If you haven’t heard of this movie, really, where have you
been? Frozen at the bottom of the ocean for millions of years no doubt. Mega
Shark vs. Giant Octopus took the Internet by storm. The trailer was a global
sensation and it even made an appearance on prime-time Saturday night TV.
Straight to video kingpin Lorenzo Lamas and 80s pop sensation (not to mention
my first crush) Deborah Gibson - she wants to be taken more seriously so she
drops the Debbie and stars in a movie called Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus -
take on the might of two prehistoric beasties on a mission to destroy the
world, and each other.
Debbie (sorry, Deborah) Gibson is marine biologist Emma
MacNeil, who witnesses a catastrophic collision with a rapidly melting glacier,
which in turn unleashes two enormous behemoths trapped in the ice for millions
of years. What follows is priceless. Not only do the two monsters bring down
aeroplanes, they also take out the golden gate bridge and threaten to take over
the world in badly rendered CGI fashion. The human cast are in hot pursuit,
providing hilarious support with cringe worthy dialogue worthy of a movie so
dumb. Quality filmmaking step aside, welcome to the wonderful world of Mega
Shark vs. Giant Octopus.
I’d been looking forward to this for quite a while, which
might sound like a strange thing to say, but anyone approaching this film
without a four pack or a bottle of wine is asking for trouble. Here’s a film
that demands to be seen in the company of drunken friends; only then will you
see the movie for the cinematic wonder that it truly is. The effects are
laughable, the concept is ridiculous, and the dialogue is beyond hilarity. The
cast, however, are clearly having as much fun as we are, but then, when you’re
delivering lines like, ‘He’s an equal opportunity eating machine’, and,
‘Christ, he’s coming faster than a jet’, it’s hardly surprising is it.
My personal favourites are ‘It rises!’, delivered with even
less intensity than Darth Vader’s lacklustre screams in Episode III, and,
‘We’re dealing with a menace’. Sorry. A what you say? A menace? Let’s make one
thing clear, Dennis was a menace. Two mythical beasts, defying the laws of
nature and threatening all of humanity in a vicious battle to certain death -
don't you think we should be taking them a little more seriously?
The actual confrontation between the two beasties is
something of a disappointment because the budget doesn’t allow for anything
approaching monster mayhem. Which is a shame, because the clips you’ve seen in
the trailer are pretty much all you’re going to see in the rest of the movie.
The real magic lies in the human casualties that offer startling support. The
four leads are clearly enjoying themselves, and make for extremely enjoyable
company. The love story that blossoms is so unbelievable it hurts, but we’re
talking about a movie in which Debbie (Deborah) Gibson plays a marine
biologist. Anything is possible.
I’ll leave you with my favourite line from the movie, when
our four heroes are discussing the possible effects of a monster face off:
‘Miles of ocean would be poisoned with fallout, the risk of damage and human casualties
are extremely high. Not to mention massive tidal waves...’ To which the general
response is, ‘I suggest we all get some rest’.
Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus doesn’t disappoint, unless of
course, you’re actually hoping for a quality night in, but I guess that’s where
the beer comes in. AW
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