I WATCHED IT SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO

Many thanks to my friend Claire for insulting my intelligence by thinking this may actually bring me some seasonal joy...

SANTA’S SLAY *

Some actors are synonymous with quality: Pitt. Buscemi. Macy. Hoffman. And then there are other names. Names like Hogan, Austin, Ventura and Johnson.

Now we can add former WWE star Bill Goldberg to that catalogue thanks to Santa’s Slay; he plays the avenging Santa hellbent on killing anything from a bum to a butcher because the bet he lost 1000 years ago has finally run its course. No more seasonal joy for Hell Township, and certainly no joy for us.

One cameo and two jokes aside, the real interest comes from Emilie De Ravin; the only cast member to forge a succesful career after this slay-wreck of a movie, thanks mainly to 93 episodes of Lost. It’s easy to see why. She’s easily the brightest of stars in a dreary sky, although sadly, those that turned it down are surely the wise men.

It could have been almost bearable if we had more than just legendary wrestler Tommy ‘Zeus’ Lister popping up as a gas attendant. Hacksaw Jim Duggan playing a tree surgeon? Brutus ‘the barber’ Beefcake, anyone? Alas, it wasn’t to be, so I’m rewrapping this festive turkey and giving it to the auntie who always spells my name wrong. Merry Christmas.

CHEW ON THAT, BIRTHDAY BOY...

I'd like to know which sicko at Lovefilm, the excellent online DVD rental service I use, decided to send me the movie Marley & Me on my dog's eighth birthday. Some celebration this was going to be. Anyway, here is what I thought of it. I tried to get Abe's opinion but he made a bolt for the door as soon as the credits started rolling.

MARLEY & ME ***

Don’t be fooled by the trailer; Marley & Me is right up there with Sex: The Annabel Chong Story and Irréversible for films men should not watch with their partners on a drizzly Sunday afternoon. Starring 22 Labradors (all playing Marley), with scarcely credible performances by Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston, this trite drama is based on John Grogan’s International bestseller.

Wilson plays Grogan, a journalist who welcomes Marley into the home he shares with his wife (Aniston) to delay any plans she may be harbouring to have babies. The film plays out over the course of Marley’s life, during which not one but three children arrive, interrupted by a miscarriage and two promotions, culminating in a move to Philadelphia. Plot-wise, that’s about it.

Chong herself would be hard pushed to swallow Aniston’s unconvincing turn in a movie relying on a loveable canine to offer much needed comic relief as the two protagonists question all they’ve given up for family bliss. Yet somehow it works, and as the inevitable ending gets ever closer, anyone who has lost a pet will hardly be thanking director David Frankel for bringing those heart-rending memories flooding back. Gentlemen, it’s time to leave the room.