror films such as The Blair Witch Project (1999), Rec (2007) and Paranormal Activity (2007), Cannibal Holocaust tells the story of a missing documentary film crew who had gone to the Amazon to film cannibal tribes. Its graphic violence aroused a great deal of controversy due to its disturbing portrayal of graphic brutality, sexual assault and animal violence. Still banned in various countries, the most striking scene isn’t one of the many showing gang-rape, corpse mutilation or impalement, but a collection of shamefully sickening acts of genuine cruelty to animals.

REVIEW: THE FALL OF THE ESSEX BOYS (DVD)

The gruesome death of three Essex drug dealers on a rainy night in December 1995 has already spawned three movies attempting to put the pieces together and solve the triple murder of Tony Tucker (38), Patrick Tate (37) and Craig Rolfe (26), shot dead in a Range Rover down a small farm track in Rettendon. All three films were rubbish. Luckily, some bright spark decided that we needed another one. Will The Fall Of The Essex Boys finally shed some light on the culprits, and can we really be choonked with a fourth instalment?

An 18-year-old schoolgirl from Essex dies after taking an ecstasy pill. Leading the investigation is Detective Inspector Stone (Ewan Ross), stepping in to try and put pressure on an untouchable unit of criminals – Pat Tate, Tony Tucker and Craig Rolfe, also known as The Essex Boys.

As the gang grow stronger and more fearless, their addiction to drugs and power slowly starts to spiral out of control, forming few allegiances but gaining enemies at every turn.

It isn’t long before Stone starts seeing the cracks for himself, and with the added pressure from his peers – including an ex-colleague who is also the dead girl’s father – he soon realises that bringing them down is the least of his worries; getting his man on the inside out safely will prove much more difficult…

First, Sean Bean snarled his way through a drab Goodfellas wannabe in Essex Boys (2000). The oddly titled Rise Of The Footsoldier (2007) followed, charting the inexorable rise of Carlton Leach from one of the most feared generals of the football terraces to becoming a member of the gang, revelling in violence but little else. Three years later - and best of the bunch - Bonded By Blood (2010) was well-acted with some nice touches, but failed to offer anything new. Reem it certainly wasn’t. Whether we really needed another instalment is up for debate (we can’t even get a Goonies sequel) but nevertheless The Fall Of The Essex Boys will be out in selected cinemas on the 8th February 2013, with a DVD release just ten days later.

It’s unfair to label auteur Paul Tanter as the poor man’s Guy Richie. He’s more of an Andy Richie. The footballer - who made 661 appearances and scored 210 goals – was nicknamed ‘Stiches’. With Tanter’s background in onscreen violence, especially football hooliganism (he has already directed The Hooligan Wars and The Rise And Fall of a White Collar Hooligan with White Collar Hooligan 2: England Away in post-production), it’s safe to say you’re in for lots of c-words and bloodshed, with the occasional scene of disorderly conduct thrown in for good measure. Fortunately, like Andy was at playing football, he’s quite good at it, and the fourth attempt at getting to the bottom of this intriguing case is easily the best.

The film begins with the car full of crimsoned corpses, then zips back in time, as Darren Nicholls (Nick Nervern) fills us in on events leading up to the slaughter. Filling us in basically means a lot of overenthusiastic SHAHTIN’ in the voiceover, which either gets toned down in the latter stages or we’ve just grown accustomed to such a clumsy and grating technique. It really is infuriating, and hinders a film that may be riddled with clichés and indistinguishable characters, but has enough menace to keep you interested.

The film offers its actors (fans of Tanter’s movies will recognise most of the cast) roles that allow them to strut, overact and grunt throughout. Peter Barrett as Pat Tate is the standout; his ability to make his character charismatic is a testament to his skills, and despite his lover, Karen (Kierston Wareing), spending most of her time having sex with a rival, it’s little wonder she fell for such a fella. Meanwhile, Wareing’s abilities are wasted. The only reason she’s there is to convince the audience that Tate is a bad egg, but Barrett does that perfectly well by himself.

Other performances are appropriately sleazy, with Nevern’s Darren managing to sidestep the conventional in-too-deep-before-wanting-out plot with the help of a neat twist and one of Tanter’s few moments of boldness. Detective Stone is equally alluring, thankful for the richest characterization and a family that doesn’t want him dead. But one of the biggest disappointments is newcomer Jay Brown. He starts off predictably well playing the brutish, psychopathic Tony Tucker, but soon gets bogged down by his trite, predictable persona, ultimately becoming whiny and annoying, and most deserving of a bullet to the head. 

The film is further marred by the anticipated lack of resolution. Out of the four films based on those same events this version does at least hint at a more provocative explanation, but when the final twist arrives it offers more questions than answers. Stephen Reynolds script concentrates on Robert Cavanah’s character Mickey Steele and his relationship with Karen, Tate’s woman, and the deteriorating affiliations with the gang. Partnering up with Jack Whomes (Tony Denham), we’re quite happy to except their reasons to double-cross and murder the gang (they’re currently serving life for the crime) but instead Tanter throws in a curve-ball with few hints throughout to make the payoff work.

Thankfully, apart from that disappointment, the final fifteen minutes are mightily impressive, including a chase sequence that will make this brief journey more worthwhile. The film isn’t a fact-by-fact account of events; real-life victim Leah Betts’ name is replaced by a generic female victim who collapses in the nightclub rather than at home, and the ensuing discovery that the amount of water she took that evening was just as much to blame for her death as the ecstasy tablet is disappointingly never touched upon, but it’s as close as we’ve come to suggesting the police has a greater involvement than merely failing to solve the case. At the end of the day, for those that know very little about the events (it was nearly twenty years ago now), The Fall Of The Essex Boys is probably the best, and only, place to start. At the very least, you’ll be searching Wikipedia immediately after watching.

Less glamorous than its rivals, The Fall Of The Essex Boys once again fails to offer an enterprising explanation as to why three men were left dead as two others served life imprisonment. Eventually succumbing to a twist that provides more questions than answers, it also suffers from clichéd characters and a jarring voiceover, but there’s enough to enjoy, and the final chase is marginally short of sensational. DW