GREAT TRACK: ARCANE ROOTS - IN THIS TOWN OF BAD WEATHER

GREAT NIGHT IN: HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON (DVD) ****

"I'm not really a fan of Shrek (2001), Madagascar (2005) or Kung Fu Panda (2008), all lacking a certain something, so I could hardly get too excited when the people behind those three animated features decided to introduce us to How To Train Your Dragon, an adventure comedy set in a mythical world of burly vikings and wild dragons, based on the book by Cressida Cowell. That's until I saw the trailer and laughed myself stupid.

Still, fearful that all the good bits were crammed into it, leaving ninety minutes of nothingness, I tried my best not to get too excited about a story that centres around a viking teenager, Hiccup, who lives on the island of Berk, where fighting dragons is a way of life. Initiation is coming, and this is his one chance to prove his worthiness to his tribe, but more importantly, his father.

So when he encounters, and ultimately befriends, an injured dragon, his world is turned upside down, soon realising that everything they were told to fear about dragons is wrong. If it wasn't for Toy Story 3 (2010), How To Train Your Dragon would be the best animated film of 2010, but as it stands, it's just going to have to settle for one of the best films, animated or not, instead.

With slick imagery, including a finale that rivals, dare I say it, the last assault on the Death Star in Star Wars: A New Hope (1977), as well as plenty of laughs, thrills, and a dragon in Toothless that will melt even the hardest of hearts, Dreamworks has finally delivered - a must-see!"  

15 MOVIES THAT REDEFINE CLASSIC

I have a problem with the word classic. I also loathe five-star reviews, whether they represent the collected wisdom of some of the best film reviewers in the world or not. How you can judge over a period of time something to be of the highest quality is a baffling exercise, especially if you’ll only ever watch the movie once, maybe twice at a push.

I mean, seriously, how many times have you seen Amadeus (1984), Brazil (1985), The Maltese Falcon (1960) or A Room with a View (1985)? How about A Streetcar Named Desire (1951), Synecdoche, New York (2008), The Third Man (1949) or Dancer in the Dark (2000)? That’s what I thought. And how many times have you watched Total Recall (1990) or Con Air (1997)?

Is it just me, or is there something wrong with the rating system? It’s so bad that I’ve actually stopped buying movies. It doesn’t matter how many I own, could be sixty or six hundred, because there are only fifteen or so that I will keep pulling from the shelves, keep watching, keep finding an excuse to enjoy time and time again. For crying out loud, some of the ‘five-star-films’ in my collection still have cellophane wrapped around them.

You can call them guilty pleasures if you wish, but I prefer to call them classics; often pulled to pieces by critics, easily ridiculed and yet in their own unique way, works of art I’ll never tire of, still be surprised by, and most importantly, forever enjoy. The Asphalt Jungle (1950) may get rave-reviews, but stick me in the jungle with Arnie any day of the week.

Therefore, here are fifteen movies that should be labelled as classics as from this moment on (since compiling this list I’ve also realised that I want to be ten again)…

1. Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

John Carpenter’s best-movie-ever introduces us to Jack Burton, a tough-talking, wisecracking truck driver whose hum-drum life on the road takes a sudden supernatural tailspin when his best friend’s fiancée is kidnapped. What follows is a crazy, full-throttle, action-riddled ride full of inventive set-pieces, explosive action, cracking villains, dreamy romance and ingenious one-liners that will forever stand the test of time. And as ol’ Jack always says, Chinatown (1974) is nowhere near as magical as this.

2. Adventures in Babysitting (1987)

What teenage dreams were made of, Adventures in Babysitting follows Chris (the forever gorgeous Elisabeth Shue), a fun-loving girl who is babysitting when her friend Brenda calls and begs to be rescued from the dangers of a dingy downtown bus station. Taking the kids with her (many nights were spent dreaming that I was one of them), a dull evening explodes into life as they are chased by gangsters, pursued by a hook-handed monster, avoid warring teenage gangs and get rescued by Thor, all before singing for their lives in a seedy blues nightclub. Director Chris Columbus is actually a genius (this list proves it) but his first outing will always be the best.

3. Over the Top (1987)

Some fight for money, some fight for glory – he’s fighting for his son’s love. Well, he’s not really fighting - more of an arm-wrestle, really. But it is the world championships, and Lincoln Hawk (almost as good a moniker as Mason Storm) hasn’t seen his son since birth. His ex-wife may be dying, and his father-in-law will try anything to stop them from getting to see her, but Lincoln drives an eighteen-wheeler, is hard as nails, and does a sneaky little thing with his fingers.

4. Dirty Dancing (1987)

Teenager baby (Jennifer Grey), goes with her family on vacation to Kellerman’s holiday resort in the Catskill’s Mountains, and things are pretty tame until she meets Johnny Castle (Patrick Swayze), a dance teacher at the resort who mesmerises Baby, and generations of females, with his silky dance moves. He teaches her how to dance, he teaches her how to love, his cousin even teaches her how to carry a watermelon, but most of all, Dirty Dancing teaches the male audience that it’s okay to like chick flicks, up to a point. Just don’t try ‘the lift’ when you’ve had one too many – leave it to the professionals, and never put Baby in the corner. She hates corners – freaks her right out.

5. The Running Man (1987)

The year is 2017. The world economy has collapsed. The United States has become a military controlled police state which governs all media output. Here, criminals have a choice. They can serve their sentences or they can take part in "The Running Man", a government owned violent game-show where contestants running for freedom are pursued by monstrous celebrities, all in the name of entertainment.

Ben Richards (Arnold Schwarzenegger), framed for a crime he didn’t commit, is about to change all that, and what follows is the greatest action-flick to ever grace our screens. Forget Arnie’s sublime one-liners, ridiculous fight scenes and an opening sequence that will forever blow your mind, the highlight here is when Killian, the show’s presenter, finally gets his comeuppance: “I hope you have enough room for my fist, because I’m going to ram it into your stomach and break your god-damn spine!” – can’t say he wasn’t warned.

6. Inner Space (1987)

Jack Putter (whatever happened to Martin Short?) is a hypochondriac that hears a voice inside his head – that of Tuck Pendleton (Dennis Quaid), a hot-shot Navy pilot, subject of a secret miniaturization project that goes a bit wrong – he’s injected into Jack by mistake. This isn’t good of course, especially on coupon-day, but Inner Space thrives on a crazy and clever script welcomed by the team that brought us Gremlins (1984). With goofy Bond villains, stunts that still impress, a convincing love-triangle and wonderful dialogue (“Play with it, son, don’t talk to it”), Joe Dante proves, yet again, that the eighties was his decade. It’s a shame Zemeckis beat him to the time-machine otherwise he'd probably go back.

7. The Goonies (1985)

It’s that man again. And no, I’m not talking about Spielberg (or Dante for that matter). Chris Columbus wrote the script to one of the greatest movies ever made following a group of small heroes with a mysterious treasure map into an underground realm of twisting passages, outrageous booby-traps and a long-lost pirate ship. Introducing us to the coolest bunch of movie characters ever, The Goonies has everything you could ever wish for in a movie: a loveable monster, creepy villains, booby traps, lame gadgets, pirates and the truffle shuffle – and how can we forget the delicious chemistry that tastes even better than a Baby Ruth? The Goonies may always mess up, but Richard Donner certainly didn’t.

8. Big (1988)

Tom Hanks may be slightly annoying these days but he deservedly won rave reviews for his Oscar nominated performance (1988, Best Actor) as a twelve-year old boy trapped inside a thirty-year-olds body. Josh Baskin wishes he was big, and what do you know, he wakes the next morning to discover that he is. His innocent outlook on life lands him a job at a toy company, where his inner wisdom enables him to successfully predict what children want to buy, thus making him irresistible to a beautiful, ambitious, colleague (Elizabeth Perkins). Similar to Adventures in Babysitting, in that it turns every young boy’s dream into reality (I had to share a bunk bed with my twin brother instead), Big may be overplayed on television in the United Kingdom, but its charms will never fade – my favourite Tom Hanks movie by a considerable distance.

9. The Notebook (2004)

Behind every great love is a great story, and so it proves, as Allie (the beautiful Rachel McAdams) and Noah (the ultra-cool Ryan Gosling) begin a whirlwind courtship that soon blossoms into one of the most gut-wrenching, fight-back-the-tears movies ever made. Based on the best-selling novel by Nicholas Sparks, there’s something about The Notebook that works, and never have I had to endure a film that pulls at the heartstrings so many times. Well, not since Over the Top, anyhow. A timeless love story, for sure, with an outstanding cast, strong characters, and more than one moment that could easily rival the greatest ever love scenes to grace the silver screen. If only building a house was that easy – sure would make Valentine’s Day easier to negotiate.

10. Clash of the Titans (1981)

Forget the miserable re-imagining; the original Clash of the Titans acquainted us with Olympian gods, mythological monsters and heroic mortals that will never be bettered. Harry Hamlin is Perseus, mortal son of Zeus (Laurence Olivier) and champion of captive Andromeda (Judi Bowker), fighting heroically against sea creature Kraken, snake haired Medusa (the highlight), some giant scorpions and a two-headed dog, all with the help of a flying horse called Pegasus. What more could anyone ask for? A clockwork owl, you say? Okay then, why the hell not… Sunday afternoons don’t get any better than this.

11. License to Drive (1988)

Without License to Drive, we wouldn’t have Superbad (2007). Les (Corey Haim) is about to go through one of the most important adolescent rites-of-passage: his driver's license exam. He needs to pass too, because his best friends know only too well that cars mean girls, and Les knows that only a pass will reward him with a hot date with Mercedes (Heather Graham). Sadly, he fails, but instead of contemplating suicide he steals his grandfather's near-vintage, baby-blue caddy and the girl-hungry teens hit the town. Too bad everything that could go wrong does go wrong, but then we wouldn’t get to witness this hilarious ride in all it’s guilty-pleasure, I mean classic, glory. Local Hero (1983) it may not be, but Haim will always be a hero in my eyes.

12. Mannequin (1987)

A charming romantic comedy starring Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall (never realised I liked her so much), the story follows frustrated artist Switcher as he switches from one dead-end job to another until a mannequin he creates for a department store window comes magically to life. Turning his career around, inspiring him to be the best window dresser in town, Ema (Cattrall) soon discovers that the real world isn't so easy, even if she is. Famous for its classic theme-song by Starship, Mannequin is cheesy as hell, but even in this day and age, still has enough heart and amusing plot turns to win over the doubters. Some may like it hot, but I'd rather date a dummy, anytime.

13. Behind Enemy Lines (2001)

Back when Owen Wilson didn't want to become the clown, he starred alongside Gene Hackman in this high-flying action thriller with tense set-pieces at every turn. When U.S Navy pilot Chris Burnett (Wilson) is shot down during a recon mission over Bosnia, he must fight to stay alive and evade Serbian forces.

With time running out, only Hackman as his commanding officer has the balls to risk everything by launching a rescue mission, bringing with it some of the best action-sequences ever witnessed: just how tense is the scene where Wilson plays dead in a field of bodies? Or how about the edge-of-your-seat thrills of the trip-wire minefield - soul-stirring even without the bad guy turning up? Just two of the rip-roaring scenes this film repeatedly throws up, making two hours feel like ten minutes. Shame you can't say the same for Heat (1995).

14. Ghost (1990)

Whoopi Goldberg should have made just the one film, and this is obviously it. Patrick Swayze (back again) plays a ghost that must team up with her to uncover the truth behind his murder - and to rescue his sweetheart (Demi Moore) from a similar fate. Forget the pottery scene; Ghost is a touching love story that also happens to be funny and dark in equal measure, questioning the supernatural in a creepy way most horrors don't get close to. It doesn't matter how sinister the plot becomes because we've already fallen in love with the characters, even Whoopi, so when we're finally confronted by the inevitable tear-stained finale, we'll give director Jerry Zucker a break and allow him to over indulge all he wants.

15. Gremlins (1984)

Don't ever get it wet. Keep it away from bright light, and no matter how much they cry, no matter how much they beg, never, ever let them borrow it - tell your friends to buy their own bloody copy. Although widely recognised as a brilliant movie, it’s never been mooted as a classic – until now. Gremlins is one of the greatest stories ever told (written by Columbus, you see) as young Billy Peltzer is given a cuddly new pet for Christmas from his father, a lame inventor, with three very simple instructions. Tragic, hilarious, and incredibly delirious, Joe Dante does it again, creating one of the most enjoyable roller-coaster rides since movies began. And I haven't even mentioned Gizmo once!  

GOOD NIGHT IN: DREAM HOME (DVD) ***

"It doesn't take much to upset Cheng (Josie Ho): a huge residential project blocks her view of the harbour and she's pissed; not helped by her inability to save  up enough cash for her family to move in to the new complex. So what does she do? Well, first she works hard, taking on two jobs, but no matter how hard she toils, she still cannot earn enough to keep up with the ever-increasing values of Honk Kong's real estate.

Suddenly, it dawns on her; in order to get what she wants she must take matters into her own hands, which basically means going on a murder spree that should see the value of the building drop dramatically. Well, I've seen horror movies with worse motives, and Dream Home is saved by some fantastic scenes of mutilation and carnage - especially those of the look-away variety. Littered with flashbacks that interrupt the mayhem but eventually do what's required and create a sense of empathy (sort of), if you want some seriously entertaining bloodshed, look no further because this is insane."

KEEP HER HAPPY: SEX AND THE CITY 2 (DVD) **

"Sex and the City 2 brings it all back and more, much more (it's almost as long as War and Peace) as Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda take another bite out of The Big Apple and beyond, carrying on with their busy lives and loves in a sequel that will delight fans and infuriate others.

What happens after you say "I do"? Well, not a lot, truth be told,  and although life is everything the ladies ever wished it to be, it wouldn't be Sex and the City (apparently) if life didn't hold a few more surprises, this time in the form of an exotic adventure where the party never ends (seriously, it never ends).

Overblown and lacking a certain something as soon as they leave their home comforts, the second half of this film doesn't really have much to say, and isn't that funny either. The opening hour is far more interesting, if only for the nanny and her Irish charms, but as soon as the gang make their escape, I advise men of all ages to do the same. Then again, as our four protagonists would testify, it's good to get away with the girls - so when your partner suggests this DVD, tell her to do just that and whack the football on instead."

GOOD NIGHT IN: KNIGHT AND DAY (DVD) ***

"Directed by James Mangold, mastermind behind the brilliant 3:10 to Yuma (2007), Knight & Day sees two of Twistedwing's favourite moviestars Tom Cruise (Mission Impossible III) and Cameron Diaz (There's Something About Mary) come together in this thrilling, and surprisingly good, action-adventure movie.

June (Diaz) meet a mysterious stranger (Cruise) on a routine flight. But she soon discovers he is a fugitive superspy who thrusts her into a globetrotting cat-and-mouse chase. As the bullets and sparks fly, along with some nifty one-liners, June must decide if she can really trust this "Knight" in shining armour. It's an exhausting ride that eventually runs out of steam, recycling its best gags and set-pieces time and time again - but with Cruise and Diaz its main protagonists, Knight and Day is still an entertaining journey."

REVIEW: THE GIRL WHO PLAYED WITH FIRE (DVD)

Film: The Girl Who Played With Fire **
Release Date: 10th January 2011
Certificate: 15
Running time: 153 mins
Director: Daniel Alfredson
Starring: Michael Nyqvist, Noomi Rapace, Lena Endre, Sofia Ledarp, Micke Spreitz
Genre: Mystery/Thriller
Studio: Momentum
Format: DVD
Country: Sweden/Denmark/Germany

The Girl Who Played With Fire is the second installment of the most successful foreign-language DVD release of 2010 in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. It's also an adaptation of the middle part of the late Stieg Larsson’s best-selling 'Millennium Trilogy' crime novels. What director Daniel Alfredson didn't need is to be related to Thomas, a talented auteur that brought us the brilliant Let the Right One In (2008). Talk about pressure…

Back at the helm of Millennium magazine, Mikael (Michael Nyqvist) decides the best way to overcome his relationship problems with hacker Lisbeth is to throw himself into a new project and thus expose a billion dollar sex trafficking ring.

But when one of his researchers is murdered he realises there’s more to this story than first thought, especially when Lisbeth is framed for the crimes. Convinced that she is innocent, her refusal to acknowledge his existence creates obvious problems as he tries to clear her name and uncover the real killers.

Meanwhile, Lisbeth goes on the run and soon stumbles on secrets linking her secretive past with these new murders. Fearing her life is in jeopardy, she must reunite with a lovelorn Mikael and a past she wants to bury if she is to ever regain her freedom…

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo was always going to be a hard act to follow, mainly because the epic-length thriller was so well crafted with barely any loose ends left to explore. But when you’ve got a character as good as Lisbeth Salander, its little surprise someone will want to venture into her world again, regardless of an inferior premise with laughable plot turns and pantomime villains. It even dares to follow a similar formula with its mix of mystery, detection and social criticism, leaving out, for the most part, the brilliant odd-ball romance that was arguably the highlight because it was somehow so strangely satisfying.

Michael Nyqvist, impressive in the first film, is truly outstanding in the follow-up, outshining even Noomi Rapace’s Salander. By finally growing some balls, Blomkvist has clearly read jack Bauer’s handbook on dealing with scum, discarding the torture (up to a point) but retaining the hard-as-nails, don’t-give-a-damn attitude that suddenly makes him so dangerous here (just watch him interrogate a suspect with three photographs). It’s as if he’s learnt by mimicking his beloved Salander, and yet she has disappointingly softened up a touch, isn’t too sure of herself, and sadly not as interesting because of it.

Director Alfredson continues where Niels Arden Opley left off, introducing a nice murder/mystery storyline, intersected with strong, sexual images and gritty realism that surprised so many first time round - yet the creepy romance between the two protagonists is soon ditched along with its opening potential in favour of James Bond villains, a lack of question marks and rubbish, tension-free (other than an all too brief well-orchestrated shoot-out at the end) seventies-Bond-style action. There are scenes involving two boxers that lack punch, while the stand-off between Salander and two bikers would’ve been more brutal masterminded by Disney - whoever did the choreography should never work in movies again.

The musical score certainly plays like a thriller though, even if the events unfolding are anything but. Oddly, if you take out the scenes involving the two major villains of the piece you would actually have a better film. They bring nothing but camp brutality reminiscent to watching a matinee Christmas performance at your local theatre – shouts of “He’s behind you…” by the whippersnappers muffling out your own screams of dissatisfaction. Fans can argue that Ronald Niedermann’s super-hero power, not being able to experience pain, echoes that of Salander’s photographic memory (underused here) but it’s half-hearted at the very best, embarrassing at the very least. They should just chop his head off.

Her father meanwhile, played by Georgi Staykov, may have the scars of a vicious past, along with a half-decent backstory, but it’s ruined by a veneer that’s comically tragic (for all the wrong reasons), almost matching a script able to declare, two thirds of the way through, that nobody thinks Salander is guilty – er, so why the drama? Oh, that’s right; there isn’t any, reiterated by another tame scene in which Salander digs herself out of a tight spot. The beautifully tender love scene in the opening half hour is sadly, long since forgotten, and somebody may as well serve a dry martini because this trilogy certainly needs shaking up, not a third part.

The only mystery with The Girl Who Played With Fire is how it manages to ruin all the good that came before it. Whereas the far-superior first outing left us gasping for more, here, a lack of mystery, pantomime villains and tension-free set-pieces will make the viewer whet a kitchen knife rather than an appetite for a final part.

TWISTEDWING LOVES: BURNING BRIGHT (DVD)

Film: Burning Bright ****

Director: Carlos Brooks

Starring: Briana Evigan, Garret Dillahunt, Meat Loaf

Certificate: 15

Release Date: Out Now

Format: DVD

Reviewer: Adam Wing

It was my girlfriend who explained to me why Carlos Brooks' debut feature is called Burning Bright, apparently it’s a reference to a William Blake poem published in 1794. Glad we cleared that one up. The concept is nothing if not unique, a young girl (Briana Evigan) is trapped inside a house with her autistic brother during a hurricane while being menaced by a man-eating tiger. You read that right, a man-eating tiger. It might read ridiculous on paper but it works, probably because Burning Bright introduces the scariest tiger since Tony started enticing small children with his sugar coated cornflakes.

As with all good horror movies, you also need a strong female lead and Briana Evigan (Sorority Row) more than makes up for her annoying little brother. It feels wrong to insult a child actor portraying an autistic boy, but even older sister Kelly (Evigan) seems to get fed up with him after a while. She slams his food down on the table and sends him alone to his room, even though there’s a famished Bengal tiger roaming the house. And they’re supposed to be family, so you know, that’s ok then. I don’t feel bad about slapping my head and screaming ‘Eat. Tiger. Now’ at the TV screen anymore, well maybe just a little bit.

Johnny Gavineau (Garret Dillahunt) is a man with a plan. After the untimely passing of his wife, he decides to convert their former home into a safari park complete with wild animals. Enter the one and only Meat Loaf (yes that Meat Loaf) who just so happens to be selling a beautiful but deadly Bengal tiger. There is a catch however, because this is no ordinary Bengal tiger. Turns out that this particular Bengal tiger is pure evil, which as luck would have it, is just what Johnny Gavineau is looking for.

With his evil tiger in tow, Gavineau heads back home, ready to embark on a killing spree of his own. With a hurricane on the way, Johnny boards up the house and sets the starving beast loose so he can collect on his dead wife’s insurance policy. I’m sure he’s just a little misunderstood, that’s all. For the next sixty minutes Burning Bright turns into a deadly game of cat and mouse, as our fearsome perpetrator crashes through doors, chases girls up laundry chutes and bursts through walls to get them.

With Burning Bright, Carlos Brooks has delivered an exhilarating and suspenseful ride. Comparisons to horror classic Halloween might seem like a stretch, but there’s more than a hint of early John Carpenter to Brooks’ efficient delivery. Some of the set pieces echo that of Halloween as well, one particular moment is almost note perfect, but it’s amazing just how much tension a talented director can draw from such limited resources.

A scene in which our ravenous villain chases Kelly up the laundry chute is beautifully orchestrated, overflowing with drama and trepidation. The first sight of Tony peering up the laundry chute is one of the films many highlights, second only to an uplifting lead performance from Briana Evigan. I don’t want to sell the girl short, but man she has a sexy voice. She’s a fine actress as well, that goes without saying, but the fact that she doesn't get a chance to slip into something less comfortable is one of the films biggest selling points. Witnessing Kelly crawl through a tiny window, soaking wet, is the most erotic thing I’ve seen all year. But then again, it has been suggested that I need to get out more.

There are a few minor irritants however. The autistic brother/sister dynamic proves to be a little too melodramatic at times, and the characters don’t always behave in the way you might expect. If you did somehow escape the clutches of a grumpy Bengal Tiger, would you really take the time to stand on the porch step and reflect upon the situation? There’s a good chance you’d be too busy running for your life to care. Not only that, but the closing moments also disappointed me, not for the reasons you might expect however.

The previous ninety minutes had felt both fresh and exciting, seeping unadulterated adrenaline overloaded with tension. Even though the ending proves to be just deserts for one of the films main characters, I was slightly let down by the fact that somebody had to die. How often can you say that in this day and age, that you were somehow frustrated that a horror movie dared to kill off one of its leading characters?

Some of the effects shots are obvious as well, slightly hampering the films actuality, but that’s just nitpicking – for the most part Burning Bright burns brighter than most. It truly is an impressive debut then, and one that almost passed me by, but Burning Bright demands to be seen by every self respecting horror fan. Loaded with thrills and alluring game, Carlos Brooks has made the unworkable workable, delivering a master class in suspense and terror.

I’d go as far to say that this is the best giant-tiger-stalking-people-in-a-house movie I have ever seen. Right then, time to check out some pictures of Briana Evigan on Google, all in the name of research of course.

10 REASONS WHY THE GOONIES NEEDS A SEQUEL

When was the last time you longed to explore a spectacular underground realm of twisting passages, outrageous booby-traps and a long-lost pirate ship full of golden doubloons? It was probably around the same time you last sighed hopelessly about a girl in your class, when social networking sites, mobile phones and I-pods weren’t corrupting your adult life, even if they are pleasant distractions from death, debt and Jeremy Kyle.

There are some, however, that still hold on to that dream. I often wake, head hurting from last night’s Vino, the thought of work buried in the deepest, darkest part of my duvet, asking myself what difference it would make if instead of going to work I would unfurl that mysterious treasure map and head off to Astoria. Wouldn’t it be great to go on a Goonie adventure? Wouldn’t it be great if the Goonies went on another adventure?

For all the doubters, of which there are many, terrified by the prospect of Michael Bay taking the helm and casting Shia LaBeouf as Sloth’s lovechild, here are ten mighty fine reasons why a Goonies sequel will work and therefore must happen.

1. Adults Communing With Inner Adolescence Is Funny

The success of The Hangover (2009) and Hot Tub Time Machine (2010) prove that bawdy comedies about people who refuse to grow up can be Box-Office hits. Hardly highbrow and aimed primarily at the male audience, they both managed to stand out from the crowd thanks to the chemistry between the leads, precisely what The Goonies sequel should be about.

No-one wants to see another throng of whippersnappers go on a carbon copy goonie adventure, especially not the kiddiewinks of the original characters. Instead, we want to see Chunk trim (as Jeff Cohen now is) and a hit with the ladies, Mouth using a throat back due to smoking-associated ailments, Data still inventing a load of crap and Andy a washed-up actress filing for her forth divorce while Stef, by now a well read, intellectual figure, keeps stealing her husbands just because she can. 

2. Sloth Can Still Be In It

Dying of heart failure in 1989, ex-football player turned actor John Matuszak, played Lotney ‘Sloth’ Fratelli, the loveable monster who had a thing for Baby Ruth and funny fubsy Chunk. Luckily, Matuszak was so heavily-clad in makeup, with a role that required no lines, watch One Crazy Summer (2006) to fully appreciate his acting ability, in this day and age it would be simplicity itself to recreate the loveable rogue (Sloth not Matuszak).

But wait, maybe the death of such a much-loved character would bring the guys back together again, and let’s face it, who wouldn’t shed a tear when a mid-thirties Lawrence ‘Chunk’ Cohen is finally forced to say goodbye to such an endearing hunk of heroism? This inciting incident would radically upset the balance of forces in their lives, so while some of the goonies are seemingly happy with their lot, the death of Sloth will force them to make a decision, upsetting the balance, swinging the value-charge of their reality either to the negative or to the positive. Consequently, this makes for conflict by the bucket-load, especially if some of the guys have fallen out over the years. 

3. Booby Traps Are Cool Again

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) sucked for many reasons, but the biggest problem was that Harrison Ford is just too old to be gallivanting about on some crazy, kick-ass adventure, dodging booby traps and whipping anything other than a chocolate treat with a walnut on top. This kind of scenario only really works in a Pixar flick, so watching the gang embarrass themselves is out of the question.

Instead, we play a game… Saw (2004) and the ensuing franchise has proven, once again, that booby traps are exciting. I’m not saying Mikey should be terrorised by a sadistic killer angry with the card he’s been dealt, but the traps/games should be just as resourceful as those created by Jigsaw, more fully grown than playing a souped-up piano in which sounding the wrong key sends you crashing to your doom.

We’re all adults now, so let’s have some darkly comic, seriously sinister, edge of your seat scenarios - like Chunk confronting the reverse bear-trap: The key to free himself is inserted into one of many Baby Ruth’s that have been implanted in the stomach of his dead cell mate, Sloth. He isn’t really dead, a muscle-paralyser forces him to lay there and watch as his best friend stabs him to death, meaning he misses the part in which a super-slim Chunk has to then gorge on dozens of gut-soaked chocolate bars to find the key.

I may have digressed a little from my original point, but progressive complications are what make movies great, and everyone loves a booby trap. 

4. Lame Gadgets Are Comedy Gold

Comedy is hated by critics because they have no argument and therefore, nothing to say: If the audience laughs, it works; if it doesn’t laugh, it doesn’t work. In comedy laughter settles all arguments, and there’s nothing finer than the visual kind.

While the later Bond movies have suffered with gadgets that are merely introduced early on for an obvious pay-off later down the line, hilarious for all the wrong reasons, gadgets in comedy are usually designed to fail spectacularly, which when done right, is so very funny.

Of course, it would be rewarding if Data should finally create something that works, but the original movie, and others like Gremlins (1984) and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971) make better use of dodgy creations invented by oblivious characters for comical purposes, and as long as it pushes the story forward, this plot device should be cherished and nurtured in the sequel.

5. Lost Boys 2 Was Rubbish

Okay Corey, time to admit it... Lost Boys 2: The Tribe (2008) was completely bunkum. An enjoyably appalling sequel, for sure, largely noticeable for a lack of original cast members and a desperate script trying to embrace the feel-good factor of the first, but still utter tommyrot.

We’re not blaming you, though. After all, you excelled in Gremlins, were magnificent in Stand By Me (1986) and even made The Burbs (1989) bearable. Sadly, not one of these films requires a revisit, and now Corey Haim is no longer with us, License to Drive Part Two is also consigned to the trash.

Therefore, it stands to reason that you do everything in your power to make The Goonies sequel happen. What’s that, you have? And still nothing? Did you talk to Spielberg? You did, and still no change? Did you mention the cancer kazoo? You did? Well, get on your knees and beg, Feldman, because this is your last chance at success, okay? To paraphrase your character Dean in License To Drive (1988), your career just got passed by a street sweeper.

6. Everyone Loves Pirates

Forget the overblown sequels, Pirates of the Caribbean (2003) was a refreshing take on the action/adventure film and a welcome return for pirates, whose absence from the big screen is as sorrowful as anything in Davey Jones’ locker.

Not since Errol Flynn hit the high seas has a movie depicting pirates been as entertaining, merely because every child growing up wanted to be a freebooter, or at the very least, rescued from one. Although The Goonies hinted at pirates, the only one present was One Eyed Willy himself, and he was as dead as Flynn is now. So, where did that pirate ship sail off to, what became of all the treasure onboard, or did Somalia’s most revered get hold of it? 

7. They All Want To Do It

You only have to watch the DVD commentary to realise that everyone wants to see it happen. Okay, so Spielberg was missing and may have other projects to contend with, but other than one scene he apparently directed, what did he do that he can’t do now? Richard Donner, the original auteur, is in desperate need for a revisit. His last movie, 16 Blocks (2006) was alright but nothing sensational, as were the Lethal Weapon sequels, Assassins (1995) and Maverick (1994). Granted, he hasn't had much to work with, other than average scripts and an increasingly indifferent Mel Gibson.

The cast, meanwhile, have made the best of wildly interesting careers since: Josh Brolin and Sean Astin enjoy continued success in Hollywood; Feldman and Quan (Data) have struggled to find any decent material since the nineties - the former struggling to battle various addictions and come to terms with the loss of his best friend Haim; Jeff Cohen is a successful lawyer, Kerri Green got married and does occasional television work, while Martha Plimpton concentrated on theatre work before her recent resurgence in hit programmes Fringe (2008) and Raising Hope (2010).

Nothing spectacular though, and none of the actors are so up their own backsides that they’ll refuse to do it. More importantly, they aren’t dead yet. Jesus, even Joe Pantoliano needs a break. Besides, regardless of their careers since, the commentary on The Goonies DVD proved to me that the chemistry is still there, and although Mouth is still annoying, he hasn’t lost his sensitive side either - and that’s why we still love him. 

8. Unresolved Issues

The Goonies sequel is like somebody adapting your favourite book - your imagination is personal and outsiders are determined to ruin that pleasure with their own visions of grandeur. We all want to know what became of The Goonies, and we all have our own ideals, so somebody sticking their nose in and telling us what really happened could be extremely controversial – and seriously annoying.

Having said that, wouldn’t you love to know what these guys are up to? I mean, forget the farce, adventure and high jinks that would ensue, wasn’t the original all about chemistry? Did Mouth and Stef finally get it together? Would Andy have a crush on Mikey now he isn't jailbait? Did Sloth live with Chunk, and if so, how the hell did that work? Would Data finally invent something worth inventing? Did Mouth become a translator and lose his hair? Did Martha eventually turn into the swan our guilty pleasures yearned for? These questions still need to be answered, damn it! And why aren’t Baby Ruth’s readily available in the United Kingdom? 

9. The Truffle Shuffle

Will they? Would they even dare? I’d pay a tenner to watch it in 3D for that one answer alone. 

10. We Never Say Die

So there we have it. Ten mighty fine reasons why we need another Goonies adventure. Yes, there are many reasons why it shouldn’t happen. The A-Team (2010), Streetfighter (1994), A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010), Manimal (I wish) are just a few childhood favourites that became cinematic turkeys, but I for one would like somebody, other than Michael Bay, to take a gamble, stick their neck out and put their golden doubloons where their mouth is.

So what if they mess up? They’re a Goonie, and Goonies always mess up…

REVIEW: DEVIL (DVD)

Film: Devil ***

Director: John Erick Dowdle

Starring: Chris Messina, Logan marshall-Green, Jenny O'Hara

Certificate: 15

Duration: 80 Mins

Release Date: 24th January 2011

Format: DVD

Reviewer: Adam Wing

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. After a string of critical and commercial flops, I wonder whether M. Night Shyamalan had that thought in mind when he handed over directorial duties to John Erick Dowdle (Quarantine).

Shyamalan would have us believe that he doesn’t have time to direct every movie he writes, but that line of reasoning only makes you question how cinematic atrocities like The Happening managed to slip through the net. Shyamalan would do well to put his directorial talent behind the work of another writer, but with new thriller Devil he has chosen to walk another path. With a screenplay by Brian Nelson (30 Days of Night), Devil is the first film based upon a series of stories written by Shyamalan himself, a ‘Shyamalan presents’ if you will.

The concept is straightforward enough, echoing a recent spate of minimalist horror outings. One person in a coffin, two people at sea, three people on a ski lift, four people on a boat – now we have five people trapped in an elevator. Seeing as we’re heading into B-movie horror territory, it’s no surprise to learn that one of the five could in fact be the Devil, taking human form to satisfy his deadly cravings.

Sometimes very bad things happen for very good reasons, and no, I’m not talking about The Happening again. No amount of bad things will ever make that particular travesty a worthwhile venture. Shyamalan however has stepped back, and even though Dowdle’s Devil walks in the shadow of masterworks Unbreakable and The Sixth Sense, it still makes for entertaining viewing on the most primitive of levels, restoring hope that M. Night Shyamalan might one day return to form.

Five people in a lift, two security guards and one very determined officer on the street below, that’s pretty much the entire ensemble. Detective Bowden (Chris Messina) has demons of his own, but his past is put on hold when he stops to investigate the death of an office worker fallen from a high-rise window. Inside the building, five seemingly random office workers have become trapped in an elevator.

As you would expect from the spawn of Shyamalan, each of the five inmates has a dirty secrets they would like to keep buried, and it’s here that the lights go out and the screaming starts. Two security guards watching from a surveillance camera witness the events unfold as a maintenance worker attempts to restore order, they can see the trapped civilians but can’t hear them, whereas the civilians can hear the security guards but can’t see them. Detective Bowden is all ready at the scene when darkness falls and takes it upon himself to prevent any further devastation. All he can do is watch as the five strangers turn on each other with deadly intent, and the truth slowly dawns on him that the last man standing might not be a man at all.

At just over seventy minutes, John Erick Dowdle wastes no time on developing characters and story arcs, because there’s really no need to. His five protagonists are cliché-ridden caricatures found in many a horror vehicle, five minutes with these guys and you feel like you know them well enough all ready. Which is just fine because Devil works best if you don’t stop to think about it, allow Dowdle to take you on a short, sharp, snappy ride and chances are you’ll have a good time.

It’s fast paced and kind of fun working out who is going to die next. None of the characters are particularly likeable, and the performances are unspectacular, but there’s enough here to maintain your interest throughout. There is a twist in the tale, but it doesn’t try to be too clever, and the sudden ending has a more lasting impression as a result. Hard core horror fanatics will perhaps bemoan the lack of blood, much of the frantic violence happens in the dark, so there’s not a lot to see from a gore hound perspective. It’s just not that kind of movie, and to be completely honest, the lack of prolonged bloodshed feels both fresh and welcoming.

There’s an intermittently interesting tale to be told here, and it’s refreshing to see that Dowdle has chosen to focus on the story rather than the violence. Beyond the initial concept however, Devil remains nothing special. The direction is fast and fluid, but nothing special. The final revelation is neat and tidy, but nothing special. The performances are solid, but nothing special. For the most part Devil feels like an extended TV show episode or movie, never quite making its presence felt in the way you would hope.

Devil is a fun, zippy and suspenseful ride, but a little more depth might have made for bigger success. A promising start for all things Shyamalan, and a proposed Unbreakable sequel might not be such a bad idea after all.

A GOOD NIGHT IN: BURNING BRIGHT (DVD) ***

"Boarding your house up before a hurricane strikes is probably a wise move, but it probably also makes sense to check for any Bengal tigers that might happen to be stalking the downstairs hallway. I'm sure drop-dead-gorgeous Briana Evigan (Sorority Row) will do in future, after playing Kelly, a young girl with the responsibilty of raising her autistic (and extremely annoying) brother Tom (Charlie Tahan) after the apparent suicide of their mother.

It's no surprise when foul play is soon suspected, especially as the doors have also been sealed firmly shut, leaving the two protagonists with no way out, and the next intended meal for a hungry tiger in this surprisingly good horror from rookie director Carlos Brooks (one to look out for).


The effects are good, the set-pieces tense, and despite the fact a ravenous wildcat is stalking them in their own home, the well-paced Burning Bright still manages a sense of realism. The only downside is the autistic child Tom - believe me when i say you'll be cheering on the tiger for a good hour until Evigan steals the show portraying a sassy heroine the boys will most definately be rooting for."

A GREAT NIGHT IN: EXAM (DVD) ****

"Eight talented candidates have reached the final stage of selection to join the ranks of a mysterious and powerful corporation. Entering a windowless room, where an armed guard keeps watch, they are given 80 minutes to answer one simple question. Turning the question paper over, they soon discover that there is no question and the clock is ticking...

Sounds dull, even after receiving three rules they must abide by or they will be disqualified: They can't speak to the invigilator or the guard, they must not spoil their papers and they shouldn't leave the room. They can, however, get wet and probably eat after midnight, which would make the premise a whole lot more interesting, but surprisingly the film is so gripping it doesn't require gremlins to make it any more tense.

With some cracking performances (Luke Mably a real find) and neat twists, this BAFTA Film Award Nominee is a smart low-budget thriller that derverves more plaudits. Sure, the ending disappoints slightly, but only in its need to explain everything (a few unanswered questions to discuss down the pub would've been nice). Never has a job interview been so much fun."

LIFE SUCKS: BLOOD (DVD) **

Everybody loves vampires, right? Over the last few years we have had to contend with more bloodsucking parasites than a Mosquito Rally. Everybody loves sex, right? Well not your partner, that goes without saying. But most of us like a little flesh from time to time, especially when it covers the inner workings of a beautiful Asian actress. Everybody loves martial arts movies, right? Again, perhaps not everybody, but chances are you’re the kind of person that likes to kick back with a sprinkling of kick-ass every now and then.

Vampires, sex and martial arts, sounds like a fan(g)tastic night in to me (I’m not proud of that one). Ten Shimoyama calls the shots, and being a big fan of his martial arts fantasy Shinobi I was really looking forward to this. The question remains however, will an evening with Blood leave you feeling cold, or is it a bite worth taking? Sounded a bit like Anne Robinson for a moment there…

Investigating the murder of a maid, Detective Hoshino interrogates her beautiful and seductive employer Miyako Romberk. She also happens to be a blood-sucking demon from Hell (they prefer vampire). The beautiful and seductive Miyako wastes no time in shifting the blame, pointing her undead finger at Ukyo, and yes you got there before me, he also happens to be a blood-sucking demon from… vampire. Hoshino infiltrates Ukyo's den and witnesses him hungrily feeding on an innocent young victim, an innocent ‘naked’ young victim. Thought that might get your attention.

Not only is Ukyo a vampire, turns out he’s also a highly trained Samurai, well a vampire’s got to do something to pass the time, it’s not all about blood baths and hanging around. To further complicate proceedings, Ukyo once bumped uglies with Miyako, thus beginning an afterlife of murder, mayhem and avoiding Mass on Sundays. But soon Hoshino is converted too, he’s a horny little devil as it turns out, and the two love-struck monstrosities battle it out over the beautiful and seductive temptress, Miyako. There’s also a case to solve, but mostly it’s just about the sex. So lets start there…

When it comes to erotic filmmaking, Ten Shimoyama’s Blood is about as exciting as a late night channel five movie starring Shannon Tweed. I know it’s got sex in it, but do they really need a guy with a saxophone in every scene? I’m kidding, he’s not actually in the movie, it’s not like he’s standing by the bed or anything. That would be ridiculous. The screen turns blue, quite literally, and the two characters romp on the same four-poster bed over and over. It’s the kind of filmmaking Tony Scott would be proud of, blue filters and slow-mo, but without the obligatory gunfire and explosions. Which is a real shame if you ask me.

The martial arts scenes are handled well enough, but they’re nothing special, and some of the wirework and CGI effects are laughable. The performances are one-note too, delivered with as much passion as a McDonalds Happy Meal. Being a vampire clearly sucks (again, not proud) because everybody is so damn miserable. They mope around the mansion talking like stage actors, trying not to smile, desperately avoiding the guy with the woodwind instrument. Story-wise, Blood is nothing to write home about either, amounting to little more than two guys fighting over a dead girl. The mystery aspect is little more than an afterthought.

Mixing sex, violence and vampires, Ten Shimoyama’s Blood occasionally hits the spot, but there’s nothing here that we haven’t seen before, and is it just me or did they both choose the wrong girl?

Review: Adam Wing