Geisha Assassin is the debut feature from action
choreographer Go Ohara. Having worked on low budget hits Death Trance and
Chanbara Beauty, Go turns his attention to directorial duties and takes new
girl Minami Tsukui along for the ride. Minami stars as Kotomi Yamabe, a cute
but clinical assassin on a quest to avenge the death of her father. Along the
way she takes on a series of fighters, including crazed monks, lightning fast
ninjas and murderous demons. I think that pretty much covers the plot; lets get
down to business then.
There’s a good chance I could write this review on the
back of a matchbox. There’s very little storyline and even fewer positive
aspects. There’s nothing good to say about a film as cheap and cheerless as
this. Formerly known as Geisha vs. Ninja, it doesn’t take a genius to work out
why they changed the name for the U.K. release. The same thing happens when a
criminal leaves prison, or when a witness in a major investigation needs to disappear;
clearly the distributors of Geisha Assassin didn’t want us to track down the
original version in a hurry. Then again, maybe I’m being too harsh.
The plot amounts to little more than ‘would-be heroine
wanders through the forest and takes on a number of assassins, moving from one
soulless encounter to the next’. There is the occasional flashback but precious
little character development to speak of. It’s hard to bond with a character
that has no, um, character, but the flashbacks deliver a series of fight scenes
and nothing more, as Kotomi learns the art of swordplay from her father. His
death drives her forward on her quest, taking down numerous enemies until she
comes face to face with his killer, then they fight and the plot gathers pace.
Sorry, that’s pretty much where the plot ends as well; the villain of the piece
is given a chance to explain himself and we move on to the next encounter.
Geisha Assassin is about as tiresome as they come. Repetitive swordfights are all well and good if they’re delivered with style
and grace, but the direction here is mind numbing. It’s not big, it’s not
clever, it’s the martial arts equivalent of buying a high powered motorcycle
and riding it around the garden. Fun for about five minutes but ultimately
pointless. Go Ohara can direct action sequences in his sleep, but the other
films he worked on had more depth. The fight choreography is fine for what it
is, but it never threatens to escape the confines of low budget filmmaking.
Minami Tsukui acquits herself well enough with a glimmering blade but she’s not
asked to test herself on any other playing field.
I could have made a film like this in my garden, selling the bike for a camera and filming my neighbours fighting over the last
burger on a barbeque. The fact remains that Geisha Assassin – or whatever they
want to call it – lacks the killer thrust of its contemporaries. One to avoid
then. You’ll be better off seeking out Robo-geisha instead. Now there’s a film
that can’t fail to entertain. AW
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