REVIEW: BLUBBERELLA (DVD)

German director, producer and screenwriter, Uwe Boll, whose work includes many movies adapted from video games, explains how he is able to finance his own films through his Boll KG production company on the DVD commentary of Alone in the Dark (2005): "I have a tax shelter fund in Germany, and if you invest in a movie in Germany you get basically fifty percent back from the government." Another reason why he may self-finance is because he's one of the worst directors of all time - can Blubberella change all that?

It's 1940 and the German army is slaughtering thousands. A motley group of Resistance Fighters, led by Nathaniel and Vadge, struggle against the Nazi scourge. The German army, headed by the Commandant, threatens to eradicate the Resistance, but coming to the rescue is Blubberella.

Half vampire, half woman, she loves nothing better than killing Nazis. After an unseemly exchange of bodily fluids, the Commandant becomes infected by the funny fubsy and, unknown to her, begins his transformation into a powerful day-walking vampire. Now Blubberella faces her greatest foe since WeightWatchers...

(To read more of the review click on either image)

CINEMA REVIEW: HAIR (Saç)

In the wrong hands, the tale of a wigmaker dying of cancer could be ludicrous and deeply offensive. Written and directed by Turkish director Tayfun Pirselimoglu, Hair appears anything but. Having just walked away with awards for Best Turkish Film and Director at the 2011 Istanbul Film Festival, the third part of his recent trilogy - following Riza and Haze - promises much for such a dispiriting premise...

Hamdi (Ayberk Pekcan) is a wigmaker with his own shop in a busy part of Istanbul. Reluctant to battle the cancer he has been diagnosed with, he prefers to people-watch whilst puffing on a cigarette and dreaming of escaping to Brazil.

An encounter with Merhem, who wishes to sell her long and beautiful hair, gives him a new reason to live. When she resists his charms, he takes to following her and then her husband, an undertaker with little interest in his wife anymore.

It isn't long before their lives become intertwined, and all three individuals soon realise that there is a price to pay for the happiness they each yearn for...

(To read the full review click on either image)

HORROR CLASSIC? THE TRUTH ABOUT DEMONS (2000)

“Harry Ballard (Karl Urban), a brilliant Anthropologist, happens to discover the core of evil, and is immediately marked for destruction by the demon cult that uses its power. When he meets a gorgeous young woman (Katie Wolf) who has recently escaped from being a member of the cult, he gains the resources - and the love - required to fight against them. Doesn’t mean he’ll live to tell the tale though.

Urban and Wolf are the only two that have some kind of acting ability, and there’s some nice chemistry too, but for those put off by Ballard’s friend Johnny’s cringe-worthy opening performance (Tony MacIver), fear not – he’s not around for long. And Ballard’s partner doesn’t hang around either, crucified in spectacular fashion. Shame Jonathon Hendry's camp Le Valliant outstays his welcome.

Although the CGI effects are laughably poor there are some half-decent demons lurking in the shadows, and plenty of gore to satisfy hungry hounds. The final reveal is a disaster, ruining most of the good that came before it, which is as disappointing as the decision to change the film's original title. You see, the irrefutable truth is that Glenn Standring's movie deserved to be, and could’ve been, so much better.”                                                                             DW

SWEET TORMENT: BLUE VALENTINE (DVD)

“The girlfriend’s review would go something like this: a depressing story about love that jumps all over the place, making little sense, with piss-poor continuity and the most miserable ending ever told. Probably. But I never made it that far because I need to buy a decent DVD player that doesn’t turn a 100-minute film into an epic by refusing to play the damn thing. Tip: you'll know when the timeline jumps about a bit by the clothes they wear.

Meanwhile, Blue Valentine, a love story overflowing with romantic memories of the courtship between Dean and Cindy, told in past and present as they recall the episodes that brought them together, is one of the most realistic and therefore most depressing films of its genre. It’s also a pretty good reality check for all. Survive this movie together and you’ve made a good choice. Possibly.

Oscar-nominated Michelle Williams (Shutter Island, Brokeback Mountain) and Ryan Gosling (The Notebook, Half Nelson) deliver outstanding performances in an unforgettable portrait of a couple who fall in then out of love. Be warned, there’s no kissing in the rain, and fans of The Notebook (2004) should probably steer clear. Gosling won’t be building you a house this time round, but director Derek Cianfrance has assembled a powerful film, and although hard to watch, it’s also hard to ignore.”                                              DW

REVIEW: GRINDHOUSE TRAILER CLASSICS VOLUME 3 (DVD)

Film: Grindhouse Trailer Classics Volume 3
UK Release date: 5th December 2011
Certificate: 18
Year: 2011
Running time: 100 mins
Reviewer: Adam Wing

Looking for something a little bit different to sink your teeth into? Following on from the critically-acclaimed release of Grindhouse Trailer Classics 1 & 2, Nucleus Films are set to take you on another two hour trip back to the “gory days” of cult and exploitation cinema, with their latest unseen compilation of audacious theatrical trailers from the sleazy cinematic sub-genre known as “grindhouse”. Over 50 trailers are included, not to mention a short interview with movie encyclopaedia Kim Newman, who takes us on a trip down memory lane with his tales of growing up around grindhouse.

Talk about covering all bases. Volume 3 crams in the usual assortment of horror movies, revenge thrillers, exploitation pics and action chicks; it’s enough to make your head spin. A female Tarzan, Pam Grier in chains and canine bank robbers, yours for the taking on this twisted trip back to the glory days of the sleazy 60s and 70s. There are 55 trailers in all, including the likes of Black Mama, White Mama, starring Tarantino favourite and Blaxploitation superwoman Pam Grier. Special praise goes to The Doberman Gang, a hilarious high concept robbery flick with a twist in the ta(il) that borders on insanity. Then there’s Nazi Love Camp 27, which is probably a really disappointing movie in its entirety, but the trailer is a work of unrivalled genius, proving beyond the shadow of a doubt that these guys know how to sell movies.

Action movies take centre stage on this one, with films like Deadly China Doll, Superchick and Police Women giving their female stars the chance to kick some serious ass, usually wearing little more than a pair of denim shorts. Horror movies aren’t overlooked either, with Don't Open the Door, Schizoid, Touch of Satan, It Came Without Warning and Night Evelyn Came out of the Grave providing chills, thrills, overacting and plenty of risible dialogue. Not from the actors, that’s just the voice over guys. The best way to view Grindhouse Trailer Classics - Volume 3 is with a few cans of beer and some likeminded friends. If only to witness some of the most heroic voice over work ever committed to film. It’s overkill of the highest order, but it makes for compulsive viewing all the same.

If you’re in it for the flesh then they’ve got you covered as well. Sexploitation comes thick and fast with Terminal Island, Superchick & The Female Bunch. There’s more than enough titillation to float your boat, including an obvious passion for all things European. I say European, I mean Swedish. Check out the trailers for Swedish Fly Girls, Swedish Wife Exchange Club and Sweden, Heaven and Hell. Whatever your taste, Volume 3 has it covered, and it makes for a highly enjoyable one-night stand that won’t set you back. There are a lot of hidden gems lurking in the vaults at Nucleus Films, and this is the best way to reawaken your lust for all things grindhouse.

Highlights for me include the trailer for The Doberman Gang, which is more entertaining than the majority of high-concept heist thrillers made today. The film title ‘The Rats are coming! The Werewolves are here!’ pretty much says it all really. Startling voice over work on The Telephone Book trailer, which goes with the line “The story of a girl who falls in love with the world’s greatest obscene phone call”… I mean really, what’s that you say? Two horror trailers that demand your full attention are Shriek of the Mutilated, which takes on the myth of the abominable snowman and wins you over with some unconvincing effects and cheap as chips costumes. Then there’s Tourist Trap, a teen horror movie that’s keen to remind us that tourists go missing all the time. It deserves recognition however for being freaky, unforgettable trash of the highest order, and don’t get me started on the dolls.

Whether you’re looking for a laugh, drowning in a sea of nostalgia or hoping to add to your DVD collection, Grindhouse Trailer Classics - Volume 3 is worth a look. Kim Newman is on hand to provide a colourful commentary, but it’s the shocking, sexy, deranged and demented that will keep you hooked. All 55 of them.

ONE TO WATCH: SHIVER (DVD)

“From the producers of Pan’s Labyrinth and The Orphanage comes Shiver, a surprisingly effective 2008 shocker from Spain. Santi (Junio Valverde) is a teenager who suffers from photophobia, a severe aversion to sunlight that disfigures the skin. He and his mother (Mar Sodupe) shun the big city in favour of darker climates, heading to the hills in order to save him.

They move to a remote village in the mountains, where their arrival causes suspicion when animals and people are found brutally murdered. As you might expect, suspicion falls on them immediately. But in the darkness of the forest something is hiding, and its not just their secrets that won’t stay hidden, there’s something else lurking in the shadows and it’s coming for Santi.

Despite an over familiar set up and a convoluted finale, Isidro Ortiz has delivered a taught and terrifying thriller that’s sure to get under your skin. Any suggestion of vampirism is left unexplored for the most part, especially when the true nature of the beast finally comes to light, but any such neglect can’t be levelled at the creepy second act that brings with it bloodshed, brutality and bite.

Ortiz cranks up the tension with considerable ease, presenting a series of shocks that are sure to test the nerves. The script twists and turns in the final act, but it’s nothing we haven’t seen before, and the big reveal will be obvious to anyone with knowledge of the genre. The boys illness has little baring on the outcome of the movie, which seems like a missed opportunity when all’s said and done, but Shiver walks a leaner, meaner path that goes for the jugular.

Sharing similarities with The Ordeal, The Woman and even Twilight, Shiver is a surprising little Spanish shocker that’s sure to get under your skin. It’s not quite up there with Pan’s Labyrinth and The Orphanage, very few films are, but for solid thrills and spills you could do far worse.”                                                                                       AW

GOOD NIGHT IN: RETREAT (DVD)

“Somebody needs shooting. And it's not Jamie Bell. When Kate (Thandie Newton) and Martin (Cillian Murphy) escape from personal tragedy to an island retreat cut off from the outside world, their attempts to recover are shattered when a stranger (Bell) is washed ashore, bringing with him some devastating news: Airborne disease. Incurable. Everyone screwed.

Ignoring the slightly ridiculous musical score during the finale, Retreat is rather good. Great location, decent conflict, excellent cast. Sadly, halfway through, Martin hands over one of two guns all too happily and the story loses most of its authenticity. Director Carl Tibbetts keeps going regardless, and if you allow yourself to overcome such an ailment, you’ll be resuscitated by a very good thriller, twisting and turning just enough to keep you guessing until the very end.”      DW

REVIEW: UNDERWATER LOVE - A PINK MUSICAL (DVD)

Film: Underwater Love - A Pink Musical
UK Release date: 21st November 2011
UK Distributor: Third Window Films
Year: 2011
Director: Shinji Imaoka
Starring: Matsuo Yoshioka, Sawa Masaki, Fumio Moriya, Hiroshi Sato
Running time: 87 mins
Genre: Fantasy/Erotic
Country: Japan
Reviewer: Adam Wing

Just when you thought the Japanese film industry had run out of ideas, along comes Shinji Imaoka’s Underwater Love, a soft porn symphony complete with jaunty tunes, naked flesh and whimsical flights of fancy. If that’s not strange enough, what do you say to a quirky account of love between a woman and a sea creature? Directed by the pink-film veteran behind tasty treats like Lunch Box and Frog Song, shot by famed cinematographer Christopher Doyle (Hero, In the Mood for Love), with original music by German duo Stereo Total, Underwater Love is a musical stampede of the likes you have never seen before. With added fleshy bits.

Asuka (Sawa Masaki) works in a lakeside fish factory and life seems to be going swimmingly. In fact, she’s just about to marry her doting boss (Mutsuo Yoshioka). One day, she encounters a Kappa, a water creature that lives in the nearby lake. In Japanese folklore the Kappa is a mischievous creature known for playful pranks, though they’re not averse to drowning animals, kidnapping children and raping women too. Thankfully though, this isn’t the latest headfuck from Takashi Miike; it’s a light-hearted romance with bouncy show tunes and dance routines. Imaoka’s Kappa is less likely to kill you, and more likely to challenge you to a wrestling match. They also have a deep-rooted love for cucumbers, with many believing that the green cylindrical fruit tastes better than a human child - glad we cleared that up then. Underwater Love swims to UK shores this month courtesy of Third Window Films, and if you get in quick you’ll also receive a copy of the Stereo Total soundtrack CD.

This particular Kappa (Yoshiro Umezawa) claims to be Aoki, the reincarnation of Asuka’s first love. Aoki drowned as a child and has come back as a sea creature with scaly skin and reptilian features. He swims like a fish and dances like Prince. Maybe that should read ‘a tin of Princes tuna’, the dancing is infectious but it’s hardly Riverdance. Asuka takes him home and keeps him in a bathtub, much to the annoyance of fiancé Hajime who delivers an ultimatum, either the Kappa goes or the wedding's off. Events take an unlikely turn - hardly surprising really - when Aoki discovers from a zany friend that Asuka has one day left to live. Aoki sets out to save his first love, pausing momentarily for some casual sex (Kappa’s are quite the catch it would seem) and a toe-tapping cluster of catchy pop tunes. Think Glee with fins - that kind of thing.

It’s hardly surprising that Underwater Love’s biggest selling point is its cinematography. Christopher Doyle has worked with the likes of Zhang Yuan, Stanley Kwan and most notably Wong Kar-wai (Days of Being Wild, 2046). He brings a dreamlike quality to the visuals, spectacularly calming and enchanting at times. It’s a low budget affair as one might expect, but with Doyle’s input Underwater Love is probably the best looking pink film you will ever see. It’s aided by a funky, unforgettable soundtrack by Berlin based duo Stereo Total, who have made an art form out of blending punk rock, disco and electro beats. When combined they make for an irresistible combination, backed up by some of the daftest and most adorable dance routines ever committed to film. It’s wacky, it’s ridiculous and it’s very infectious - a captivating oddity from start to finish.

In her first theatrical feature film performance, Sawa Masaki (Reincarnation) remains a breath of fresh air throughout. Her performance is warming, sympathetic and captivating from start to finish, and her comedy timing is impeccable. No matter how bizarre or how outlandish the premise gets, Asuka remains a believable heroine. It’s not particularly original, unless you include the dance steps, but fans of modern Japanese drama will know what to expect from her offbeat sensibilities. Yoshiro Umezawa is a little less convincing perhaps, but you can blame that on the prosthetic beak and rubber hands, he makes for a totally original love interest none the less. The rest of the cast members are on hand to act insane, dance erratically and get their clothes off. Not necessarily in that order it has to be said. So if the thought of a giant turtle-like creature having sex with a human being doesn’t float your boat, you’ll do well to look away now. If you like interspecies loving but can’t stand toe-tapping dance routines, you might as well join them at the table of conformity.

Underwater Love is unlikely to win over a legion of new fans, but if you’re curious to know what an all singing, all dancing, low budget musical porno looks like, you’ve come to the right place. With lush cinematography, zany performances and wacky musical outbursts aplenty, Shinji Imaoka has delivered a fun-packed, show-stopping break from convention. Upon reflection, the turtle fellatio was a little too much, but at least they didn’t break into song halfway through. That would’ve totally ruined the mood. Underwater Love is quite possibly the best low budget soft porn Japanese musical ever made, and you can quote me on that. 

ONE TO WATCH: THE WOMAN (DVD)

“Women are the snares of Satan. Women are the devil’s nets. Woeful is the household that wants a woman. If only lawyer and proud family man Chris Cleek, played by Sean Bridgers (True Blood, Deadwood) had listened to any of these proverbs before he stumbled upon a wild, feral woman (Pollyanna McIntosh of Exam and Burke and Hare fame) bathing in a woodland stream near his isolated country home. Perhaps he wouldn’t have made a decision that would dramatically change both their lives. But then, he's more of an animal than she is.

So he captures her, chains her up in the fruit cellar below his house, intending to tame and civilize her, encouraging his oddball family to help him in his quest. Not a good idea when you have a son who’s just hit puberty, a daughter you hit on and a wife you just hit. Clearly, the task at hand is more difficult than first imagined, so Chris sets in motion a collision course for a brutal showdown between his family and the wild female force of nature. One of the darkest movies of the year, but also one of the best, The Woman is brutal from the outset, with some astonishing performances and a final act that pushes the boundaries and all the right buttons.”                       DW

HORROR CLASSIC? HAXAN (1921)

“Variety described it as “wonderful” before declaring it “absolutely unfit for public exhibition”, so for those that didn’t know, since its premiere in 1922, Benjamin Christensen's Haxan – an exploration of the role of superstition in medieval minds - has caused outrage and protest from both the general public and religious groups. Haxan takes no prisoners, dramatizing satanic activities and rituals including the ways in which suspected witches were tortured and killed, but for that alone it shouldn’t be regarded as a masterpiece.

Apparently, not until its re-release in 1941 did the Danish director earn belated fame and respect - proof that this genre-defying "documentary" was way ahead of its time. In 1968, the film won further praise and a whole new audience when it was re-released with a William Burroughs narration, under the title "Witchcraft Through The Ages". If you can ignore the plodding opening ‘slide-show’ chapter that will result in some viewers being turned off before turning off, and relish instead the rest of this superbly sinister silent movie, you’ll be rewarded with outstanding creepy visuals that are an artistic triumph and some satisfying shocks - a fascinating watch.” DW  

REVIEW: ICE (DVD)

Film: Ice
UK Release date: 7th November 2011
Year: 2007
Certificate: 15
Director: Makoto Kobavashi
Starring: Junko Minigawa, Kurumi Mamiva, Yuko Ohshima
Running time: 103 mins
Country: Japan
Reviewer: Adam Wing

What would happen in a world without men? I’m sure every woman on the planet would like to answer that one for us but the fact of the matter is, without men the human race would cease to exist. There would I suppose, be a lot more shoe shops and a lot less war to contend with. Countries would no longer fight; they’d just bitch behind each other’s backs, get jealous and not talk for weeks on end. Ice tells the story of a coming Apocalypse, where a drastic change in the environment causes every male on earth to die out by 2012… that’s next year! Shouldn’t there be some kind of warning first? I’ve not had a chance to set my Sky + box yet.

No more Match of the Day, no more comedy, no more D.I.Y. and a lot less sex. Actually, come to think of it, not that much less sex. Depends on whether you’re married or not. A world without men is a scary thought, but there is a silver lining for those in need of hope. In this ‘brave new world’ most of the remaining women have perished amidst battle in a third world war. So it would seem I was wrong, there was another great war after all, must’ve been one hell of a catfight. 20,000 survivors have gathered in the Shinjuku area, which has since become an ocean of trees. They still don’t get along of course, that would be a ludicrous notion. What they’ve actually done is split into two warring factions, giving themselves silly names like Team Jacob and Team Edward in the process. I can’t actually back that up. A world without men, I mean really...

Team Jacob has accepted its fate to perish, with patrons deciding to give their lives to pleasure. Team Edward on the other hand has bigger plans; its members are striving to save the future of earth through the power of science. It’s the beginning of an intense battle between two rival forces over ‘ICE’, said to be the last hope for the future of mankind. Expect action spectacle, lots of hair pulling and the occasional lesbian three-way. Once again, I can’t actually back that up. From the producer of Perfect Blue and The Wings of Honneamise, the designer of Mobile Suit Gundam ZZ and the writer of Ninja Scroll and Vampire Hunter D, Ice is a 2008 sci-fi adventure featuring the voices and music of Japanese pop sensation AKB4B, and it arrives on UK shores this month courtesy of Cine Du Monde.

Whether or not Ice was envisaged as a promotional tool for AKB4B remains to be seen, and quite frankly, who actually cares? All we really need to know is how good it is, and from that perspective, Makoto Kobayashi’s Ice is something of a mixed bag. The animation is hardly breath-taking but it does bring with it a unique colour scheme that makes the most of emerald greens, ruby reds and Apocalyptic grey. Futuristic robots, space cruisers and gigantic lasers are to be expected in this kind of film, but you also get a welcome nod to the silent movie era in the films denouement, a nice touch if ever there was one. It's a shame, then, that the majority of the film doesn’t live up to the pedigree of its makers. The films message is not as striking as the subject matter would have us believe, the plot is confusing at times, and the action sequences are few and far between. Intriguing concepts are one thing, plodding sci-fi movies are another.

Plot holes, inconsistencies and contrivances stack up, overpowering narrative flow and stomping all over irregular bouts of pulsating action. It’s a bit of a mess to be honest, and one that I struggled to get my head around, let alone remain interested in. There’s violence and bloodshed to be found, but disengaging characters and convoluted plotting will test your patience long before any fun is had at the expense of the all-female cast. Unlike its spellbinding forefathers, Ice is not a chip off the old block. So unless you’re an anime enthusiast, there’s a good chance it will leave you cold. Looks like I'll be returning to my Sky + box for now then.

REVIEW: CITY UNDER SIEGE (DVD)

Film: City Under Siege

UK Release date: 7th November 2011
Year: 2010
Certificate: 15

Director: Benny Chan

Starring: Collin Chou, Aaron Kwok, Chrissie Chow
Running time: 107 mins

Genre: Action/Sci-fi

Country: Hong Kong

Reviewer: Adam Wing

There are good films, there are bad films, and then there are films so bad they’re good. I’m not quite sure why I mention this, because make no mistake about it, City Under Siege is a really bad movie. Occasionally, and I’m being really positive on this one, Benny Chan’s latest touches on greatness, but that’s only because the rest of the film is so ill-conceived and hopelessly dire, it’s easy to get caught up in the crassness of it all.

Hong Kong director Benny Chan’s (Connected) sci-fi action film pits a naïve circus performer against his dangerous colleagues after being contaminated by a biochemical that gives them superhuman powers. Aaron Kwok leads a superpower cast that also includes Shu Qi, Wu Jing (SPL), Zhang Jing Chu (Aftershock), and Colin Chou (Flash Point). City Under Siege features explosive action choreography by Nicky Lee (Invisible Target) and Ma Yuk Sing (Storm Warriors), and did I mention the fact that Shu Qi is the leading lady, I don’t care how bad this movie is, consider me contented.

Sunny (Aaron Kwok) is a naïve, not to mention highly strung, circus performer who dreams of inheriting his father's knife-throwing skills. He’s also very annoying. However, his hostile colleagues continue to bully him, relegating him to lowly clown status - lowly, annoying clown status it has to be said. On a tour to Malaysia, Cheung (Colin Chou) and some of the other performers discover a cave occupied by the Japanese army during World War II.

Instead of finding treasure, the performers are sprayed with a mysterious chemical that turns them into superhuman mutants – complete with terrible make up effects that make early episodes of Doctor Who look like factual evidence. Back in Hong Kong, Cheung and his gang wreak havoc on the city by pulling off a series of daring bank robberies; they also throw lots of knives and stuff, in poorly rendered CGI slo-mo I might add.

With the city controlled by fear, Sunny becomes the city's latest crime fighting hero with the help of Shu Qi’s opportunistic reporter Angel (now we’re talking), not to mention two supernatural phenomenon experts from Mainland China (Wu Jing and Zhang Jung Chu). If you’re looking for positive factors to emerge from this review, Shu QI, Wu Jing and Zhang Jung Chu deserve much better – the rest of the cast and crew do not.

Basically, City Under Siege is a complete mess of a movie. The lead character is prone to childlike emotional outbursts, and Aaron Kwok’s performance is undeniably awful. I wish the guy would work out what kind of actor he is, because on this evidence, standout performances in Murderer and The Detective feel like a long time ago. Much of the blame lands at the feet of Chan of course; it always mystifies me when a top-flight filmmaker fails to see just how bad his creation actually is. Presumably he didn’t shoot the entire movie in the dark, and at some point he must’ve watched back some of Kwok’s cringe worthy delivery. Tone, self control and charm, if they aren’t on Kwok’s Christmas wish list this year I’ll eat my Brussels sprouts.

The storyline is poorly developed, and the emotional subplots are laughable and unconvincing. Honestly, two parts action monstrosity, one part romance, it’s the most unconvincing love story of the year – and I’ve seen all three Twilight movies. Well, two of them at least. Which one is it with the topless action figures and the ropey CGI? You know the one, Kristen Stewart mopes around all day looking like she just signed on for part four. That one. Ridiculously unconvincing and drained of emotion, which brings us neatly back to Benny Chan’s latest assault on the senseless.

It’s a good half hour before Shu Qi turns up, and boy does she belong in a different movie. I’m not denying the fact that she’s made some pretty bad career choices over the years, but City Under Siege has got to be up there with The Wesley’s Mysterious File. Her character is one-dimensional for sure, but she does make for arresting imagery, and that smile could melt a thousand latex faces. The same can be said for Wu Jing, who’s a standout performer in everything he does. Even a film as bad as this one, even a film in which he’s asked to cry, unconvincingly it has to be said. That’s the word of the day with City Under Siege though; ‘unconvincing’ never got a better write up. Even the kung-fu spectacles take a beating, relying far too heavily on wire assisted anarchy and a reckless disregard for gravity.

I was a massive fan of Benny Chan’s Connected, but his skills behind the camera are pretty much unrecognisable here. He can just about handle an action sequence, but any attempts at emotional depth are laughable. That said, I’m putting most of the blame on Kwok. His inability to ‘reign it in’ brings new meaning to the word embarrassment. When you hit the ‘pause’ button every time another person enters the room, you know you’re on a slippery slope. Aaron Kwok I salute you, you and all your ill-conceived dagger throwing antics.

If it’s crappy make-up effects, evil circus performers, grown men crying unconvincingly and an overacting Aaron Kwok you’re after, City Under Siege is going to rock your world. If it’s quality filmmaking you’re craving, Benny Chan’s latest probably isn’t the best way to see the New Year in. The new year or any other year for that matter.

HORROR CLASSIC: LONG WEEKEND (1978)

"The mother of mischief is no bigger than a midge's wing. Or, to put it another way, it's mainly trivial causes that create many quarrels between humans. But not Mother Nature. She finds nothing trivial. So when a suburban couple go camping for the weekend at a remote beach, they discover that nature isn't in an accommodating mood. But then, neither are Peter and Marcia, who prove the opening proverb to be true. Every. Two. Minutes.

Why they're still together is a mystery. She had an abortion, he cheated on her. Both are fairly unlikeable, although at least Peter (John Hargreaves) has some skills. He can wire a plug, read a map, pitch a tent and bleed a radiator. Marcia, however, played by Briony Behets, needs a slap. He'll fix a car tyre, she'll moan how cold it is. He'll start a fire, she'll moan how bored she is. You even start to feel sorry for the guy, but then he chops down a tree, runs over a kangaroo, shoots a giant fish and flicks his fag ends all over the place. Marcia, meanwhile, is flicking her bean. For once she isn't moaning. It's more of a heavy sigh.

Colin Eggleston's Long Weekend is a marvelous achievement. With a chilling soundtrack and shocking symbolism, the tension builds cleverly until its, although predictable, extremely satisfying conclusion. The characters are refreshingly flawed, the conflict engrossing, and while the horrors are mostly left off-screen, it still manages to unsettle and thrill in equal measure - I'll never use insecticide again."                                                                DW

REVIEW: RARE EXPORTS - A CHRISTMAS TALE (DVD)

Film: Rare Exports - A Christmas Tale
UK Release date: 7th November 2011
Certificate: 15
Director: Jalmari Helander
Starring: Tommi Korpela, Per Christian Ellefsen, Jorna Tommila, Jonathan Hutchings, Peeter Jakobi
Running time: 83 mins
Genre: Horror
Country: Finland
Reviewer: Adam Wing

Typical really. You wait for one Christmas movie to fall down your chimney and low and behold, two festive fright-mares land in your sack at the same time. Dutch horror Sint may have took the traditional slasher route to all things joyful, but it’s Finnish entry Rare Exports that reigns triumphant. Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale is a 2010 fantasy film directed by Jalmari Helander, which focuses on a small group of people that live near the Korvatunturi mountain. It’s here that they stumble upon an incredible treasure hidden deep beneath the surface, a discovery that might just reveal the secret of Santa Claus. Rare Exports - A Christmas Tale is available for the first time this month on UK shores.

It follows a group of local reindeer herders who’s Christmas is disturbed by excavations on the mountain. A scientist is digging "the largest burial mound in the world" hoping to uncover a sacred grave buried deep inside a massive block of ice. It helps if the occupant is dead of course, but the resident of this tomb is still very much alive. Strange events start to take place, not only are the reindeer killed in mysterious fashion, but household appliances start to vanish as well. Then there’s the small matter of children disappearing all over town. Helander’s Santa doesn’t have a little round belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly, but he’s fuelled by a hatred of bad little girls and boys. They don’t just miss out on a present in Rare Exports; if they’re not careful they miss out on the rest of their lives too.

It would be naive of me to label Rare Exports a genre movie, because by weaving his magic through the eyes of a boy, Helander has created a whimsical childhood fantasy with subtle horror undertones. There is a tale of terror at its core, but it’s told in such a way that the horror elements don’t feel forced. Rare Exports has a dreamlike quality running through its veins, aided by a picturesque landscape and an innocence that might be lost on today’s bloodthirsty horror audience. Helander proves himself to be an expert storyteller, making the most of every scene and crafting a story so well told that my only criticism is - rather inevitably - all good things have to come to an end. The less you know about the film the better, because Rare Exports is - pardon the expression - the rarest of finds, a truly unique cinematic experience from start to finish.

Helander’s vision is clear from the start; he knows exactly where he’s going and never strays off course. The setup, the twists, the offbeat ending, they come together perfectly. Rare Exports is a prequel of sorts to two short films made in 2003 and 2005. The original 7-minute movie, ‘Rare Exports Inc.’, comes on like a quirky documentary program while it’s follow up, ‘Rare Exports - The Official Safety Instructions’, does exactly what it says on the tin. Both are definitely worth a look, if only to recognise the surviving cast members.

Speaking of which, if you’re going to tell a story through the eyes of a whippersnapper you could do without annoying child actors pilfering the party. Onni Tommila is a fantastic young performer who captivates and convinces at every turn. Playing the part of Pietari, it’s his very touching relationship with his father that keeps the film anchored in reality. Even when the plot takes flight, both literally and figuratively, the quality lead turns are on hand to keep your feet firmly on the ground. Not least from the man that Pietari believes to be Santa Claus. Peeter Jakobi proves once and for all that great acting demands more than just delivering lines on cue. He says everything he needs to say with an icy glare and a twitchy nose, and he’s all the more intimidating for it. It’s a terrifying performance from start to finish, both fleeting and ferocious, but one that should keep you from breaking out the festive cheer.

He’s so good in fact; it’s easy to forgive the filmmakers for the ‘big reveal’ that never quite materialises. It’s slightly disappointing at first, especially when you take into account the original concept of the movie, but the final moments are in keeping with the overall tone and upon reflection, add a level of mystery that should bear fruit with repeat viewing. At its heart Rare Exports is a coming of age story, a fantastical voyage that surprises at every turn. It’s a heart-warming tale that bleeds originality from every pore. You’ll just have to ignore the misinterpretation of ‘sleigh ride’, slay and sleigh; it’s an easy mistake to make.

Dark and disturbing, original and heart-warming, Rare Exports is an undiscovered gem waiting to be found. Not only is it one of the best films of the year, it’s one of the greatest Christmas tales ever told. Now what are the chances of a sequel?

REVIEW: SAINT (DVD)

You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, but do you want to know why? It's not because Saint Nicholas is revered among Christians, with tales of his kindness creating the mythical Santa Claus, whose arrival excites children as soon as retailers start stocking their shelves with Advent calendars in June. It's much worse than that. Modelled on the Dutch name Sinterklass, it's only fair that a film from Holland spills the beans on what 'the miracle creator' was really like - a murderous bishop who slaughters children whenever there is a full moon on 5th December. Make sure you're not on his list...

5th December 1492. Bishop Niklas is burned alive by villagers who refuse to put up with his gang's looting and killing any longer. Fast forward to present day: Amsterdam, a full moon, and student Frank prepares to celebrate with his friends, dressed up as The Saint and his mischievous helpers, the Black Petes.

Goert, a policeman who suffered at the hands of Niklas when he was a child, is convinced this year's festivities will turn into a bloodbath, and recommends forbidding all Sinterklaas activities and increasing surveillance. He's sent on leave for his troubles.

But as Goert predicted, the gang returns, and they don't care much for carols. Bags filled with presents are now bags filled with bodies, gifts tucked inside the footwear of good children will never be played with, their shoes never to be worn again. Can Goert convince Frank to help him slay the vengeful Saint once and for all?

(Click on either image to read the full review)