REVIEW: SICK NURSES (DVD)

Sick. Nurses. Do I have your attention yet? We're talking about a Thai horror movie called Sick Nurses here, that’s got to be worth something, right? A film that is insanely exploitative and yet, for reasons that I can't explain, completely devoid of anything approaching sex, nudity and over exposed fleshy bits.

Beautiful girls? Yes. Entire scenes composed of toned bellies, ample cleavage and attractive body shots? Certainly. Girls in skimpy nurses outfits? Of course. Girls out of skimpy nurses outfits and wearing next to nothing? Indeed. What about sex and nudity? Not a sniff. Nadda. Uh-uh. That'll be a big fat no then. It's the kind of film where attractive young girls shower fully clothed. Really. So get your mind out of the gutter while I explain away the plot.

Dr. Tah (Vichaya Jarujonda) is quite possibly the luckiest surgeon alive. Not only does he work with seven stunning nurses on a daily basis, he also has a profitable side business supplying black market dealers with fresh human organs for transplant. Dr. Tah's staff of alluring, and yet never quite naked enough nurses, help him find his victims. Unfortunately, one of his aides, Tahwan (Chol Wajananont), is shocked to find that her sister Nook is on the doctor's list of upcoming cases, and threatens to turn him in to the police.

Dr. Tah and his sick young friends aren't exactly fans of that idea, as you might imagine, so they take matters in to their own hands and kill her instead. Hell hath no fury like a pretty nurse scorned, and before you know it, revenge is taking centre stage in a dish best served cold. Accompanied by a bitter, yet tantalising - if not tasteless - glass of the vintage red stuff. Sick Nurses was written and directed by Thospol Siriwiwat and Piraphan Laoyont, but enough about them, lets get back to the nurses...

Thai nurses, exploitative camerawork that lingers in all the right places, an inventive use of special effects that really does enhance the bloody set pieces throughout, and a special mention to the gruesome yet creative set pieces that litter the film throughout. I know, I'm reaching here. That's pretty much it you see, which is a shame because positive word of mouth suggested that I was in for a real treat tonight, positive word of mouth and the thought of Thai nurses cutting each other up.

I know, I’m almost as disturbed as the film in question, but the sad truth of the matter is that Sick Nurses fails to deliver in spectacular style. Unless you count the final scene of course, which not only imitates, but also rivals any WTF moment Takashi Miike has ever dreamt up. Oh, and the finished film comes in at just over seventy minutes, closing on a scene where all the girls are alive again and, um, frolicking in the sea in bathing costumes. It really is that kind of movie. If there were an Oscar for ‘Biggest Tease Of The Year', Sick Nurses would be running away with the golden statuette right about now.

At the end of the day though, Sick Nurses would have been mildly diverting had it followed up on its early promise of sex, nudity and horror. There's certainly no storyline to speak of, and the acting on display calls for a box of matches at the best of times. Sadly, the only thing in its favour is the gruesome splatter count and inventive use of special effects. There really are some creative touches to be found here, make no mistake about it, but whether or not they’re actually worth sticking around for is another question entirely. It might sound like enough of paper, but trust me, it really isn't.

Sick Nurses is a curious beast for sure, but there's precious little on offer beneath the bonnet of this lank haired horror vehicle. It comes on like an injection of Botox. It might sound uplifting at the time, but the end result is stiff, unappealing and paralyses the muscles at every turn. Not that muscle. Mind. Gutter. Remember? AW