Forgive me if you've heard this before, but over the last decade, far too many world cinema titles have been remade or rebooted by Hollywood. Most are inferior, and exhibit nothing but a lack of ideas. That's not to say Hollywood doesn't have any. More likely, it hasn't the balls to take the financial risk. But it's not just world cinema; books and video games have been pilfered time and time again. This is why we've decided to start a new series, in which we turn the tables and envisage some of Hollywood's classic scenes remade by the best foreign filmmakers out there. And some by the worst.
We continue with Se7en (1995), originally directed by David Fincher, starring Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman, with Gwyneth Paltrow, R. Lee Ermey and Kevin Spacey in supporting roles. This time, however, Alexandre Aja, official member of the splat pack thanks to his second feature Switchblade Romance (2003), has decided to put Mirrors (2008) behind him and reinvent yet another movie (The Hills Have Eyes and Piranha clearly weren't enough) for an audience that probably thinks '90s movies were made in black and white.
We reach the final moments of the film. Thus far, Aja has
altered very little, other than a title card that reads: Between 1945 and 1962
the United States conducted 331 atmospheric nuclear tests. Today, the
government still denies the genetic effects caused by the radioactive fallout. He’s also decided to show every gory last detail of Doe's
master plan…
In an unidentified city of near-constant rain and urban
decay, the soon to be retiring Detective William R. Somerset (Freeman) is
partnered with short-tempered Detective David Mills (Pitt) who recently
transferred to the department. They become deeply involved in the case of a
sadistic serial killer whose meticulously-planned murders correspond to the
seven deadly sins: gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, pride, lust, and envy.
After discovering the victim of ‘pride’ Somerset and Mills
return to the police station to be confronted by Doe offering himself for
arrest, with the blood of a model and an unidentified victim on his hands. Doe
claims he will lead the two detectives to the last two bodies and confess to
the crimes.
He directs the two detectives to a remote desert area far
from the city; along the way, he claims that his family was a bunch of inbred
mutants that never allowed him to socialize with normal children. After
arriving at the location, a delivery van approaches; Somerset intercepts the
driver, leaving Mills and Doe alone. The driver hands over a package he was
instructed to deliver at precisely this time and location. The driver departs.
Somerset opens the box…
EXT. MARSHLANDS,
INDUSTRIAL ROAD -- EARLY EVENING
Somerset takes a deep breath, looks to see Mills dragging
Doe. He tries to pull himself together, drawing his gun.
SOMERSET
(Into hidden mic)
Whatever you do… don't come in here. Stay away. No matter
what you hear, stay away.
(Starts towards Mills)
John Doe has
the upper hand.
Somerset enters the marsh.
EXT. MARSHLANDS --
EARLY EVENING
Mills sees Somerset coming and pulls Doe so that Doe stands.
JOHN DOE
(Quietly, watching)
Here he comes.
MILLS
What the f**k you talking about?
JOHN DOE
(To Mills)
I want you to know, I wish I could have lived like you do.
Somerset starts running towards Mills, mud splattering.
Mills leaves Doe behind, walks towards Somerset, gun down.
SOMERSET
Throw your gun down now!
JOHN DOE
Are you listening to me, Detective Mills? I'm trying to tell
you how much I admire you... and your pretty wife… Tracy.
Mills freezes, turns to Doe. Doe smiles. Somerset is close.
MILLS
(To John Doe)
What you f**kin’ say?
JOHN DOE
It's disturbing how easily a member of the press can
purchase information from the men in your precinct. I visited your home this
morning, after you left.
EXT. MILLS HOME, GARDEN - UNNECESSARY FLASHBACK
CAMERA ZOOMS DOWN from a railway bridge into the back
garden, where Tracy Mills’ big-breasted girlfriends - greased up, wearing
bikinis, drinking martinis - catch some rays and mess about in the pool.
JOHN DOE
(Voiceover)
I tried to play husband. I tried to taste the life of a
simple man, but it didn't work out. So, I took a souvenir.
From behind the fence, in a split second, comes a masked
figure. The blonde closest barely turns as a long steely blade rises high in
the air. It strikes down with force. Blood sprays the air.
Panic. Girls scramble out of the pool, off inflatables, as
the blonde’s body is dumped into the once blue waters, now a deep shade of
crimson. The masked figure goes to work; slicing, dicing, stomachs ripped open,
heads rolling.
Tracy Mills, oblivious to the carnage, enters the kitchen to
pour a glass of juice. Someone out of shot approaches from behind. She spins
and the situation suddenly dawns on her. Eyes wide, terrified, she screams,
dropping the juice.
EXT. MARSHLANDS -
PRESENT
Mills is filled with an aching terror. He turns to look at
Somerset with pleading eyes.
JOHN DOE
Because I envy your normal life it seems envy is my sin.
MILLS
(To Somerset)
I saw you with the box, what was in the box?
Somerset can't hold back tears. Fury rises in Mills and he
turns to level his gun at John Doe. Somerset aims his gun at Mills.
SOMERSET
No!
MILLS
What’s in the f**kin’ box?
JOHN DOE
He just told you.
Mills steps forward, enraged.
MILLS
You lie. You’re a f**kin’ liar. Shut up!
SOMERSET
Don't do this... please...
A pause. Somerset's gun hand is trembling. The wind whips
across them. The HELICOPTER can be HEARD distantly. Somerset throws his gun down.
SOMERSET
David, listen to me... this is what the mutant freak wants.
He wants you to shoot him.
Mills goes to grab John Doe by the throat and puts the gun
to Doe's forehead, blind with rage. Doe is staring into Mills' eyes with wild
expectation.
JOHN DOE
Become vengeance, David. Become wrath.
Doe lowers his head, waiting for execution. Mills holds the
gun at Doe's head, undecided, furious. Somerset edges towards them.
JOHN DOE
She begged for her life, detective, and for the life of your
baby inside her.
Mills' face fills with confusion -- then a wave of horror.
Doe's eyes register shock.
JOHN DOE
Oh, he didn't know.
SOMERSET
Give me the gun, David. If you kill him, he will win.
Mills can’t take it anymore. The situation is all too much
for any man to deal with. He blinks, decision made.
MILLS
Chew on this, motherfucker!
Mills takes the gun and pummels John Doe repeatedly over the
head, completely obliterating the skull in gruesome close-up.
Stepping back, he fires the gun at John Doe, time and time
again, until he’s out of ammo and John Doe’s head looks like Swiss cheese.
Catching his breath, Mills turns to see Somerset walking
away to retrieve the box, eventually bringing it back. They stand over the
lifeless and massacred John Doe. Mills conjures up enough courage to peer
inside the box. He turns back at John Doe.
MILLS
There’s a fish in the box.
Somerset nods.
SOMERSET
I know.
MILLS glances back inside the box, then back at John Doe.
MILLS
That’s one ugly fish. Why is there a fish in the box?
SOMERSET
The guy was mental.
MILLS nods.
MILLS
I thought it was Tracy’s head, or something.
SOMERSET
I know. I should’ve said.
Mills turns to Somerset.
MILLS
You think? Is Tracy okay?
CUT
TO:
INT. MILLS HOME, KITCHEN - UNNECESSARY FLASHBACK
The glass of juice shatters as it hits the kitchen floor.
John Doe stands feet away. Tracy’s eyes are on him, unmoving.
Tracy bolts into the living room.
INT. MILLS HOME, LIVING ROOM
John Doe follows, but she has disappeared. He stands there,
trying to keep a calm resolve, when…
The sound of an engine fires and Tracy appears, a sparkling
glint in her eye, clutching the chainsaw. She releases the chain brake, raises
the chainsaw in the air and heads straight for a surprised John Doe.
EXT. MARSHLANDS -
PRESENT
Mills and Somerset are still looking at the butchered
remains of John Doe.
SOMERSET
She’s fine.
MILLS
Phew. For a moment I thought this would have an implausible
conclusion.
Just then, THE PIRANHA LEAPS FROM THE BOX!
PIRANHA
IT'S BREAKFAST TIME!!!
CUT
TO END CREDITS
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