I WATCHED IT SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO

Many thanks to my friend Claire for insulting my intelligence by thinking this may actually bring me some seasonal joy...

SANTA’S SLAY *

Some actors are synonymous with quality: Pitt. Buscemi. Macy. Hoffman. And then there are other names. Names like Hogan, Austin, Ventura and Johnson.

Now we can add former WWE star Bill Goldberg to that catalogue thanks to Santa’s Slay; he plays the avenging Santa hellbent on killing anything from a bum to a butcher because the bet he lost 1000 years ago has finally run its course. No more seasonal joy for Hell Township, and certainly no joy for us.

One cameo and two jokes aside, the real interest comes from Emilie De Ravin; the only cast member to forge a succesful career after this slay-wreck of a movie, thanks mainly to 93 episodes of Lost. It’s easy to see why. She’s easily the brightest of stars in a dreary sky, although sadly, those that turned it down are surely the wise men.

It could have been almost bearable if we had more than just legendary wrestler Tommy ‘Zeus’ Lister popping up as a gas attendant. Hacksaw Jim Duggan playing a tree surgeon? Brutus ‘the barber’ Beefcake, anyone? Alas, it wasn’t to be, so I’m rewrapping this festive turkey and giving it to the auntie who always spells my name wrong. Merry Christmas.