SECOND OPINION: ATROCIOUS (DVD)

Film: Atrocious
UK Release date: Out now
Year: 2010
Certificate: 18
Director: Fernando Barreda Luna
Starring: Christian Valencia, Clara Moraleda, Sergi Martin, Chus Pereiro, Xavi Dos
Running time: 70 mins
Genre: Horror
Country: Mexico/Spain
Reviewer: Adam Wing

Not only does the line “The mind is like a labyrinth, in which anyone can get lost” open Fernando Barreda Luna’s shaky-cam horror, it pretty much describes the entire plot of the movie. It would be too easy to rip a film called Atrocious to pieces, Luna has kind of opened himself up to attack on this one, but I’m happy to report that his Spanish thriller debut - a cross between The Blair Witch Project and Silent House - doesn’t quite live up to (or should that be down to) it’s critic baiting title.

The Quintanilla family travel to their old farmhouse in Sitges, where Christian (Christian Valencia) and July (Clara Moraleda), two bored siblings, investigate the Legend of the Girl in the Garraf woods, using video cameras to record their findings – because it wouldn’t be a shaky-cam horror without them. Five days later, on 4th April 2010, the children are found murdered in their rural home. Police report the existence of 37 hours of recorded evidence, which has been edited together into the footage we are about to be shown.

So the plot is perhaps a little too familiar, sending Christian and July on a tour of the labyrinth that surrounds their home, armed with two video cameras, lots of batteries, and very little common sense. The legend states that if you are lost and alone at night, she will appear and show you the way. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a pretty good deal to me. Especially if you get lost inside this particular labyrinth, obligatory eeriness boosted by creepy wells and rusty cages. Luna throws a small dog into the mix, customary it would seem in the age of Paranormal Activity, and a younger brother who barely gets a look in. From here on in it’s business as usual.

The set up is not only obvious, but kind of laborious too. If you’re already familiar with this particular sub-genre of filmmaking, you’ll know what to expect from the get-go. Luna doesn’t really help himself, Atrocious takes an age to get going and the first act moves slower than Miss Daisy’s chauffeur. There’s very little tension to be drawn from the familiarity of it all, and the biggest crime of all is that Luna doesn’t even try. I would expect a few cheap jump cuts in a film like this, some booming bass lines at the very least, but Atrocious goes nowhere for the first forty five minutes, focusing on a pair of dreary teens who should’ve stayed at home and read Hansel and Gretel instead.

An early scene involving a barking dog provokes signs of promise, but it’s not until late in the second act that Luna raises his game. And so he should, any director adopting the first person perspective has an easy ride when it comes to cranking up the tension. There’s something about the protagonists (and the viewers) restricted line of sight that brings about a sense of anxiety. You never quite know what’s lurking in the shadows, and even the laziest of filmmakers can achieve the required effect without making much effort – especially if he introduces the dreaded ‘night vision’ tool. This probably won’t come as much of a surprise to you, but Fernando Barreda Luna introduces the dreaded ‘night vision’ tool.

Suspense comes a calling when night vision falls, but Luna milks it for almost twenty minutes, serving up a feast of blurry camerawork, unappeasable nausea and little else. It’s nothing we haven’t seen a thousand times before and it really does go on forever. Your mind will start to wander as Christian and July stumble about in the darkness for the umpteenth time, and you might even ask yourself how Christian is able to film the entire visit without any thought for his or his families safety. I know we wouldn’t have a premise without it, but really, the idea that Christian would continue to record as his sister is being chased through the house by a murderous would be psychopath ghost type thing is stretching credibility just a tad.

The final reveal is handled well enough but a sickening sense of déjà vu is present throughout. Atrocious doesn’t quite live up to the promise of its title, but that’s only because I’ve always found the reality of first person horror movies terrifying. If you’re already immune to the likes of Paranormal Activity and [REC], turn away now. But not for too long, there’s very little chance of this tiresome thriller showing you the way.

REVIEW: CASTLE OF THE WALKING DEAD (DVD)

Christopher Lee appears here in Castle of the Walking Dead, adapted from Edgar Allan Poe's short-story The Pit And The Pendulum, showcasing all that was good, and bad, about Hammer's legendary British film brand... 

After a public execution, the good people of a small Transylvanian community think they have finally rid themselves of the murderous Count Regula (Christopher Lee) after he is drawn and quartered.

Thirty-five years later, he comes back to seek revenge on the daughter of his intended 13th victim and the son of his prosecutor in order to attain immortal life – but will he succeed in his devilish dealings?

(To read the full review click on either image)

SECOND OPINION: ATTACK THE BLOCK (DVD/BLU-RAY)

"Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish are best known to UK audiences as the writers and presenters of The Adam and Joe Show, which ran between 1996 and 2001. Attack the Block is Joe’s first stab at feature length movies, following small roles in both Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Being a comedy writer, you might expect his directorial debut to be a laugh riot from start to finish, chock full of witty one-liners and casual asides. Attack the Block takes a comical central premise – a gang of hoodies defend their neighbourhood against an alien invasion – but tones down the laughs in favour of exhilarating action and genuine thrills. 

Trainee nurse Sam (Jodie Whittaker) is walking home to her flat in a South London tower block when she's robbed by a gang of masked, hooded youths. She's saved when a bright meteorite, which falls from the sky and hits a nearby car, distracts the gang. Sam flees, and the gang are left to take on the small alien, successfully killing it in revenge for an attack on their leader Moses (John Boyega). As a second wave of meteors fall, the gang are forced to defend their turf. The only problem being, this time the aliens are much bigger, and Sam quickly realises that the kids who attacked her could well be her best chance of survival.

Despite the appearance of Nick Frost and the writing talent of Joe Cornish, you’d be wrong to assume that this is a horror comedy. It’s certainly amusing from time to time, but Joe’s debut will best be remembered as a gritty urban sci-fi thriller. With the exception of would-be heroine Sam, this impressive cast of up and coming talent hardly make for stereotypical hero fodder. The fact that the kids try to rob Sam at the start of the movie suggests a darker shade of daring, and Joe is wise to keep the characters real throughout. You will warm to them however as the movie progresses, such is the quality of the acting and writing, and you will be rooting for the troublesome teens as the frightfully gripping final showdown looms.

The gorilla/wolf cross breads are a masterstroke, instantly memorable and genuinely unsettling. With luminous teeth and jet-black fur, they make their presence felt in every scene, despite a meagre budget that could’ve derailed the movie. Joe takes to action like a duck to water though, delivering a series of high paced chase sequences that never fail to impress. With a believable young cast, quotable dialogue, gripping action and tension you can chew on, Joe Cornish has delivered one of the best monster mashes of the last twenty years. Better believe it bruv, this movie is sick."            AW

REVISIT: WAKE WOOD (DVD)

"Sometimes dead is better. If only Patrick and Louise had the loveable Jud Crandall as a neighbour, maybe they wouldn't have got themselves into such a fine mess when their daughter, Alice (Ella Connolly), is attacked by a dog and killed. Struggling to get over her death, they relocate to the small town of Wake Wood where they stumble on a group of townsfolk performing Pagan rituals. Before you can say, "It's that damn road!", the whippersnapper is back for three days and refuses to play dead...

Although Wake Wood borrows from every film of its kind, and is not a classic by any means, it benefits from a spooky atmosphere enhanced by some fine performances (especially Timothy Spall's Arthur). The plot too is engaging with some nice twists and turns, even if the supposedly sinister child is anything but, with her less than subtle behaviour almost ruining the final third (don't get me started on the raincoat). 

With visuals creating a superbly menacing and threatening location, adopting the look of Hammer horror from yesteryear, an intriguing what-would-you-do premise, some nasty shocks and decent blood-shed, not to mention a terror far from contemporary these days, Wake Wood is a refreshingly pleasant fable that doesn't deserve to stay buried. There may be dead cows, but at least there isn't a Paxcow to ruin David Keating's impressive offering."                 DW 

ALLOW IT: ATTACK THE BLOCK (DVD/BLU-RAY)

"Robbed by a gang of hooded youths isn't the worse thing that could happen to you on Fireworks Night, as Sam (Jodie Whittaker), a trainee nurse, discovers when a meteorite falls from the sky and destroys a nearby car. The gang, annoyed by such an inconvenience, investigate and discover an alien has crash landed, so instead of phoning home, they kick its head in.

While Sam and the police hunt for the gang, a second wave of meteors fall, and relishing a bloodbath against such feeble opposition, the gang grab weapons, mount scooters and set out to defend their block. The only problem is, this time, the invaders are bigger. Much bigger. It isn't long before both parties realise their best chance of survival is to forgive and fight, and so begins Joe Cornish's brilliant debut feature dubbed inner city versus outer space.

Bearing a positive comparison with Shaun of the Dead (2004), this wonderful sci-fi/comedy/horror mash up maintains a quirky identity of its own with cracking dialogue and some excellent performances by its young cast. Joe Cornish keeps things moving speedily along with some neat set-pieces and a thumping soundtrack, while the monsters themselves are confidently created, and after a troubling opening reveal, are some of the coolest martians in recent years. 

Injected with a sense of old-school fun it's not surprising that thanks to the directors previous credits, Attack the Block is one of the funniest films of the year, with an outrageous mixture of gore and gags, played perfectly straight by the majority of the cast, which of course makes the whole ride even more enjoyable - just remember, this ain't Pokemon."                                             DW

REVIEW: ROBOTROPOLIS (DVD)

Film: Robotropolis
UK Release date: Out now
Year: 2011
Certificate: 15
Director: Christopher Hatton
Starring: Zoe Naylor, Graham Sibley, Edward Foy, Lani John Tupu, Jourdan Lee
Running time: 81 mins
Genre: Action/Adventure/Sci-fi
Reviewer: Adam Wing

While a group of reporters are covering the unveiling of a high-tech industrial facility run by robots, one of the machines short circuits and goes haywire. The TV crew are forced to fight for their lives, battling an army of Metal Mickey’s that are threatening to wipe out the whole of mankind. Christopher Hatton takes charge on this one, with Zoe Naylor (The Reef), Graham Sibley (Days Of Our Lives) and Edward Foy (Standard Action) doing their best to keep up with the ropey dialogue, dubious special effects and terrifying screenplay.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one. A team of TV news reporters are covering the story of a small town test facility where humans and robots live together in perfect harmony. A world in which man and machine co-exist, working together to build a better future. Whilst reporting on a live football game - with a robot playing alongside human teammates - one of the humans has an argument with the ‘bird’, which retaliates by shooting him dead. If only Match of the Day were this exciting.

The reporters are devastated by the shocking turn of events, even if they do forget to tell their faces. Instead of checking on the fallen victim, they choose to keep filming. The player’s teammates however, who you’d expect to be screaming and yelling at this point, can’t even be bothered to run for their lives. They just turn and walk away, almost as though the referee has blown up for half time. The scene ends with the rest of the players returning to the field, not to help their injured friend or call for an ambulance, but to start chanting “Nobot! Nobot!” at the news crew instead. The reporters inform us that the machines have turned bad - well thanks for clearing that one up.

If that sounds like your kind of night in, you’ll find plenty to enjoy in Hatton’s low-budget sci-fi spectacle Robotropolis. There’s also the possibility you’ll be eating with plastic cutlery for the rest of your stay here. Robotropolis is a mess of a movie from start to finish, devoid of characterisation, decent acting and anything approaching tension. I spent the entire movie expecting Leslie Nielsen to show up, but as it turns out, Robotropolis has been pitched as a serious sci-fi movie with apocalyptic undertones. The Wayans Brothers don’t even make an appearance, not even Shawn.

Robotropolis dares to be different by depicting doom via live newsreels, TV anchormen and mobile phone footage, but it just doesn’t ring true. The performances are weak throughout, chief offender being Lani Tupu, whose billionaire entrepreneur fails to register in every conceivable way. Zoe Naylor proves to be the films only bright spark, but we’re talking about flashlight bright here, certainly not enough to brighten up your dark and dreary evening. None of the other characters make an impact, each and everyone of them let down by a weak script and the inability to walk and talk at the same time.

Some of the robot effects are competent enough, and a feisty forest dash almost hits home as our menacing (should that be mirthful) metallic mercenaries hunt down their prey like wild dogs. Unfortunately, most of the special effects lack credibility, and there’s more chance of ED-209 renting out the Penthouse Suite at The Bellagio Hotel then there is of a genuine robot upheaval. Having said that, there is a welcome dose of CG gore to keep things moving in the right direction, but not enough to keep the ravenous gore hounds at bay.

Everybody loves Robots, everybody loves robot movies, but Robotropolis will push your passion to the limit with a relentless parade of corny dialogue, woeful performances and zero humour. You know you’re asking for trouble when the human characters you’ve created have less personality than the robot rebellion they’re struggling to overcome, but Hatton’s biggest failing is the decision to take himself seriously. Lacking in chills, thrills, humour and passion, Robotropolis is to robot movies what The Terminator is to world peace.

NOTHING TO SEE HERE: JULIA'S EYES (DVD)

"Your blind sister hanging in the basement is probably not one of the final things you want to see before a degenerative sight disease takes your vision away too, but Julia (the stunning Belen Rueda) has little choice in this horror ominously presented by Guillermo Del Toro, but sadly not directed by the Mexican master of chills.

Despite all signs pointing to suicide, Julia decides to investigate what she intuitively feels is a murder case, but as her sight slowly weakens she uncovers the terrifying truth about Sara's death and the invisible man with a mysterious link who is stalking her, leaving a series of unexplained deaths in his trail. 

There are some bizarre choices made by director Guillem Morales, who opts to keep the identity of Julia's carer a secret (of sorts) simply by chopping off his head (not literally) as soon as he enters the frame, while the film itself is far too long, despite Rueda's strong turn, and has an ending that fails to satisfy, prolonged by a humdrum murder-mystery plot that deteriorates quicker than her vision. 

Still, the naturalistic settings, and the skilled use of his monster's shadow offers some menace, and he's not afraid to go for the big shocks either, which for the most part are carefully judged to notch up some kind of tension. In fact, they're the best bits, but you'll be waiting for some time before they arrive, and some will question whether they were worth seeing at all - it's not all bad for Julia, then."                                                                              DW

AVOID: QUARANTINE 2 - TERMINAL (DVD)

"The original Quarantine may have surprised for being a half-decent remake of [Rec] (2007) but its sequel is a far-cry from the frenetic action of [Rec] 2 (2009), opting to choose a different flight path. The story picks up later that night, rather than immediately after, but its location is LAX, as passengers board a flight to Nashville.

So when a passenger becomes violently ill with a rabies-like virus, the plane makes an emergency landing, and Jenny (the likeable Mercedes Masohn), a heroic yet inexperienced flight attendant, takes charge and leads the fight against the marauding zombies. It's short, snappy, but there are few chills and little threat despite the majority of the cast becoming the walking dead. 

With stereotypes left, right and centre, you'll care little about anyone, and although our plucky heroine eventually wins you over, and the twist ending is very welcome, it's hard work getting there - its gore and setpieces just not that entertaining or original. Still, extra points for director John Pogue trying something different, even if it feels like the screenplay has been gathering dust for some time, waiting for the perfect excuse to go airborn. "                         DW

10 HOLIDAY DESTINATIONS ANY HORROR FAN SHOULD AVOID

Looking to book a last minute break? At Twistedwing Travel, we understand that it’s the little things that make the big difference. That’s why we’re dedicated in making your holiday special. We aim to make foreign travel accessible to all, so instead of soggy trips to the seaside, in no time at all you’ll be jetting off to the Continent for a dose of sun and fun.

With a huge collection of holidays to choose from, we’ll help you find a break that’s right for you. We don’t just give you a huge choice of holiday destinations, either. We bring you the very best destinations from around the world. So whether you’re looking for Aussie sunshine, thrills and spills in arctic Norway or a last-minute deal to the Mediterranean, we’ll take you there. Here is a selection of our finest locations.

Spain

If you’re seeking an island getaway, go for the peace and quiet of pretty Almanzora, where the stunning scenery is wrapped up in a great big warm welcome. There’s something for everyone here. If you like to explore, it offers a wealth of sights to be discovered.

Check out the piazza, the bars and the stores, all completely deserted; walk round the cobbled streets and witness a little girl beating an old man to death with his cane, or just kick back by the harbour side, as swarms of children attack you and your boat. There’s never a dull moment. You may even be allowed to participate in one of the local traditions, an innocent game of human piñata. Child-friendly, Almanzora will make all your dreams come true (not suitable for heavily pregnant women).

Belgium

There’s a good reason you won’t have heard a lot about Belgium holidays. Belgium doesn’t like to boast. Small, beautiful and sophisticated, with a naughty glint in its eye – you can tell Audrey Hepburn was born here, and if you head for the swampy Hautes Fagnes region of Liège, you’ll probably die here. Perfect for hiking, biking and bags of fresh air, not so good if your car breaks down, or for females in general, the isolated community of animal-lovers will welcome you at the local bar with a song and a dance like you’ve never seen before – a truly memorable and haunting holiday awaits.

France

From romantic Paris to the rolling vineyards of Champagne and vast beaches of Brittany through to the sun-drenched fields of the Loire, travelling to France promises to tantalise and tickle your holiday taste buds like nowhere else. The cities may be spellbinding, but why not venture further afield at one of our rural retreats. Here, you’ll make friends to last a lifetime, and unexpected romance could certainly be on the cards.

Each property welcomes pets, especially of the cat and mouse variety, while their romantic settings could certainly go to your head. Dine at the truck-stop restaurant with a menu devoted to local produce; sip a classic Burgundy served by the neighbourly bartender, or simply step away from the cut-throat world and soak up the quiet life you probably thought was implausible.

Germany

Fairy-tale buildings nestling in pine-scented forests, beers festivals of epic proportions and an unrivalled love of David Hasselhoff aren’t the only things you’ll discover in this vibrant and varied country. Mountains, lakes and woods will get you reaching for those hiking boots, while the wildlife itself, with its stunning array of arthropods, will leave you with a lump in your throat.

A truly unique experience, holidays to Germany come in all shapes and sizes, but it’s the friendliness of the people that will capture your heart, with each member of the community coming together to make your trip so magical, helping to form the longest lasting memories.

Uruguay

One of the most economically developed countries in South America, noted for its low levels of corruption, Uruguay was ranked by Reader’s Digest as the ninth most liveable and greenest country in the world, so why not take your family and venture further afield to sample its delights?

Stay in one of our recently renovated properties, away from it all with no civilisation for hundreds of miles, a slow-paced environment with picture-perfect woodland (don’t leave your polaroid camera at home) yearning to be explored, but only if you can drag yourself away from such a beautiful cottage (even if you do, you’re sure to foolishly venture back inside pretty much straight away).     

Norway

Jotunheimen is a mountain area in southern Norway, covering an area of roughly 3,500 square kilometres, including Norway’s highest mountain Galdhøpiggen, waterfalls, rivers, lakes, glaciers, luxuriant valleys and Nazi zombies. Some of Europe’s most spectacular hiking is here, and is ideally suited for cross-country and alpine skiers, cyclists and climbers who enjoy the experience of being hunted down by the walking dead before retiring to their hotel up in the mountains.

Reopened this year but still oozing seventies charm, run by a slightly reserved gentleman whose hobbies include stalking and slashing stereotypes. Snowmobiles, pickaxes and chainsaws are supplied for your pleasure, so why not hang around (intestines provided) and enjoy the beautiful nature and blood-stained snowy landscape on offer. Optional extras include tutorials in amputation, first aid with gaffer tape and how to survive an avalanche.

Australia

A holiday in Australia will tick all the right boxes: beaches from wild and surf-pounded to gently lapped shores where the waves would barely tickle a toddler; diverse landscapes, from the immense, fire-coloured Australian outback to wondrous rainforests.

Wolf Creek National Park is another highlight where you’ll visit amazing wild forces of nature, and if you’re really lucky, a local bushman called Mick Taylor can be seen frolicking in this baron location. Partial to backpackers, passports, large knives and abandoned mining sites, the helpful little critter is best viewed from a distance, but if you do have the privilege of meeting him face to face, whatever you do, don’t drink the water.

New Zealand

New Zealand is a land of inspiring landscapes and welcoming people (the animals aren’t to be trusted) where adventure comes naturally and activities abound. We offer a complete tailor-made travel service to and around New Zealand, whether you wish to travel independently (not advisable) or as part of a group, and for the first time we are introducing a unique farming experience at Oldfield Farm, including bed and breakfast.

Watch as sheep are sheared, and then have a go yourself. Hand feed the various animals (don’t bark at them) before becoming dinner itself. Not for the faint-hearted, or for anyone with ‘sheep phobia’, what with 40 million of the blood-thirsty animals roaming the hills, this holiday is ideal for anyone interested in genetic engineering experiments that go terribly wrong, or for those keen to see whether or not sheep can work brake pedals.

Hong Kong

If you could imagine the perfect holiday you would probably conjure up blazing sunshine, riotously coloured coral reefs and sands softer and whiter than ever before, throwing in eye-popping visual delights such as mighty temples and spectacular buildings. Instead, we offer you the playground of the damned, ghosts’ bridge and an embryo tunnel. 

The forest of Hang, with its falling dead bodies and long-necked zombies is another highlight. Sucking you into the strangest of spheres, this trip of a lifetime delivers such transports of delights you’ll confine all your previous holidays to the trash, hypnotised by such a haunting locale. There certainly won’t be any time to finish that book!

Japan

From the stunning sights of Hokkaido in the temperate north to the sub-tropical islands of Okinawa in the south, the calm of Japan’s Zen temples, the majesty of its ancient castles, the peaceful beauty of Mount Fuji and the neon-lit delights of Tokyo make this one of the most rewarding destinations. Visiting unspoilt areas of natural beauty, with secluded country walks, you’ll stay in some welcoming traditional accommodation.

Even if you’re not the outdoor type, there are still plenty of activities to enjoy, from gurning competitions to hairstyling, directing your own movie to watching cursed videotapes. Or you can let your hair down and spend the day in one of the country’s many wells, visit a psychic medium and explore the neighbouring volcanic island. Whatever you decide to do, they’ll be nothing more rewarding than putting your feet up at the end of the evening to watch a bit of television (due to problems in the past, it’s advisable to always turn the gogglebox off prior to bed).

Written by Daryl Wing

REVIEW: NINJA GIRL (DVD)

Film: Ninja Girl
UK Release date: 10th October 2011
Year: 2011
Certificate: 18
Director: Seiji Chiba
Starring: Rina Takeda, Mitsuki Koga, Masanori Mimoto, Yuichi Sato
Running time: 65 mins
Genre: Martial Arts/Action
Country: Japan
Subtitles: English
Reviewer: Adam Wing

Limited locations, a blink and you’ll miss it screenplay, ninja assassins and mediocre action choreography – looks like Seiji Chiba’s back in town. With the exception of Alien Vs Ninja, which benefited from a ridiculous concept and hilarious rubber costumes, Seiji Chiba has done very little to suggest any kind of future in the world of filmmaking. His films rarely make it past the hour mark, and that’s one of the few positives to emerge from his sorry CV, but still he continues to churn out the same movie time and time again.

Ninja Girl is the latest ‘film’ from writer/director Seiji Chiba, and it has but one trick up its well-worn sleeve. That would be 19-year-old karate sensation-turned-actress Rina Takeda (Karate Girl; High-Kick Girl), an ass-kicking ninja on hand to deliver a blast of lukewarm martial arts action. As the fierce rivalry between the Iga and Kouga clan’s rages on, a pair of psychotic eunuch ninjas is tasked with abducting young women to serve as "tools of pleasure". Not that the girls are going to give in without a fight. Little do they realise that one of their latest victims is a kunoichi, a highly skilled female ninja with vengeance in mind.

As far as detailed plot summaries go, that’s pretty much it for Ninja Girl. The cast consists of four girls and three guys, and if you’re already familiar with the works of Seiji Chiba, you’ll know to expect a series of forest-bound chase sequences and a kick-ass finale set inside a cave. Alien Vs Ninja wasn’t a good movie by any stretch of the imagination, but it did come complete with a welcome sense of humour. With Ninja Girl, Chiba has decided to drop the occasional guffaws in favour of monotonous exposition. It’s a chore from start to finish, light on action and devoid of personality.

A lengthy seven-minute credit sequence will do little to ease your fear, and most of the scenes that follow act as filler anyway. Chiba’s script hints at themes of depravity and exploitation, but we never get to see the outside world that he’s describing. Maybe we should blame the meagre funding, but there are definite signs of life hidden within Chiba’s script that should’ve been explored more fully. Just as the story starts to unfold, Chiba cuts to the end credits and we’re left with a feeling of emptiness, disillusionment and frustration. As Kisaragi gallops into the distance, you'll be forgiven for wondering whether she’s running from the amateur direction or the paltry post-it note screenplay, she certainly isn’t racing to get in line for further instalments.

Ninja Girl is a waste of time for all involved, with no redeeming features whatsoever. With lethargic action punctuating the tiresome exposition, even at 65 minutes Ninja Girl feels like a chore. Isn’t it about time somebody pulled Seiji Chiba to one side and had a quiet word in his ear? Some would have us believe that he’s a pioneering director of ninja action movies - others would call him lazy.

REVIEW: EROTIBOT (DVD)

Erotibot, starring Japanese AV star Maria Ozawa, is the latest film from the production company behind the irredeemably trashy and, at times, fun Big Tits Zombie (2010) and the ultra-bloody gore-fest The Horny House Of Horror (2010). Unleashed in the UK in September 2011, it’s probably safe to say that titillating delights and a few exploding heads are on the cards.

Tomayo is heiress to her wealthy family’s fortunes. In order to protect her from greedy relations, she is looked after by three android bodyguards. The first is masterful and good looking, the second has beastlike strength, and the third is a clumsy misfit who can’t seem to get anything right.

Together, the three androids help protect Tomayo from danger and serve/service her during the day (delete as appropriate). Life smells of roses until another family member, Tsukiyo (Maria Ozawa), jealous of Tomayo, hires a private detective to spy on her.

Uncovering a dark secret, Tsukiyo is consumed by rage, believing Tomayo to be an embarrassment and not worthy of the riches she’ll inherit. Along with her loyal servant Azami (The Machine Girl, Robogeisha), can she distract the three Androids long enough to kill the girl and bag the fortune for herself?

(To read the full review click on either image)

TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE: SUICIDE CLUB (DVD)

Film: Suicide Club

UK Release date: 19th September 2011

UK Distributor: Cine Du Monde

Classification: 18

Running Time: 99 mins

Director: Shion Sono

Starring: Ryo Ishibashi, Masatoshi Nagase, Mai Hosho, Tamao Sato, Takashi Nomura

Genres: Horror

Year: 2001

Format: DVD

Language: Japanese

Reviewer: Daryl Wing

Controversial Japanese filmmaker Shion Sono’s first major commercial hit was a movie he wrote, directed and shot in a record time of two weeks (assembled in four) called Suicide Circle, a disturbing thriller about Japan's incredibly high suicide rate. A hit in Japan, it was also played in many film festivals, where it was retitled Suicide Club, and won the Groundbreaker Award and the Most Groundbreaking Film jury prize at the Fant-Asia Film Festival. Ten years on, the UK finally gets a release this September courtesy of Cine Du Monde.

54 high school girls throw themselves in front of a subway train in some kind of bizarre pact, but this appears to be only the beginning of a string of suicides around the country, all involving school children.

With questions raised over the involvement of an up and coming all-girl pop group called Dessert, Detective Kuroda (Ryo Ishibashi) desperately tries to find the answer, which isn’t as simple as one could hope…

He said: I hope you’re sitting comfortably. Suicide Club is certainly one strange ride. The plot synopsis doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of the film’s brutal opening hour, followed by the surreal nature of a final third that offers few concrete answers, but hints at a number of reasons why the children of Japan prefer the former to the latter.

She said: Suicide Club can best be described as a relentless stream of arresting imagery, backed by light-hearted musical numbers and jovial dance routines. One such moment captures the mood brilliantly; as a catchy tune rings out to the sight of overdose attempts, group hangings and culinary disasters. Just when you think Sono has reached the peak of his prowess, he takes his film down a completely different path.

He said: Sono’s direction is pretty faultless. He gets some excellent performances from a cast consisting of mainly friends and more recognizable players in the outstanding Ishibashi and Rolly Teranishi that intensify the disturbing realism of a premise not as warped or as shocking at is was ten years ago. The grainy visuals add to the charm.

She said: For a short period of time, Suicide Club finds itself in similar territory to Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange, where potential suicide is put aside in favour of sadistic torture and homicidal tendencies. It’s an unexpected change of direction - one that comes with delirious rock-opera trimmings - but Sono continues to shock and surprise like its going out of fashion.

He said: The first mass suicide is easily one of the most interesting introductions ever witnessed on film, and as shocking as you could possibly hope for.

She said: The denouement doesn’t always convince, and a few lingering plot holes serve only to frustrate. In 2006, Sono attempted to plug these holes with sequel-come-prequel Noriko’s Dinner Table. The follow up depicts events that take place before and after the incidents of Suicide Club. Sono went on to say that he had originally envisaged a trilogy, but in reality the chance of making three feature films was slim.

He said: The over-egged ‘Mail Me’ track by pop-group Dessert wears a bit thin, but Sono produces a scene that almost rivals the intro when the Suicide Club’s ‘founding members’ make a stand (or not) and playfully tease each other on a rooftop, daring the next in line to take the plunge.

She said: With so many characters coming and going, it’s hard to pick out a standout performance. Musician turned actor Rolly Teranishi makes an immediate and lasting impression as celebrity-in-waiting Genesis, but in hindsight that might have something to do with his sudden and unexpected appearance.

He said: Whether the rash of suicides are an accident or a crime is ultimately pointless (by the end you won’t give a damn), but after another outstanding scene, the mum-can-I-have-some-chocolate-montage, Sono’s flick becomes more filler than killer.

She said: There’s a lot going on in Suicide Club, and ideas bombard the screen left, right and centre. Themes are explored and then dropped - often in favour of gory mayhem and J-pop dance routines - leaving the underlying message somewhat confused. His ability to shock was never in question though, a statement made clear by the opening stampede.

He said: Still, if you’re going to throw a load of chicks and children in raincoats into the mix, you may as well do it during this film - right at the end would help – at least the outrageous scene takes the attention away from Dessert’s truly awful song, which we’re treated to in its entirety as we sit there, wide-eyed and clueless while the credits roll.

She said: Suicide fads, subliminal messages and social commentary provide Sono with another opportunity to enthral the masses. Suicide Club touches on current themes and fears, but Sono’s film will best be remembered for its harrowing tone, twisted humour and startling set pieces - washed down with a catchy pop number or two. Flawed yet fearless, Suicide Club will forever remain a sign of things to come from an unmistakable talent.

He said: Suicide Club amazes from the outset, and grips with a drip-feed of gory shocks and intrigue you pray will provide some kind of answer, eventually. Or maybe not. Its audacious finale is just as fascinating, if not as satisfying, but mass suicide, baby chickens and annoying Japanese pop stars should keep you sat firmly in your seat rather than anywhere else far more sinister.