Justin Timpane’s low budget horror comedy arrived in the UK with
the promise of ninjas and zombies, which is rarely a bad thing. It’s
hardly inspired though, which is probably why the distributors felt the urge to
change the title for its UK premiere. Here the film is known as Zombie
Contagion, but Ninjas vs. Zombies has already spawned a sequel back home, and
it doesn’t take a genius to work out what Ninjas vs. Vampires is all about
either. I just hope I’m not unfortunate enough to receive a copy.
Timpane and story consultant Daniel Ross have thrown
everything they have at this misguided production, apart from the presence of
actual quality. In an attempt to reach the largest audience imaginable,
Timpane’s movie comes on like a bizarre mix of science fiction, horror,
fantasy, action and comedy. To make matters worse, Timpane claims he took
inspiration for the film from movies like Scream, Harry Potter, Serenity, Dawn
of the Dead and Chasing Amy. Which is a pretty diverse group of films it has to
be said.
It’s fairly obvious he’s a Joss Whedon fan, though it goes
without saying that he doesn’t possess the charm, charisma, sense of humour or
actual filmmaking talent. The end credits even thank 'Joss Whedon (who doesn’t
know we exist)'. To be quite honest with you Justin, there’s a really good
reason for that. That’s probably the films funniest moment though, and with
references to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Lost, Indiana Jones, Star Trek and Star
Wars bidding for your attention, it soon becomes clear that there’s not much
going on in the script department either.
Seven friends find themselves in danger when a long dead
loved one is magically resurrected and starts devouring souls. Three of them
are magically granted ‘ninja powers’ (and I type that loosely) in order to
defeat the horde of zombies chasing them down. Now its up to them to make up
for the absence of plot, structure and script, before time runs out and the
world is overrun by lacklustre sequels. Damn it… too late. Zombie Contagion is
one of the worst movies I have seen in a long time, making the films of Seiji
Chiba (Alien vs. Ninja) look like a work of genius.
The acting is atrocious from the outset, and the characters
they bring to ‘life’ are either annoying stereotypes or just plain annoying.
Herman (Will Stendeback) was the chief offender for me, providing the film with
its token ‘geek’ character – all Dungeons & Dragons, Star Wars references
and cheap glasses. The films big bad is painfully dull, devoid of character and
cool, and none of the actors seem capable of delivering a line on cue. Which
would be a real disappointment if the script was as smart as it thinks it is,
but thankfully the writing is largely terrible, with any attempts at humour
hammering further nails into an overly crowded coffin.
With the budget estimated to be around $10,000 you can
forgive the filmmakers for lousy CGI, but even ignoring the kind of effects you
can produce on a home computer system these days, Zombie Contagion has very
little going for it beyond hard work, desire and dedication. Timpane should be
applauded for attempting to make a movie, but he should also be reminded that
the job centre opens on Monday, so it might be in his best interest to leave
the filmmaking to people who actually know what they’re doing. Ninjas are
thrown into the mix to provide the occasional fight sequence (or filler, as I
like to call it) but fail to make the grade in every conceivable way. It’s a complete
mess to be honest; a cheap, cheerless, colourful mess that fails to raise even
the faintest of smiles. But hey, at least its colourful right?
“I’ve sucked enough souls to make me more powerful than
anyone else.” To which arrives the witty retort, “You certainly suck more than
anyone else.” Hardly Whedon-esque now, is it? Zombie Contagion is a bad, bad
movie that should be avoided at all costs. AW
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