Not to be confused with the shambolic James Corden offering,
Lesbian Vampire Killers, Lesbian Vampire Warriors actually started life as the
less enticing – but somewhat more accurate – Vampire Warriors. Only a fool (or
genius depending on your standpoint) would assume that by adding the word
‘lesbian’ you are likely to shift more copies. I mean, really, would I have fallen for that kind of cheap, dirty trick? No. I got a free copy.
Lesbians are all the rage it would seem, and the vampire
bubble hasn’t yet burst, so why not call your movie Lesbian Vampire Warriors?
It’s not like you need actual lesbians for the movie to sell (the word lesbian
is probably used once), for the most part they don’t even have real vampires. Just
vegetarian ones. They drink the blood of small animals. I’m resisting the urge
to use beaver here.
If you’re in it for the girl on girl action though, you’d
better put your fangs away. Lesbian Vampire Warriors has been rated ‘15’, which
means it’s about as erotic as a bad case of morning breath. Still, the cover
art would certainly suggest scantily clad demon hunters, and for the most part
this film delivers. Demon hunters, that is. An attractive female cast is on
standby, but Dennis Law’s kung fu epic is more than one saxophonist shy of late
night erotica. It’s a shame they couldn’t get one of the two Shannon’s to put
in an appearance. Lesbian Vampire Warriors is colourful, camp and inoffensive,
but it shares more in common with The Twins Effect than Mirror Images
II (one for Shannon Whirry completists there).
Vampire hunter Ar (Luxia Jiang) leads a simple life, slaying
the un-dead and spending quality time with a family of non-lethal ‘vegetarian’
vampires. Bored ‘vegetarian’ vampires who spend most of their time wishing they
were dead. Hobbies include throwing themselves off buildings and betting on the
length of time a human has left to live. They can’t feel (all they do
is exist), so it’s safe to say they don’t really want to be vampires anymore. A
mysterious and ruthless vampire called Mung (Wah Yuen) could be the answer to
their problems. Feasting on fellow vampires, he causes carnage by stealing
their powers. With the bodies piling up, it’s down to Ar to save the day, but
as Mung becomes more and more powerful, Ar realises that she might have to make
the ultimate sacrifice if she’s to save her bloodsucking friends.
With little plot, one laugh (the teenager who imitates the
leap of death) and tiresome dialogue, Lesbian Vampire Warriors fails to
register on the entertainment scale. The acting is poor, so it’s a good job the
girls have their looks to fall back on. The vampires are also saddled with
strange echo effects on their voices, which I thought I’d better warn you
about, before you spend ten minutes adjusting the sound settings on your TV.
It’s an unnecessary gimmick that fails to enhance the viewing experience, but
considering the quality of the product, it’s hardly surprising that such a
decision was made.
The storyline lacks substance, and the characters spend most
of their time whining about their ‘lives’, or complaining about being bored.
Note to characters, if you think you've got it bad, maybe you should spend some
time on the other side of the TV screen. The only saving grace is the action
choreography, which fails to break new ground, but still manages to impress
from time to time. Luxia Jiang acquits herself well enough, beating down
vampires with quick feet, style and grace. It’s fast paced, frantic and fun,
and it almost compensates for the film's unrelenting frailties. If you need
further proof, check out the scene where Max (Chrissie Chau) chows down on a
toy rabbit. The filmmakers don't even try to disguise the fact that Chau is
sucking the ‘blood’ from a soft toy, and that pretty much sums up the quality
of this uneventful movie.
If you’re looking for a satisfying night in, you’re better
off watching Gillian and Charlene duke it out over a giant teddy bear, because
Lesbian Vampire Warriors makes The Twins Effect look like a work of art. This
isn’t the first time Law has failed as a filmmaker, and with little to
recommend beyond a false advertising campaign, there’s a good chance it won't
be his last. File under 'lacks bite'. AW
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