REVIEW: MACHETE (R2 DVD)

Film: Machete ***
Release Date: Out Now
Certifcate: 18
Running Time: 105 mins
Director: Ethan Maniquis & Robert Rodriguez
Starring: Danny Trejo, Michelle Rodriguez, Jessica Alba, Robert De Niro, Lindsay Lohan, Steven Seagal 
Genre: Action
Format: DVD
Reviewer: Adam Wing

The Tarantino/ Rodriguez Grindhouse double feature was a mixed bag, but Planet Terror was a whole lot more fun than Quentin’s overlong road rage horror Death Proof. If you’ve experienced Grindhouse as it’s meant to be seen, then you’re already aware of the hilarious mock trailers that separate the two pictures - Machete was probably the best of the bunch (though I still have a soft spot for Thanksgiving).

Rodriguez regular Danny Trejo stars as the cleaver-wielding Mexican, double-crossed, left for dead and out for revenge. The trailer proved so popular, not least with Rodriguez, that a return to Grindhouse territory was inevitable. Teaming up with long-term collaborator Ethan Maniquis, Robert Rodriquez returns to the world of Machete, bringing a dynamite cast along for the ride.

Rodriguez wastes no time out of the blocks, and the opening stampede is quite possibly the most entertaining part of the movie. Trejo hacks off arms, legs and heads in over-stylised fashion. It’s bloody, it’s fun and it delivers on its promise of breakneck chaos. We’re introduced to chief bad guy Torrez, a return to big screen action for long time MIA superstar Steven Seagal.

We all know he’s put on weight, but I for one have missed his presence and it’s great to have him back. Lets hope Stallone can get him onboard for the proposed Expendables sequel. Machete witnesses his wife’s murder at the hands of Torrez and the promise of OTT action is almost too much to bare - as things turn out, it’s definitely too much to deliver.

Three years later we are reintroduced to Machete working as a labourer in Austin city. Hired by shady businessman Booth (Jeff Fahey) to assassinate a right-wing Texan senator (Robert De Niro), our favourite one-man Mexican army finds himself the victim of a set-up. Forced to go on the run, Machete meets up with a host of quirky screen creations ready to set your world on fire.

Michelle Rodriguez continues in her quest to appear in every action movie going as an underground revolutionary, Jessica Alba appears as a hot-as-hell immigration agent, and Cheech Marin reprises his role from the trailer - it’s a who-who of Rodriguez regulars but we wouldn’t have it any other way. Don Johnson shows up as the local sheriff and even Lindsay Lohan takes time out to appear as a... well, she’s pretty much topless most of the time. Either that or a nun - it works for me.

Much of the above takes place in the opening act, so it’s a shame that Rodriguez is unable to maintain the adrenaline-pumping pace of the first thirty minutes. Machete doesn’t exactly take itself seriously, but it does raise some concerns about US immigration policy, and the mid-section plods as a result. The scene in which a bad guy's intestines are used to swing out of a broken window is positively insane; it too arrives in the opening half hour, and sadly nothing that follows lives up to the insanity and inventiveness of the opening act.

Trejo continues to amuse, especially when spouting hilarious one-liners like “Machete don’t text”, but Machete drags its heels for far too long, and only a top notch cast like this will see you through. Planet Terror didn’t let up from start to finish, but Machete runs out of ideas pretty fast - as if it was based on a two-minute trailer, or something. It soon becomes apparent that Machete isn’t going to stay the distance, no matter how much you want to love Trejo in the leading role. The initial assault is promising enough, but in some ways, it’s also the films undoing.

You’ve got to love a film that puts Trejo in the driver's seat, but for all its good intention, Machete bores when it should’ve soared. There’s a lot of good to be found here, but Rodriguez makes you work hard to find it.

HORROR CLASSIC: MY BLOODY VALENTINE (R2 DVD)

Film: My Bloody Valentine ****
Year: 1981
Certificate: 18
Running Time: 81 mins
Director: George Mihalka
Starring: Lori Hallier, Neil Affleck, Paul Kelman, Cynthia Dale
Genre: Horror
Format: DVD
Reviewer: Adam Wing

Twenty years ago the supervisors at the local mine were so eager to get to the annual Valentine dance that they failed to check on the levels of methane gas. A massive explosion ripped through the mine and five workers were trapped underneath the debris. Harry Warden was the only survivor, the experience drove him insane, and one year later he returned to brutally kill the two men responsible. He cut out their hearts, placed them in candy boxes and sent them to the authorities. Harry was later captured and sent to the Eastfield Asylum for the insane.

Now in 1981, the fun-loving residents of this peaceful mining town are preparing themselves for the first Valentine dance to be held since that fateful night two decades ago. Memories of Warden's murder have long since passed and a group of fun-loving teens/young adults are looking forward to cutting loose. However, the night before the event the town mayor receives a bloody heart in a candy box with a poetic warning. It seems that Harry has returned, and he might have some loose cutting of his own to do.

You can forget the recent remake because the original My Bloody Valentine is a vastly superior experience in every way. The group of friends are likeable creations, as was often the case in eighties horror movies, and the plot moves faster than a runaway mine cart. The only available UK release is hampered by severe cuts, but the original version can be found on import, which means My Bloody Valentine is a largely bloodless affair and lacking in token female nudity. The fact that it remains so highly enjoyable can be credited to a killer plot and several well-staged set pieces that really go for the jugular.

If you can track down the unedited version then do so, it retains the blood and guts merely hinted at in the UK edition. Despite this tiny criticism, My Bloody Valentine remains a hugely inventive slice of 80’s horror, and it’s a shame that the promise of further instalments never came to light - I guess that’s why we had to endure so many Friday the 13th sequels.

HORROR CLASSIC: MANIAC (R2 DVD)

Film: Maniac ****

Year: 1980

Certificate: 18

Running Time: 87 mins

Director: William Lustig

Starring: Joe Spinell, Caroline Munro, Abigail Clayton, Kelly Piper

Genre: Horror

Format: DVD

Reviewer: Adam Wing

Upon its release in 1980, Maniac was accused by critics of taking the slasher film and its accompanying gore effects to new, unpleasantly graphic heights - I’m sure special effects maestro Tom Savini (Dawn of the Dead) is really proud of that accolade. Frank Zitto (Joe Spinell) a man who was abused by his mother as a child, takes out his frustrations on innocent young women. He scalps them and uses their hair to make wigs for his mannequins - everybody’s got a hobby, right?

Maniac was directed by William Lustig, who went on to direct the Maniac Cop series - so you get an idea of what to expect from this classic horror vehicle - co-starring Caroline Munro and Gail Lawrence. Frank Zitto (The Godfather) makes for compulsive viewing as the deeply disturbed psycho of the piece, and it’s interesting to note that just before his death he received financing for a belated follow up to this underrated gem.

Tom Savini is undoubtedly the star of the show, utilising his special effects know-how to gloriously gruesome effect. He even makes an appearance in the film, and quite naturally saves the best showcase of his talent for himself, there’s no denying you’ll be blown away by his relentless commitment to bloodshed and brutality.

Jay Chattaway composed the score for the Manic Cop series and lost favourite Ambulance amongst others, and with Maniac he riffs on John Carpenter’s Halloween theme to great effect. William Lustig successfully builds suspense throughout, calling on Savini to take over when the time is right with his industrious effects showcase. Maniac is a creepy affair, helped along by a wonderfully twisted lead performance. Talking of twists, it’s the twist in the tale that sets Maniac apart from its contemporise. Perverse, contorted and drowning in a sea of gruesome imagery, Maniac is an 80’s horror classic worthy of its title.

Depraved perhaps, but he did warn you not to go out tonight…

HORROR CLASSIC? JUST BEFORE DAWN (R2 DVD)

Film: Just Before Dawn **

Year: 1981 

Certificate: 18

Running Time: 90 mins

Director: Jeff Lieberman

Starring: Chris Lemmon, Gregg Henry, George Kennedy, Deborah Benson

Genre: Horror

Format: DVD

Reviewer: Adam Wing

Five likable twenty-something’s, probably playing teenagers, venture into the dense Oregon woods to do a spot of camping on land one of them has just inherited. Before you can say Texas Chainsaw Massacre they hit a doe-eyed deer with their van and have their first run in with a lunatic in need of fresh meat.

That doesn’t put them off, not even Forest ranger Roy (George Kennedy) can do that, when he warns them of impending doom (this came out just after Friday the 13th but we’ll let the filmmakers off for now). The five friends pitch a tent in the middle of nowhere and as you might imagine, things go downhill pretty fast - welcome to Jeff Lieberman’s occasionally worthwhile 80’s ‘horror classic’, Just Before Dawn.

The setting is unnerving, the five characters are less annoying than your average slasher movie victims, and the musical score is used sparingly to good effect. What Jeff Lieberman’s movie lacks is a truly demented villain; the hillbilly’s won’t be giving Leatherface a restless night that’s for sure. Amusing rather than alarming, they lurch from one scene to the next without ever appearing threatening. Perhaps the blame lies with Lieberman for failing to deliver the guts and gory, even though Just Before Dawn serves up the occasional fist down the throat to all things buoyant.

It’s worth pointing out that the picture quality of the R2 DVD is horrendous, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing, the poor quality transfer only adds to the appeal of this token 80’s slasher. The plot is unsurprisingly paper-thin, but all the hallmarks of vastly superior slasher movies are in place, and Just Before Dawn makes for passable viewing if not remotely groundbreaking. There’s no nudity, very little blood and a severe lack of screen worthy villainy, but just occasionally Just Before Dawn hits the spot - usually with a rusty machete.

GREAT NIGHT IN: DREAM HOME (R2 DVD) ****

Film: Dream Home ****
Release date: 28th March 2011
Certificate: 18
Running time: 96 mins
Director: Pang Ho-cheung
Starring: Josie Ho, Michelle Ye, Eason Chan, Lawrence Chou, Norman Chu
Genre: Horror
Studio: Network
Format: DVD
Country: Hong Kong

It doesn't take much to upset Cheng (Josie Ho) - a huge residential project blocks her view of the harbour and she's pissed, not helped by her inability to save up enough cash for her family to move in to the new complex. So what does she do? Well, first she works hard, taking on two jobs, but no matter how hard she toils, she still cannot earn enough to keep up with the ever-increasing values of Honk Kong's real estate.

Suddenly, it dawns on her - in order to get what she wants she must take matters into her own hands, which basically means going on a murder spree that should see the value of the building drop dramatically.

Well, I've seen horror movies with worse motives, and Dream Home is saved by some fantastic scenes of mutilation and carnage - especially those of the look-away variety. Littered with flashbacks that interrupt the mayhem but eventually do what's required and create a sense of empathy (sort of), if you want some seriously entertaining bloodshed, look no further because this is insane.

HORROR CLASSIC? SUPERSTITION (1982)

For some bizarre reason, Superstition was extremely popular in Britain - so much so, it managed to gain a theatrical release two years after it frightened the life out of those that had watched it on video. The plot revolves around a witch, put to death in 1692, who swears vengeance on her persecutors and returns to the present day to punish their descendants.

Attempting to mix the supernatural with more tradional knife play, director James W. Roberson ruins anything remotely exciting with an opening set-piece sped up to look even more ludicrous, compensated with a score so out of place even a kind-hearted alien, who was living with a suburban family at around the same time, playing the piano in a seedy nightclub because his bicycle has been stolen, probably couldn't match its randomness.

If you manage to get beyond the ridiculous lack of empathy for friends and comrades dying every couple of minutes, ignore the introduction of sexy ladies (their swimsuits aren't even that interesting), dismiss the inventive power tool death as pure fluke, and still find something that will entertain by the time the finale arrives in all its low-budget gusto, you're a better man than me. For the record, I did make it to the end, but it's nothing to be proud of, so I'll probably go and suffer in silence, or even worse, watch this travesty again.

REVIEW: WAKE WOOD (R2 DVD)

Film: Wake Wood ***

Release Date: 28th March 2011

Certificate: 18

Director: David Keating

Starring: Eva Birthistle, Ella Connolly, Aidan Gillen, Brian Gleeson, Timothy Spall

Genre: Horror

Format: DVD

Reviewer: Adam Wing

After the critical and commercial success of horror remake Let Me In (2010), Hammer Films would appear to be making a welcome comeback, especially if you take into account the quality of David Keating’s latest oddity - call it a resurrection if you will.

Still grieving the death of their only child, Alice (Ella Connolly), a young couple relocate to the remote town of Wake Wood where they stumble upon a group of villagers practising Pagan rituals. They soon discover that this ritual has the power to bring back the dead, and could allow them three days to say goodbye to their beloved daughter.

When terms are agreed with the ominous leader Arthur (Timothy Spall), far greater questions become apparent... what will they do when it's time for Alice to go back? Will she go back peacefully? Or are there more sinister forces at work? This being a Hammer Films production, it stands to reason that we’re not going to end on a shot of hugs and puppies.

The lives of Louise (Eva Birthistle) and Patrick (Aidan Gillen) are destroyed when their daughter is mauled to death by a ferocious dog, they move to the town of Wake Wood and attempt to pick up the pieces of their shattered existence. Louise gets a job behind a counter, and Patrick is employed by Arthur to help with the animals.

One dark night (isn’t it always), Louise stumbles upon a Pagan ritual being performed by the sinister village leader, but it’s not until they decide to leave that the cold, dead truth comes to life. Patrick refuses to believe in it at first, but Louise is less reluctant, having already witnessed a rebirth, not to mention some very peculiar behaviour at the pharmacy where she works. As is always the case with Pagan rituals, there are rules that need to be followed, and it doesn’t take a genius to work out that something goes terribly wrong.

Stephen King’s Pet Sematary (1989) gets a British makeover then, and David Keating’s horror outing is spurred on by two extraordinary lead performances. Timothy Spall is often restricted to comedic roles in lightweight Hollywood family fare, so it’s easy to forget what a fine actor he is. He certainly has the look of an evildoer, so its no small wonder that he steals every scene with his creepy portrayal of village leader Arthur.

His performance is almost bested however by that of newcomer Ella Connolly, the daughter reborn who ‘isn’t quite right’. All sweetness and light in the films opening - witness the scene where she enters the new family home for the first time. Upon being told they were there ‘for a break’, Alice innocently concludes, “I must’ve slept the whole way”. It soon becomes clear that all is not well, and Connolly successfully balances the innocence of youth with the sinister undertones of twisted child trauma. Creepy kids are a given in this kind of movie, and Ella’s Alice always convinces, helped by a script that is blessed with foreboding lines like “I’ll see you later” and intimidating innocence when asking “Mum… can I have a hug?”

The rest of the cast perform admirably and the intriguing plot makes for compulsive viewing. Wake Wood's biggest failing is that it doesn’t add anything new to an already exhausted genre, that said however, it doesn’t exactly walk in the shadows of its siblings either. Two spectacular lead turns help, as does a solid script that manipulates at just the right moments.

The cinematography is reliably atmospheric and Wake Wood delivers on its promise of genuinely disgusting rebirths and a fine line in bloody retribution. What the film lacks in originality it makes up for in menace, and dare I say it, moving sentiment. It’s unusual for a horror movie to be so affecting, in this regard Hammer’s latest shares a lot in common with last years Let Me In - Ella’s Alice ensures that Wake Wood touches deeper than your typical fright fest.

Wake Wood fails to break new ground, but David Keating’s horror debut is a memorable movie in its own right, and a killer ending seals the coffin on a delectably deadly night in.

HORROR CLASSIC: BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974)

Film: Black Christmas ****

Year: 1974

Certificate: 18

Running Time: 98 mins

Director: Bob Clark

Starring: Olivia Hussey, Keir Dullea, Margot Kidder, John Saxon

Genre: Horror

Format: DVD

Country: USA

Slasher movies just love to torture sorority girls, but the one that really started it all was this effort from way back in 1974, starring Margot Kidder (who would obviously go on and play the love of Superman's life), Olivia Hussey, rebelling from a much celebrated performance in Romeo and Juliet (1968), and the always excellent John Saxon (Nancy's father in A Nightmare on Elm Street), doing what he does best as the Lieutenant.

Director Bob Clark's story utilizes to great effect the creepy phone call scenario that has happily stalked many a horror movie in the last couple of decades, only this time the killer is a complete fruitcake, and his insane ramblings down the other end of the line will offer genuine chills sadly missing when revisiting slasher films from the seventies and eighties. 

It's also wickedly funny, Kidder's drunken performance the highlight, but never strays far enough to be considered limp-wristed, instead sticking faithfully to a tense plot in which nobody is safe. John Carpenter must've enjoyed its visual style, not to mention the themes running through it, as Halloween imitates both, even if he did have the foresight to introduce a masked villain and a more emphatic leading lady.

The film was unfairly criticized as being clichéd on its release by the American film paper Variety, complaining about exploitation and needless violence, which only questions whether that critic managed to survive the eighties without taking a knife to his or her own throat. In truth, they got it dead wrong. Black Christmas is a festive feast from start to finish, mainly because its key ingredient still has the power to chill your blood - an absolute must-see.

REVIEW: THE LAST VICTIM (R2 DVD)

Film: The Last Victim ****
Release Date: Out Now
Certificate: 18
Director: Svetozar Ristovski
Starring: William Forsythe, Jesse Moss, Patrick Gilmore, Emma Lahana
Genre: Horror/True Crime
Format: DVD
Reviewer: Adam Wing

Also known as Dear Mr. Gacy, Svetozar Ristovski’s (Mirage) worthwhile drama chronicles the life of serial killer John Wayne Gacy, Jr. Also known as the Killer Clown, he committed the rape and murder of 33 teenage boys and young men between 1972 and 1978. Twenty-six of Gacy's victims were buried in his home; three on his property and four were discarded in a nearby river. Gacy became known as the "Killer Clown" due to his services at fundraising events, parades and children's parties where he would dress as "Pogo the Clown," a character he created himself.

Jason Michael Moss was an American writer on serial killers. While studying at UNLV for his honours thesis, he established relationships with John Wayne Gacy, Richard Ramirez, Henry Lee Lucas, Jeffrey Dahmer, and Charles Manson. Moss later said that, of all the serial killers he corresponded with, he formed the strongest relationship with John Wayne Gacy. T

his film tells the story of their first meeting, when Moss was just 18 years of age, through to their very last just before his execution. Moss wrote to Gacy on a regular basis, even convincing his younger brother to correspond as well, these letters led to regular morning phone calls, during which Gacy maintained his innocence. In his book The Last Victim, Moss tells the story of his correspondence and Svetozar Ristovski revisits these events here, in this mentally disturbing tale of power, control and corruption.

William Forsythe takes on the role of John Wayne Gacy and nails the opportunity with subtlety and precision. It’s very difficult to make a serial killer approachable, but Forsythe’s performance smacks of the ‘guy next door’ routine, with naturally sinister undertones of course. Both a likeable presence in the films opening, and a raging monster by the films end, Forsythe has done crazy before, but Gacy is by far his most challenging role to date.

Jesse Moss plays the part of Jason Moss (no relation) and his character is no less complicated. A model student in the films opening, Moss becomes corrupted by the power of Gacy. His world, and the world of those around him, begins to fall apart, leading to serious shifts in nature and a disturbingly sinister turn of events. Moss commits himself to the task wholeheartedly and almost strikes the right balance, though a hasty script and little room for development occasionally hamper his commendable performance.

Ristovski handles proceedings well enough but I came away suspecting there was more meat to pick at. It’s an engaging tale, a morally disturbing insight into the influence of a killer on the mind of the impressionable, and the dark path it leads them down makes for intoxicating viewing. The running time is relatively short and the speed at which Moss loses his way seems unlikely.

The darker side of his nature falls into place too quickly - it’s not that we don’t get to see the fruits of his confused nature - but when events do take a turn down Disturbia Avenue, they don’t quite convince in the manner they should. Moss shouldn’t be held fully accountable; it’s the director’s duty to prevent him from coming on like a stroppy Anakin Skywalker type, and it's a situation Ristovski doesn’t always get a handle of.

Moss claimed to have become Gacy's "last victim" after a face-to-face meeting in prison, describing how Gacy’s presence almost consumed him, a series of events encapsulated in this motion picture. For me, Ristovski’s picture leaves that open to debate - Gacy’s reaction when he realises he’s being played suggests that he was no less a victim of his own twisted soul. Moss’ ethics have since been questioned, as have many of the claims he made in his book. He committed suicide in his Henderson, Nevada home on the morning of June 6, 2006. At the time of his death, he was a practicing criminal defence attorney.

The Last Victim escapes its low budget origins and makes for engrossing viewing due largely to a sublime performance from William Forsythe. Ristovski doesn’t always convince in recapturing Moss’ fall from grace, but the spellbinding subject matter makes up for the filmmakers occasional shortcomings. The Last Victim is a surprisingly disturbing movie and certainly worth a look.

REVIEW: WUSHU - THE YOUNG GENERATION (R2 DVD)

Film: Wushu - The Young Generation **
Release Date: 18th April 2011
Certificate: 12
Director: Antony Szeto
Starring: Sammo Hung Kam-Bo, Fengchao Liu, Wenjie Wang
Genre: Martial Arts
Format:DVD
Reviewer: Adam Wing

Jackie Chan is on board as executive producer of Wushu - The Young Generation, which is hardly surprising when you consider that it’s young stars are genuine martial artists plucked from obscurity and thrown onto the big screen in the hope of discovering the next big thing.

Antony Szeto takes on directorial duties, telling the tale of newbie martial arts students facing a variety of challenges as they prepare to graduate. Leading the pack are Wang Wen Jie and Liu Feng Chao, and martial arts legend Sammo Hung provides hefty support as both wushu instructor and father of two of the boys.

We first meet Li Yi (Wang Wen Jie) and Li Er (Wang Ya Chao) at a very young age, starting their journey through school and into manhood. Li Yi is tipped to win a hotly contested wushu competition, but he insists on performing his late mother's signature move, which is so difficult that it could cost him the gold medal.

His friends have their own trials to face, but they too must do whatever it takes to overcome the hurdles and tackle their challenges head on. Just as things become a little too pedestrian, former wushu prodigy He Le (Tie Nan) attempts to kidnap some of the wushu students - where would we be without a little Hollywood formula? Along with Li Yi and student Yang Yaowu (Liu Feng Chao), Li Hui sets out to track down the villains and bring He Le to justice.

There are a number of problems with Wushu - The Young Generation, most notably when it comes to low production values and loose direction. The miniscule budget (I’m assuming the budget was low) gives Wushu a made-for-TV vibe, which is distracting enough in itself, but director Antony Szeto drops the ball big time when it comes to making the most of his stars.

Wushu comes complete with both martial arts legend Sammo Hung and a wealth of young talent that know how to handle themselves on the battlefield. Antony Szeto not only gets too close to the action, but his trigger-happy editing style provides a movie going experience that feels like its hiding something. Which is just plain crazy because these guys know what they’re doing, and had Szeto pulled back and allowed his actors to perform, Wushu would have made for engaging spectacle - the only thing he seems to be hiding is any genuine ability behind the camera.

The first hour of the movie is an endless parade of exhibitionist action and predictable coming of age drama, its incredibly lightweight but not without a certain sense of charm. The young stars acquit themselves rather well, lacking in depth but making up for acting experience with a likeable screen presence that encourages effortless hokum.

Story wise, Wushu lurches from one set piece to the next, without any indication of proper direction. It’s a bit of mess if the truth be told, and things get worse when He Le shows up with his sinister plot and a horde of evil henchman. The formulaic plotting seems out of place with the rest of the movie, and serves only to bolster a brief running time whilst highlighting a weak director without purpose. We do at least get to see the big man dance, but with Antony Szeto at the helm, you’ll be forgiven for feeling a little short-changed.

The lack of original storytelling would have been acceptable had The Young Generation blessed us with authentic action and high-flying stunts aplenty - it doesn’t. Antony Szeto fails to make the most of his young stars and drowns them in a wealth of poor execution, cliché-ridden drama and uninspiring action.

Feeling like a documentary at times, Wushu takes a wealth of genuine talent and hides it beneath a generic tale told a thousand times over - a damn shame it is and a disappointment to boot.

TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE: THE KING MAKER (R2 DVD)

Film: The King Maker
Release date: 21st March 2011
Certificate: 15
Running time: 92 mins
Director: Let Kitaparaporn
Starring: Gary Stretch, John Rhys Davies, Cindy Burbridge, Dom Hetrakul
Genre: Fantasy/Martial Arts
Format: DVD

During the early nineties, Gary Stretch was the glamour-boy of British boxing, his biggest moment undoubtedly arriving in 1991 when he challenged Chris Eubank for the WBO world middleweight championship in London. Billed as “beauty versus the best”, the outcome proved controversial, but because Stretch earned more as a model than actually fighting, he took the loss on the chin and the lure of movie stardom proved all too much. In 2004 his hard work finally paid off when he was cast as psychotic gangster Sonny in Shane Meadows' gritty thriller Dead Man's Shoes (2004). A year later would see him become the leading man in Let Kitaparaporn’s The King Maker. Would it take Stretch to the top in Tinseltown, or instead be the knockout blow?

Fernando De Gama (Gary Stretch), a young Portuguese soldier of fortune, sets sail for the Orient seeking the man who killed his father. Shipwrecked, captured and sold into slavery, Fernando is rescued by a beautiful woman only to discover she is linked to his father's murder.

When Fernando is pressed into military service, his heroics on the battlefield gain him the distinction of becoming a celebrated personal guard to the King of Siam.

It isn’t long though before he uncovers the devious Queen's plan to replace the King with her lover, so Fernando must battle to stop the very plot in which he is incriminated, before the kingdom explodes into war…

He said: The hackneyed but enjoyable opening, including some entertaining action scenes, impressive stunts and, particularly fun, our hero’s encounter with a crocodile, means that for a good twenty minutes the viewer is willing to venture further into a world that’s simple but functional and quite nicely conceived, managing to forgive the over enthusiastic use of computer generated effects and close up shots of a fake leg to the face.

She said: The opening stampede - we’ll call it an ‘introduction’ for now - reminded me of a young Tony Jaa, before he lost his mind and turned to religion. No offence Tony, but you had a talent I could see with my own eyes. Then you decided to live in a cave and reinvent yourself. I’m happy for you, truly I am. But action cinema pretty much lost its greatest creation since Bruce Lee - I doubt your God even remembers bringing you into this world, he’s probably more interested in impregnating virgins - it’s a rumour I heard. Probably a different God. The King Maker is blessed with a chaotic opening that breeds hope for the remainder of the movie.

He said: The one who suffers most is Yoe Hassadeevichit, playing Queen Sudachan, hamming it up with lines that would make George Lucas cringe: “Believe me, they have never known a woman like me before, but soon, they will!” she hisses, moments after another gem, in which she mumbles to herself, “He (the King) treats me like a common whore. One day, I will make him pay for his indiscretions, that, I promise!”

She said: The acting is atrocious throughout. Believe me, if the signature theme doesn’t remind you of ‘The Phantom Menace’ then the acting will. George Lucas must be shaking his hands with glee, The King Maker belongs in a world where the voice talent of  ‘A Phantom Menace’ thrives. I’m not talking about the Qui-Gon Jinn’s of this world - we’ll pretend that he exists in a far grander universe - I’m talking about the soulless robots that inhabit planet actuality.

He said: In one more doozy, during a pointless cockfight, someone dares to utter the line, “There might be something funny about your cock” to the other contender. It has no relevance, and thanks to the drivel spat out before it, it isn’t clear whether this is an attempt at humour (neither is the Witch Doctor who sounds like Crazy Frog), which sadly, sums up a movie with actual potential to entertain.

She said: Nobody wants to watch a funny cock for ninety minutes. Not even a noteworthy performer like Gary Stretch. No offence Gary - maybe you should’ve stuck with the modelling. Did I say modelling? I meant boxing. Obviously.

He said: Equally tiring are the visuals, and it’s odd to report that The King Maker has already dated badly, somehow resembling the eighties imaginings of John Carpenter’s Big Trouble In Little China (1986) a decade too late. It may bring other-worldly veracity to the party, especially in the opening exchanges, but how a film nine years younger manages to fail with simple back projection techniques (most notable in the big battle scene) is worrying, and certainly disrupts an audiences’ ability to suspend disbelief.

She said: The effects are awful.

He said: There will always be those who’ll suggest that all the corn witnessed here adds to the charm, but there’s no getting away from a terrible script that lacks realistic conflict and characterization, even if the score provides some thumping action themes and a couple of love songs Celine Dion would’ve been proud of, if only she wasn’t so busy with a three-year, 600-show contract to appear five nights a week in an entertainment extravaganza at Caesars Palace, Las Vegas.

She said: Perhaps I was in the wrong frame of mind, but any attempts at heartfelt sincerity seemed lost in a wasteland of ceaseless hilarity. All you need, or so it would seem, is something akin to a Celene Dion number, several mortified looks of anguish, and a Thai Choir to get you through the heartache. Just so long as you don’t forget the slow-mo - and a few knowing glances. Believe me when I say it, even the stone carvings had smiles on their faces. Fernando and Maria (Cindy Burbridge) share the kind of relationship fully endorsed by the classic action movies of the 80's. He’s only known her for a day and already he’s coming out with lines like “this might be hard for you”.

He said: An exercise in style over substance, with very little of the former, The King Maker will entertain fans of Gary Stretch the boxer, but will fail to endorse Gary Stretch the actor, thanks to a script that hits the canvas after the first round.

She said: It's a film in which the entire cast speaks English, and nobody bothers with their native tongue - saves on the subtitles I guess. The King Maker is one of the worst films I’ve ever seen. I loved/hated every minute of it (delete as appropriate).

HORROR CLASSIC: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME (1981)

Film: Happy Birthday To Me ***
Year: 1981
Certificate: 15
Running Time: 110 mins
Director: J. Lee Thompson
Starring: Melissa Sue Anderson, Glen Ford, Tracey E Bregman, Matt Craven, Leonore Zann
Genre: Horror
Format: DVD
Country: USA

Who needs pass the parcel and pink wafers when you suffer from alarming blackouts? Certainly not Virginia, especially as the self-elected 'top 10' at Crawford Academy are being butchered in some pretty grotesque ways, with the finger of suspicion spinning like a game of twister until its pointing right at her.

She could always blame a freak accident not so long ago, leaving her poor old mother dead, and her needing brain surgery. Or she could just go down to Topshop and buy a second pair of gloves, preferably not black and definately not made of leather. Or it might not be her at all, just her so-called friends playing tricks; her birthday is fast approaching, after all...

Directed by J. Lee Thompson of Cape Fear (1962) fame, Happy Birthday To Me is another enjoyable early eighties slasher film that refuses to take itself too seriously, with a likeable cast and some inventive murders culminating in a thankfully bizarre final twenty minutes - resuscitating flashbacks that were as meaningful as birthday cards without money inside.

The big reveal may be a little over the top, and the whole party does drag its heels a little bit, but if you fancy seeing someone strangled by a motorbike wheel, another murdered as they're lifting weights, and best of all, death by shish kebab, then this little oddity will be right up your street. Just don't expect a party bag...

GREAT NIGHT IN: LET ME IN (R2 DVD) ****

"Based on the best-selling novel of the same name and the successful Swedish film, Let Me In is a stunning coming-of-age tale about Owen, an overlooked and bullied boy, who finds love and revenge through Abby, a beautiful yet odd little girl who just happens to be a vampire.

Director Matt Reeves (Cloverfield) must thank his child actors Kodi Smit-McPhee (The Road) and Chloe Moretz (Kickass) for making this remake so outstanding. Every good moment from the Swedish version, Let The Right One In, is recreated here, and to be honest, there isn't that much of a difference, making this one strange little animal.

On the positive side, it's nice to see a director sticking so faithfully to the original, adding his unique touch to certain scenes as if he's been chatting about them with his mates down the pub, noting what they would've done differently, enabling him to create a further draft of a perfectly fine screenplay.

On the negative side, it does seem ultimately pointless, reminding those that have seen the Swedish version just how good it is, whilst perhaps more importantly, giving an opportunity to those lazy viewers that don't do subtitles. Either way, this is slow, subtle, and extremely scary - just like horror movies ought to be."

REVIEW: THE KING MAKER (R2 DVD)

Film: The King Maker **
Release date: 21st March 2011
Certificate: 15
Running time: 92 mins
Director: Let Kitaparaporn
Starring: Gary Stretch, John Rhys Davies, Cindy Burbridge, Dom Hetrakul
Genre: Fantasy/Martial Arts
Format: DVD

During the early nineties, Gary Stretch was the glamour-boy of British boxing, his biggest moment undoubtedly arriving in 1991 when he challenged Chris Eubank for the WBO world middleweight championship in London. Billed as “beauty versus the best”, the outcome proved controversial, but because Stretch earned more as a model than actually fighting, he took the loss on the chin and the lure of movie stardom proved all too much. In 2004 his hard work finally paid off when he was cast as psychotic gangster Sonny in Shane Meadows' gritty thriller Dead Man's Shoes (2004). A year later would see him become the leading man in Let Kitaparaporn’s The King Maker. Would it take Stretch to the top in Tinseltown, or instead be the knockout blow?

Fernando De Gama (Gary Stretch), a young Portuguese soldier of fortune, sets sail for the Orient seeking the man who killed his father. Shipwrecked, captured and sold into slavery, Fernando is rescued by a beautiful woman only to discover she is linked to his father's murder.

When Fernando is pressed into military service, his heroics on the battlefield gain him the distinction of becoming a celebrated personal guard to the King of Siam.

It isn’t long though before he uncovers the devious Queen's plan to replace the King with her lover, so Fernando must battle to stop the very plot in which he is incriminated, before the kingdom explodes into war…

The hackneyed but enjoyable opening, including some entertaining action scenes, impressive stunts and, particularly fun, our hero’s encounter with a crocodile, means that for a good twenty minutes the viewer is willing to venture further into a world that’s simple but functional and quite nicely conceived, managing to forgive the over enthusiastic use of computer generated effects and close up shots of a fake leg to the face. But, echoing Gary Stretch’s penultimate boxing match against Eubank, The King Maker also fails to go the distance.

Once again, however, such a farce isn’t necessarily down to Stretch. He is, after all, one of the highlights of the film, and even if his acting abilities aren’t quite on a par with Paddy Considine, whom he was cast alongside in Dead Man’s Shoes, his performance is ten times greater than any of the other cast members. There’s also an impressive boxing match in the final act that will entertain more than just fans of his boxing career.

The rest of the cast could easily argue that they’re let down by some woeful dialogue. The one who suffers most is Yoe Hassadeevichit, playing Queen Sudachan, hamming it up with lines that would make George Lucas cringe: “Believe me, they have never known a woman like me before, but soon, they will!” she hisses, moments after another gem, in which she mumbles to herself, “He (the King) treats me like a common whore. One day, I will make him pay for his indiscretions, that, I promise!” Best of all though is a conversation she has with her lover: “I’m going to have a baby – do you understand?” she says, lovingly waiting for his response. “A child?” is his dimwitted reply. He’s obviously quite a catch…

With so many daft conversations throughout, lazily pushing the story forward (we want to see, not hear) Kitaparaporn has obviously forgotten the three important rules of dialogue. First, it requires compression and economy, saying the maximum in the fewest possible words. It must also have direction, without the repetition shown in the angst of his antagonist, the Queen, and it should also have purpose. In one more doozy, during a pointless cockfight, someone dares to utter the line, “There might be something funny about your cock” to the other contender. It has no relevance, and thanks to the drivel spat out before it, it isn’t clear whether this is an attempt at humour (neither is the Witch Doctor who sounds like Crazy Frog), which sadly, sums up a movie with actual potential to entertain.

Equally tiring are the visuals, and it’s odd to report that The King Maker has already dated badly, somehow resembling the eighties imaginings of John Carpenter’s Big Trouble In Little China (1986) a decade too late. It may bring other-worldly veracity to the party, especially in the opening exchanges, but how a film nine years younger manages to fail with simple back projection techniques (most notable in the big battle scene) is worrying, and certainly disrupts an audiences’ ability to suspend disbelief. Luckily, Kitaparaporn short changes us with the action anyway, cutting to Fernando standing amongst a pile of dead bodies instead.

There will always be those who’ll suggest that all the corn witnessed here adds to the charm, but there’s no getting away from a terrible script that lacks realistic conflict and characterization, even if the score provides some thumping action themes and a couple of love songs Celine Dion would’ve been proud of, if only she wasn’t so busy with a three-year, 600-show contract to appear five nights a week in an entertainment extravaganza at Caesars Palace, Las Vegas.

Sadly, Gary Stretch never performed there, and here lies the problem, reiterated by his film credits since (discounting World Trade Centre, in which he played a paramedic). He’s the poor man’s Vinny Jones, despite the ageing looks, and unless he joins the WWE sharpish, always will be.

An exercise in style over substance, with very little of the former, The King Maker will entertain fans of Gary Stretch the boxer, but will fail to endorse Gary Stretch the actor, thanks to a script that hits the canvas after the first round.

REVIEW: STONEHENGE APOCALYPSE (R2 DVD)

Film: Stonehenge Apocalypse **

Release Date: Out Now

Certificate: 15

Director: Paul Ziller

Starring: Misha Collins, Hill Harper, Torri Higginson, Michael Kopsa

Genre: Disaster

Format: DVD

Reviewer: Adam Wing

I don’t know what scares me the most about Stonehenge Apocalypse - the fact that the line “A nuclear attack on Stonehenge will destroy the entire planet” is used, or the fact that I actually quite enjoyed it. On the most primitive of levels of course. I say primitive, I’m trying to remain respected here. I actually enjoyed it because it really wasn’t that bad a movie, note the word usage however - ‘really wasn’t that bad a movie’. At no point did I state that it was a good movie, ok?

When a group of archaeologists dig up a human skeleton near the historical monument of Stonehenge, an ancient piece of machinery is discovered hidden beneath the ground. Not knowing what it could be, the workers accidentally trigger the mechanism and start a chain of events that could very well end the world as we know it.

Directed by Paul Ziller (I’ve never heard of him either), Stonehenge Apocalypse brings together a host of familiar, and not so familiar faces, from the small screen. Rogue scientist Jacob Glaser is brought to life by Misha Collins (angel Castiel in Supernatural), Peter Wingfield (Holby City, 24, X-Men II) plays Dr. John Trousdale, and Hill Harper (CSI: NY) takes on the role of born again bad guy Joseph Leshem. The one name that places Stonehenge Apocalypse at the tip of Syfy Channel’s illustrious TV movie pyramid is that of writer Brad Abraham, and perhaps we should give director Paul Ziller a little credit here too. Not to mention Misha Collins, but we’ll get to that part later.

I’ve seen a lot of bad movies lately, and Stonehenge Apocalypse isn’t one of them. Perhaps it was the fact that the entire cast took the whole production so seriously. Don’t forget, they’re working on a project called ‘Stonehenge Apocalypse’. I don’t care if it’s the worst movie ever made, with a title like that, nothing’s going to stop me from seeing it. I was expecting hammy acting, over-the-top performances and relentless implausibility. Some might argue that they hit the nail on the last part, but I’m talking about stupid people, people who don’t stay in enough and couldn’t possibly appreciate the concept of alien life forms - but in retrospect, I’m mostly talking about the people who don’t drink enough.

Misha Collins is a revelation in the leading role, so much so that I just added the entire Supernatural collection to my lovefilm rental queue - now that’s dedication. He’s helped by a winning script that provides classic line after classic line, including the likes of “what once created life on this planet, is about to wipe it out” and “ the death of this world will be the dawn of the next”. Stonehenge Apocalypse is the dictionary definition of apocalyptic prick tease. Every fifteen minutes or so somebody utters a line that keeps you on the edge of your seat, almost as though they're headed for a commercial break and a quick brew.

Credit must go to co-writers Brad Abraham and Paul Ziller for keeping me intrigued until the final credits rolled, I was barely able to keep my eyes off the screen, at least until I needed another refill - or the cat decided it was time to take a leak. That being said, Misha Collins really does deserve a better role than this - maybe there’s a guest spot on CSI: NY coming up in the fall?

Almost an hour goes by before events take a turn for Stupid Avenue, but the above-average acting will keep you hooked until the vague hope of alien invasion and death to all mankind desintegrates before your very eyes. It never quite happens of course, but what do you expect from a film with limited resources, don’t be fooled into thinking you’re watching the latest Steven Spielberg movie, okay?

If you’re watching Stonehenge Apocalypse you’re either a/ drunk. b/ watching late night television because you couldn’t get any, or c/ a poor, defenceless movie reviewer that doesn’t get paid but does at least get the opportunity to ignore his long-suffering girlfriend in the aid of warning others of impending doom. If you’re really lucky, you get to play the part of all three.

The effects are occasionally impressive (largely rubbish), and the acting is vastly superior to that of similar movies making the jump from late-night TV, but Stonehenge Apocalypse is stopped in its tracks by meagre funding and a viewer’s resilience to B-movie madness. Any movie that dares to utilise a rare ancient artefact, a rare ancient artefact that could quite possibly be the key to mankind’s very existence, as a destructive weapon ‘to the head’ is always worthy.

So lets be clear here - Stonehenge Apocalypse is an awesome movie from a certain point of view. You’ll usually find it hiding at the bottom of an empty wine glass. But I dare you to watch this movie, and believe me when I say it, if you’re not screaming “It was a robot head!” at the end of the films cataclysmically entertaining finale, I promise to swallow my corkscrew. Who am I kidding? Nobody uses corkscrews anymore. 

REVIEW: 71: INTO THE FIRE (R2 DVD)

Film: 71 – Into The Fire ****

Release date: 14th March 2011

Certificate: 15

Running time: 116 mins

Director: John H. Lee

Starring: Cha Seung-won, Kwone Sang-woo, Choi Seung-hyun, Kim Seung-woo

Genre: Drama/War

Studio: Cine Asia

Format: DVD & Blu-ray

Country: South Korea
Reviewer: Adam Wing

Remember back in 1991 when terrorists seized control of an elite boarding school, and a group of trouble-making boys - led by head Goonie Sean Astin - took it upon themselves to fight back. Louis Gossett Jr. played Dean Edward Parker and boyhood wonder Toy Soldiers was born - well I loved it anyway. Now imagine Toy Soldiers set in Korea, where the guns are bigger and the warfare is based on fact. I might be selling 71: Into The Fire a little short on this one, comparing it to a fantastical schoolboy adventure, but John H. Lee’s spectacular war epic touches on similar themes of heroism, defiance against all odds and plucky determination.

During the devastating Korean War, 71 South Korean soldiers stood guard at a middle school and defended an important strategic point from hundreds of North Korean soldiers - most of them students, not yet soldiers. Director John H. Lee (A Moment to Remember) brings the story to life with a pitch-perfect cast that includes Kwon Sang Woo, Cha Seung Won and Kim Seung Woo.

In June 1950, a war between North and South Korea broke out, threatening to destroy everything that lay in its path. A South Korean soldier (Kim Seung Woo) is ordered to take his troops to assist a group of young soldiers defending a girl’s boarding school near the Nakdong River. The ragtag band of inexperienced soldiers, which includes resident bad boy Gap Su (Kwon Sang Woo), is led by Jang Beom (T.O.P), the only member of the group with any kind of battle experience.

After providing pretty much zero training for the youthful squadron, the ‘expert’ soldiers head off towards the Nakdong River in order to fight the North Koreans. However, an enemy battalion, led by a reliably sinister General Park (Cha Seung Won), take an alternate path that just so happens to be headed in the direction of Jang Beom's newbie squadron. Chaos ensues - bringing with it powerful explosions, adrenaline pumping battle scenes and emotional turmoil by the tank-load. 71: Into the Fire is available now on both DVD and Blu-ray, courtesy of Cine-Asia.

Back home, the casting of Korean rapper T.O.P caused quite the stir, but I’m pleased to report that I’ve never heard of T.O.P. or in fact his popular K-band Big Bang. I’m more interesting in the big bangs presented by John H. Lee’s exhausting feature, and on that note, 71: Into the Fire delivers at every turn. The action sequences are beautifully realised, utilising over-familiar cinematic techniques it has to be said, but few will escape the raw intensity of a picture orchestrated with passion and verve. Enormous explosions, dream-like slow-mo, handheld techniques - John H. Lee successfully balances the demands of modern audiences with the realism of warfare. Compact, intense and personal - it’s a modern war movie that truly benefits from the clear, crisp vision of high definition TV.

There are 71 soldiers bidding for your attention on the battlefield, and John H. Lee chooses to focus on but a handful of faces, thankfully Into the Fire burns far brighter as a result. T.O.P provides a subtle turn as leading officer Jang Beom, and few will fault his performance here - he makes for a vulnerable hero unwilling to surrender to both his alleged comrades and the harshness of war. Kwon Sang Woo comes on like he’s just signed up for the latest Battle Royale sequel, but his obligatory arrogance is finely balanced with that of deep-rooted fear, and the relationship he forms with Jang Beom is commendable.

Kim Seung Woo impresses in a limited supporting role (Dean Edward Parker anyone?), as does Cha Seung Won, playing the part of North Korean commander General Park. Both flawed and ruthless, Cha Seung Won encapsulates the confusion of war, delivering a scene-stealing performance that warrants your complete attention and a lot more screen time. There are a few characters that could’ve benefited from greater depth, not least the two brothers called upon to provide an emotional hook - not to mention one hell of screen exit that sets the screen on fire. It’s fair to say that everybody gets to play hero in John H. Lee’s masterful tribute to bravery.

There are a few flaws waiting to be discovered, because 71: Into the Fire sticks rigidly to the template laid down by Spielberg’s Private Ryan for maximum commercial appeal. However, Into the Fire just about escapes the clutches of sentimentality, and John H. Lee successfully reigns in the emotional downpour for the most part, even if he does resort to theatrical tear dropping from time to time. That’s just fine though, war films without emotional payoff are like musicals without dance numbers - the two go hand in hand like a walk in the park.

War films have been done to death of course, but 71: Into the Fire presents us with the prescribed dosage of foolhardy heroism, spectacular pyrotechnics and over-reaching sentimentality. It’s quite literally a blast from start to finish, and I didn’t even mention Korean blockbuster Taegukgi: The Brotherhood of War at all. Damn it.