GUILTY PLEASURE: G.I. JOE: RETALIATION (DVD)

Boom. Joke. Boom. Boom. Joke. Boom. Joke. Palicki. Yeah, that’s right, folks: sometimes we just want to leave our intellect drowning in a pool of its own cerebrospinal fluid whilst we sit in our pants, stew in our faeces, and embrace the absurdity of a bunch of live action Hasbro figures blowing the crap out of each other. Wham! Palicki needs help with her groceries. In an instant, my life has changed. For the first time ever, my eyes are open. I’m going to have to watch the entire series of Friday Night Lights for a third time.

Dwayne Johnson stars in this action sequel (don’t worry, we didn’t see the first one either) based on the range of Hasbro action figures. This time around the G.I. Joe Team must fight to wrestle back control of the world from the Commander (Faran Tahir) and Cobra spy Zartan (Arnold Vosloo), now disguised as the President of the United States. Outnumbered and outgunned, the Joes must pull together a plan to expose the truth and stop Cobra from taking over the world before it’s too late.

Channing Tatum probably won’t, Bruce Willis will still be able to claim his Job Seekers Allowance, but those with the tiniest of crushes on Adrianne Palicki can finally put Wonder Woman and Red Dawn behind them. Lady Jaye kicks serious ass. In fact, this is all about ass-kicking and very little else. The Rock seldom disappoints these days, and along with Statham we have two action heroes to rival Stallone and Schwarzenegger in their heyday. 

Statham isn’t in it, he doesn’t even pop up at the end, but Retaliation doesn’t need him. Yes, it's utterly ridiculous, but with added humour, it boasts some frenzied set-pieces and some seriously toned flesh for boys and girls alike. Or you can watch The Paperboy, also out this month. Up to you. DW